When Turkey decided to ditch its imported U.S. and Israeli military technology out of spite for the Great and Little Satans respectively—it seems that a certain American radar system automatically designates Israeli aircraft as “friendly”—I laughed. When they tried to replace the Israeli-made Heron drone with domestically-produced UAVs, only to find that they couldn’t seem to design one capable of remaining airborne for more than a few minutes, I breathed a sigh of relief. But it seems that Ankara’s gradual descent into madness hasn’t quite hit rock bottom yet. You see, it appears that the Turks are convinced that a bird recently found dead in a farmer’s field is, in fact, an Israeli spy.

Don't be fooled by his small size and cheerfully-colored plumage; this little guy is licensed to kill.

The evidence against the Israelis is pretty hard to contradict. After all, the bird had a tag on its leg marked “Israel.” Some of you might point out that tagging birds is in fact a very common practice among ornithologists (bird scientists) allowing them to track, for instance, their migration habits. You might also be inclined to speculate that if the Mossad is recruiting our little feathered friends, then clearly marking them with a tag that says “Made in Israel” is just lazy as hell, to which I say: Hold on, you didn’t let me finish! As it turns out, this bird also had larger nostrils than usual. Suspiciously large nostrils. Obviously, this was the way in which those devious Zionist operatives were able to install surveillance/mind control equipment into the bird, effectively making it a more literal version of the aforementioned “Heron” drone. No word yet on what Turkey’s top bird surgeons have found inside the animal’s teeny-tiny little noggin, but then, who’s to say the equipment didn’t self-destruct, Mission Impossible-style, the moment the bird landed?

In all seriousness, when Turkish news starts sounding like Al Jazeera crossed with the Protocols of the Elders of Zion (i.e. Al Jazeera’s normal programming), it might be time to start worrying.

This isn’t just diabolical, this is cartoon super-villain territory we’re getting into here. Either way, the Turks had better watch their backs. Remote-controlled surveillance birds are just the beginning. Zionist animal mind control extends well beyond brightly-colored birds. Remember those shark attacks that took place at several Egyptian Red Sea resorts back in 2010? Remember how Egyptian politicians claimed that it was all part of an elaborate scheme by the Mossad to harm Egypt’s tourism industry? Well, considering what happened to the Egyptian government since then, we may have overshot a little.

My point, if there is one, is probably this: If Prime Minister Erdoğan goes for a swim and winds up getting strangled to death by a rogue octopus, don’t say I didn’t warn you.