I lined up to register this morning for the presidential conference, Facing Tomorrow 2013. After completing the process, the strangest thing happened which, dear readers, I believe I must relate to you.

As I walked away from the registration table I saw a booth with the sign “New Israel Waze to the Future” on the outside and I felt a strange almost magnetic force pull me in. Today is a day of celebration, I thought. Why not? Let us be bold. But as I walked in I felt a strange sense of circular motion and flight. A GPS image moved from my location to what I can only describe as another dimension. As I walked out, everything seemed different. I felt older, more fragile and the conference hall was significantly emptier. I picked up a brochure as I exited the booth and this is what it said: Looking Back 2033. Israel celebrates President Benjamin Netanyahu’s 84th birthday and reviews 20 years of change that has brought about the New Israel.

Keynote Speakers at the Plenary sessions:

  • Prime Minister Danny Danon – Looking at democracy in retrospect.  As a stepping stone to a future messianic state, democracy served its purpose in providing a solid foundation for political evolution from chaos to control by the nationalists within the party structures. Now free from party politics our benign theo-militocracy has adopted the Singapore doctrine where law and order creates a public sense of well-being.
  • President Netanyahu – How we turned BDS against BDS. The demise of Boycott, Divestment and Sanctions by the Israeli antidote adopted back in 2013: Build, Delude, Settle. Building in Judea and Samaria as an empirical method against terror. A tribute to veteran centrist politicians Yair Lapid and Tzipi Livni who provided the political camouflage needed to effect this policy.
  • Yinon Eliya Shalom – Celebrated philosopher and heir to the spiritual leader Yigal Amir, makes an appeal for reconciliation on the eve of his father’s release from prison. Yinon discusses how political assassination has been a part of the national ethos from biblical times through to the creation of the state and beyond. From Arlosoroff through to Count Bernadotte and up till Rabin, while not legitimate it has proven a necessary evil in the emergence of the New Israel.
  • Naftali Bennett, Minister of Cultural Affairs – Separate Development and ethnic pride as a means to achieve harmony of communities. Deputy Prime Minister Bennett outlines the policy of Separate Development, cultural enrichment and government incentives as the prime medium for enacting policy for the wide range of ethnic and religious groups once known as the Palestinian people. The multi-autonomous solution will be discussed outlining how urban Arab centers in Judea, Samaria and Gaza thrive and blossom as independent city-states. The lecture will be accompanied by a debka dance group from Nebi Saleh and a folk dancing group from Halamish both offering a unique insight to the concept of water, purification and divine inspiration.

While there have been some difficulties in getting past American presidents to come (President Obama, like Bush last year is fully booked and unavailable) we have a line-up of international personalities of standing:

Tomaki Kabua, Prime Minister of Micronesia will address the conference at the opening session and make the birthday presentation to President Netanyahu.

Micronesian Games President, Donald Beluki will present an outline of the planned international sport event in which Israeli athletes will participate.

Marshall Islands Minister of Finance, Dennis Mennis, will hold a round table discussion on MIM (Marshall Islands, Israel, Micronesia) free trade zone as an alternative to NAFTA and the EU.

In the area of science and research #Lookingback33 will unveil the new Israel-only made automobile, Susita 4X with its sleek fiberglass body and solar energy panels. Cutting edge research now provides a low-cost high-end solution to the dearth of vehicles due to the temporary halt by Japanese, American, European and Korean automobile manufacturers exporting to Israel.

From the US, celebrated commentator Glenn Beck will hold a think tank: “O-L-I-G-A-R-H-Y Yes! I told you so”

The NRA is sending a delegation that will host a Panel Discussion on the subject: “The only thing that stops a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. New Israel: the proof, the pudding, the eating”.

In memory of Israel’s greatest friend and sponsor the convention center will host a full scale fully equipped Adelsonium. The fully working mini-casino will be shipped in from Vegas and will be a central feature on the floor of the center. Entrance is free and drinks are on the house. In accordance with New Israel laws gambling with hard currency is not permitted though winners will receive lifetime redemption vouchers for Israel Today.

The celebrations will open with Barbra Streisand’s “Way we were” in an exciting new rendition for dance sung by the President’s favorite singer Sarit Hadad.

Come and celebrate one and all! #Lookingback33

Readers please tell me this is not happening. I am caught in a time warp and the only thing I remember from 2013 is my blog-entry page and password. Everything else is a blank. Please write comments, any comments, even those crackpot comments without a face or a name and tell me I must be dreaming.

Otherwise there is no way back!