I have heard people say things like, “I remember it as if it was yesterday”, when talking about the birth of their first child. Not for me. I have a hard time relating to the distant memory of twenty years ago when Sadok was born. Maybe it is because I was a different person then. As a neurotic mother filled with constant worry for his well being, I tried desperately to control everything in and around his life to ensure he would be OK. I did not send him off to any program until he was three and a half and held my breath everyday until he came home.
It is no secret to those who know me that G-d is a large part of my consciousness and my well being.I had always thought that I had strong Emuna, until one day it was pointed out to me that one who truly has faith, need not worry. We all are so very fragile and this world is replete with dangers all around. We need to take every precaution possible, do what we know to be right, pray and have faith in G-d. This made so much sense to me, but somehow I continued to worry. I believed with all my heart and soul that everything happens for a reason and that I could trust in G-d, but I knew that it did not promise a pain free existence. This is when I started to ask G-d to hold my hand, walk with me and empower me to let go. As time went on I started to feel that I could hold on to the All powerful and know that only He can truly control events, not me. This knowledge forced me to release the burdens off my back into the hands of G-d.
This new state of mind redeemed me from the slavery of worry. I now feel peaceful. I still have many concerns, but I am not consumed with fear and paranoia. I have clarity of mind to make sound decisions and feel connected to a higher power that is constant and peaceful.
Friends have said to me, “I am sure you don’t sleep at night having a son in the army”…. well I do. I sleep because I know there is a G-d. I sleep because He is in control, not me. I sleep because staying up all night will not ensure the safety of my Sadok. I sleep because I believe that since sleep is one sixtieth of death that I am closer to Him when I sleep and that will refresh my spirit.
I know I cannot control anything Sadok is going through now, but I will hold onto G-d and be strong. I spent the last few hours staring at his picture looking into his eyes hoping that he will sense it and feel my prayers and love which will give him the strength to do what he must with peace of mind and love in his heart.
I hope and pray for strength for all the parents and loved ones of our precious soldiers. May G-d, who never sleeps, provide all the soldiers with all they need physically, mentally and psychologically while they do their best to protect and defend our people and country. May G-d watch over them and shield them from harm until they return home soon and safe with their mission successfully accomplished.