Full disclosure: A team of Russian hackers, “Brotherhood of Men,” has made this transcript available to me. I cannot verify its authenticity, though it reads pretty close to the truth.
Obama: Mister Prime Minister?
Netanyahu: Mister President?
Netanyahu: Thanks. I sure appreciate your call, even if late.
Obama: Better late than never. How’s your lovely wife Sara doing?
Netanyahu: A bit tired, but fine now. She’s right here beside me.
Obama: Tell her I said hi, and both of you have a nice evening.
Netanyahu: Wait, Mister Obama, don’t be like that. We have a lot to talk about.
Obama: Some other time, maybe. John Kerry is on the other line, Mister Netanyahu, and–
Netanyahu: Please call me Bibi, why don’t you?
Obama: This is an official call. I–
Netanyahu: I know you’re upset about my win, but I hope you can get over it soon. This is how our democracy works, after all.
Obama: You mean by scare tactics? Something about “Arab on buses,” citizens of your country going to the polling stations and “voting in droves.” This reminds of other buses, you know, and of other dark times in our racist history, here in America.
Netanyahu: This was taken totally out of context, Mister Obama, I promise you.
Obama: Words matter, you know.
Netanyahu: I know. But actions matter more.
Obama: How do you mean?
Netanyahu: You know very well what I mean. But let’s be friends now, and open a new page in our relationship. May I call you Bama? It has a nice ring to it, you know, Bibi and Bama. Don’t you think?
Obama: I don’t. But you call me whatever you want, it won’t change one bit the nature of those semi-racist remarks you’ve made. Including, by the way, referring to me in your party campaign phone messages only as “Hussein Obama.”
Netanyahu: Look, Bama, I can’t be responsible for everything my American campaign managers did. And as to the Arab citizens, you know, now they have the third largest party in our Knesset. Where else can you find such a democracy in the Middle East?
Obama: Your democracy in Israel is a source of pride to us all here, especially to me. But misleading the public in order to win an election makes me sick. And it may lead only to more troubles.
Netanyahu: Listen, my friend, I actually took it out of your playbook.
Obama: Excuse me?
Netanyahu: Remember how you said “Yes we can,” during your campaign. That’s how you won, right?
Obama: In part, yes.
Netanyahu: Well, you knew of course that there was no chance in hell that we’d work with you in Washington, hand in hand, but still–
Obama: What do you mean, “we”?
Netanyahu: I mean the Republicans and the Democrats on the hill. You know they consider me practically one of them, the Republicans, if not…
Obama: Go ahead, spell it out.
Netanyahu: If not their leader. They wouldn’t mind if I ran in 2016 for your office.
Obama: Be my guest. Were you born in America?
Netanyahu: No, Bama. Were you?
Obama: Sure did, Bibi.
Netanyahu: Well, my Republican friends say otherwise, you know.
Obama: That’s why they are your friends, not mine.
Netanyahu: You got that right. Which reminds me, by the way: Agent Orange is coming to pay me a visit in two weeks.
Obama: I beg your pardon?
Netanyahu: Mister Boehner, I mean.
Obama: I see, I didn’t know that.
Netanyahu: It’s still a secret, but I let you in on it ahead of time. That’s how my boys here in the Mossad refer to him, Agent Orange.
Obama: I wonder how they refer to me, your boys in the Mossad?
Netanyahu: Oh… I don’t know. I actually have no idea.
Netanyahu: Really. I’ll have to ask them. But never mind that, I…
Obama: You what, get to the point.
Netanyahu: I have to return the favor to him, you see, the speaker of the house. He’ll probably speak to our Knesset here, we’ll give him the Full Monty.
Obama: And you reckon that this will improve our own relationship, as in “opening a new page”?
Netanyahu: I don’t see why not. I’ll be taking him to visit our newest settlement, see for himself what a beautiful country we are building here with your money.
Obama: Our money?
Netanyahu: Of course, don’t pretend you don’t know that. And don’t forget to increase the annual three billion dollars next year. I’ll be sure to raise it with the leader of the Congress when he’s here.
Obama: Remind him also about the Palestinians, while you’re at it.
Netanyahu: What about them?
Obama: I heard you said you no longer see a two-state solution as a viable option.
Netanyahu: I never did see it as a viable option, Bama. You know what I mean, don’t you?
Obama: Probably so.
Netanyahu: There you are then. I was just being truthful. The phantom of the two-state illusion is gone forever. Kaput.
You know what it means in Yiddish, kaput?
Obama: Actually I do. I also know now what “gevalt campaign” means. But it won’t prevent us from reassessing our policy
in regard to the Palestinian issue. We might–
Netanyahu: Don’t threaten me, please, not to veto that phantom state resolution in the UN Security Council.
Obama: I’m not threatening you. I’m telling you.
Netanyahu: Don’t lecture me, either. I’m not one of your…
Obama: Go ahead, my what?
Netanyahu: You know… all your Jewish intellectual friends from the New York Times and CNN, who hate me so much.
Obama: They are not in the business of hate, Mister Netanyahu, that’s your business. They just report the truth, the way
they see it of course.
Netanyahu: Well, let me ask you something about the truth: You know who really calls the shots in Washington when it
comes to Israel, don’t you?
Obama: Enlighten me, Mister Netanyahu.
Netanyahu: I do. You must know that by now. I will launch our AIPAC boys at you, and they will bark at your phones and
at the congressmen and senators’ phones off the hooks like a pack of Dobermans. And of course, my friend Sheldon Adelson
will take care of business money wise. So get ready, together they will make your life hell there in D.C.
Obama: Be my guest, Prime Minister. There is nothing much I can lose in two years.
Netanyahu: Oh yes, you can. Your legacy.
Obama: Let me worry about that.
Netanyahu: Of course. And by the way, you know the Adelsons are coming to town tomorrow. We’ll have a celebratory dinner
in Tel Aviv.
Obama: I’m not surprised. Who’s paying for dinner?
Netanyahu: Ha-ha, that’s a good one, Bama. I didn’t know you have such a good sense of humor.
Obama: Now you know.
Netanyahu: Good. I’ll be your guest there at the White House before you know it, and we can tell jokes to each other for
a change, over dinner.
Obama: I have no doubt you’ll be coming soon. Have a safe trip, then, and good–
Netanyahu: Wait, it reminds me. What about the Passover Seder this year?
Obama: What about it?
Netanyahu: It would be nice, you know, if you’ll invite our ambassador there over to the White House for–
Netanyahu: Why not. In return, Ron will gladly invite you over to his house for the second Seder night. It will give you
two an opportunity to get to know each other better. I think that’s just fair.
Obama: What fair is that you’ll call him home for good. Though I’m not sure I know where his home really is.
Netanyahu: Here, when we need him; there, when we need him.
Obama: Fine, that’s sum up both of you pretty well. I never considered you a man of principles, Mister Netanyahu, even
before these elections. But now–
Netanyahu: Now what? I’m very practical, Mister President, you must give me that. And I’ll still be in office long after
Netanyahu: So I suggest you remember that. Don’t go ahead signing up on any bad deals with devils from Iran that won’t
worth the paper it’s written on, that’s my advice to you.
Obama: And if I won’t take your advice, what then?
Netanyahu: Then all hell will break loose before you know it.
Obama: We shall see about that.
Netanyahu: Indeed we shall.
Obama: Good bye.
Netanyahu: Wait, one more thing… damn, I need some ice cream, Sara!