We lost a lot of great people in 2013. Mandela. Lou Reed. Peter O’Toole. Mrs. Crabapple from The Simpsons. Just to name a few. And 2013 sucked because the Mayans didn’t predict the world would end like they did for 2012. But I’d rather not focus on the people who left us. Or ancient predictions of apocalypse. It’s too morbid. Instead I’d like to focus on those that are still living. Yes, that’s right. The living. Well, I’d like to focus on the living that we all kinda wished were dead but are still hanging around. Here’s hoping 2014 does away with some of them. And it’s a top 10 list from 2013. And nobody’s doing that on the internet. So here goes. In no particular order:
1. My mother in law…’s cat. Motzke. He’s morbidly obese and prone to biting and scratching anyone. And last January my mother in law, who’s not too computer savvy, asked me to Google “life expectancy for cats”. Because that pussy is driving her crazy. It’s attacking her in the middle of the night. Throwing up all over the place. And fat. And she hates fat people. And fat cats. And Motzke is like fourteen years old. Which in cat years is like 98. And you try caring for a 98 year old that hisses at you in the middle of the night before pouncing at your face with its sharp claws. Talk about pet cemetery.
2. Bashar Assad. Because he’s been a-slaughtering innocent women and children for like two years. And that’s a long time to be genociding. Let’s face it; this guy is one sick bastard. And what’s with that mustache? Come on Bash. Its way past Movember and that thing is equal parts molesty and creepy. And your wife Assma is hot. And she a SMILF. A Spouse of a Murderer I’d like to Fuck. And I’ve been waiting for your own people to give you the Ghaddafi treatment so I can make a move on her. Not to worry folks. M. gave me a celebrity pass for Asma.
3. King.com the inventors of Candy Crush Saga. You have single handedly destroyed families, ruined lives and broken marriages. My wife ignored me for three months before I staged an intervention. I’ve unfriended at least a dozen people who bombarded me with requests. And then this happened. I was on Facebook at work and I noticed an update from my boss that he had completed another level in your stupid game. When confronted he blamed his daughter. And then he assured me that he only played a few hours a day. Sounds like an addict to me. I’m pretty sure my employers will declare bankruptcy in 2014 thanks to you. Assholes.
4. Benedict XVI. Listen dude, errrr I mean, your former holiness popeness sir, but resigning your position as a pope is a real dick move. Nobody has done it willingly for like 500 years. Granted, the new Pope, Francis, is super cool. He helps those in need. He’s a great role model. I think he may have restored my faith in the papacy. Well, maybe not, but he does a bunch of great stuff. Like asking that people not focus on issues of homosexuality and contraception but rather on tenderness, mercy and compassion. Rock on man. But you’re still around. Judging him. Thinking to yourself, meh, I did it better. That’s not cool. As my man Christopher Lambert screamed on the Scottish Highlands, There can be only one!
5. My neighbor who hosts karaoke parties every Saturday night. Listen douchebag you and your friends can’t sing. You insist on crooning along to Eyal Golan and Kobi Peretz (Middle Eastern singers) and you keep the entire block up late. There’s a special circle of hell waiting for you. In it you are strapped to a chair Clockwork Orange style and forced to listen to a baby crying because he/she can’t fall asleep. For the rest of eternity. Fucker.
6. Chinese Toy Manufacturers. Nee how bitches and listen up. Learn how to correctly spell the products you are making. Stop making them so breakable. These are kids. They throw their toys. And for Christ’s sake stop making them so fucking loud. I get it. It’s a fire truck. But does it have to keep going on loop for twenty minutes before shutting off? Really? Watch out China.
7. My blog. It’s hateful and full of foul language. Every time I write a post someone is offended. Usually M. But sometimes my dad. My co-workers. My boss. My cousin. So let’s hope that someone kills The Blog That Killed JFG in 2014.
8. Anybody who’s climbed Mount Everest. Or calls it Chomolungma. Good for you. You made it to the top. You probably pooped your pants at one point. Or ate human flesh to survive. Or cut off a limb. You’ve successfully made me feel shitty about myself and my life choices. Fuck off and die. Preferably by slipping in the shower.
9. Yasser Arafat and Ariel Sharon. One has been dead for over a decade and they keep digging him up and prodding his cadaver for traces of poison. The other has been in a coma since 2006. And maybe putting those two iconic figures to rest would go a long way in beginning a healing process between the Israelis and Palestinians. Maybe. If nothing else than at least symbolically.
10. Iranian Space Agency Head Hamid Fazeli. He thinks it’s a good idea to keep sending monkeys into space. Listen fucktard: stop sending those cute little primates into space. Ground control to major monkey. Take your protein pills and get that banana out of your ass. Send this guy instead. He looks like a monkey. He smells like a monkey. And nobody would give a shit if he ever made it back.
So that’s it. Have a happy new year. If I am not assassinated by the Syrians, Iranians or Benedict XVI I’ll be back with all new blogs in the year of our lord twenty fourteen.
God bless the queen.
The rest of us are on our own.