What do denizens of the internet think about us?

The internet is a dark and mysterious place, inhabited by legions of foul-mouthed trolls, who fill newspaper comment boards with reams of hate-filled bile. Many of these may be safely ignored, in the knowledge that the lonely and angsty souls in such forums are not representative of the general population. Google, however, provides a handy resource for keeping an (unscientific) finger on the pulse of the mood of the internet and discovering what people are thinking. Type something into Google, and the search engine’s “autocomplete” function will predict what you might be looking for: the suggestions, generated automatically by an algorithm, are “a reflection of the search activity of users and the content of web pages“.

So what does a foray into Google reveal about internet users’ attitudes towards Israel and the Jews? The short answer: It’s bad. The long answer: It’s worse than you think.

The following was mined using a Google Chrome incognito browser, having wiped my internet history and cookies — so the results are not influenced by my past searches. I used Google.co.uk, so results may be influenced by what people are searching in the UK; other local Googles may produce different results. You should be able to replicate these results too if you don’t (or can’t) believe what follows (it is impossible to stop Google tailoring results at all, but they should be similar.)

[Health warning: You are advised to pour yourself a strong drink (and one for me too, please).]

Let’s start with basics. Israel is right (didn’t expect that, huh?), illegal or wrong (always? about everything?).

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Zionism is racism (notwithstanding the UN’s repeal of its ghastly 1975 resolution), not Judaism (presumably typed by those trying to convince themselves that they’re not antisemites) and Nazism (yes, Nazism). 

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Zionists, therefore, are Nazis, evil and (less aggressively?) like Nazis.

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Their state, Israel, has become Nazi Germany.

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Their leader Netanyahu is reviled: the new Hitler, a Zionist (he’s been outed!) and mad (which in British English means ‘crazy’, not ‘angry’).

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It’s perfectly reasonable for people to ask why do Zionists want Israel or want Palestine, but option three is straight out of the Protocols: Why do Zionists want to take over the world? 

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As for these Nazi-like Zionists’ victims, Gaza is a concentration camp and burning. Inside, Israel [is] acting like Nazis and like Hitler. [I stumbled on this by looking for ‘Israel acting prime minister’.]

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Israel’s enemy is Hamas [which] is… a creation of Mossad. (A statement as true as the next two suggestions: good and Shia.)

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So what future awaits this evil state? The internet is gloomy — or rather, gleeful. Israel will fall, be destroyed or cease to exist. 

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This fate is only fitting, given that Israel has no right to existfuture or right to self defence. 

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Perhaps unsurprisingly at this point, what are people searching for when they Google ‘Israeli flag’? You’ll never guess. It’s toilet paper. 

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You know what, let’s forget Israel. What about Jews? Here there is some gentle flattery, as people wonder why are Jews rich and so smart. 

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But their symbols are anything but: people want to know whether the Star of David is evil or bad (umm, no?)

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When they look up the Jewish star, they also want to know if it’s evil (still no), satanic (because Israel is Little Satan?) or illuminati (!).

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And finally — the Holocaust. Still some drink in that tumbler? The Holocaust is a lie or fake, and there’s even proof.

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The obsession with Israel is all-encompassing. Even before Google thinks you might want to know why are people gay (a perennial worry), or flamingos pink (how many people ask this?), it assumes you want to know: why are Israel and Gaza fighting? Nothing is more important.

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Happy browsing. I’m sure you like the internet more than it likes you.