10 things you read on the Internet

We live in extraordinary times, when you can back up any ludicrous statement you make with “I read it on the Internet.” It even works for Jewish religious law: “I read somewhere that you can (insert a leniency) on Shabbat when (insert the circumstance you happen to be in/requirements).

So, as a public service, here are 10 things you didn’t know are true, and probably aren’t, which you can drop into conversation, prefaced with, “I read on the Internet that…” After all, you’re reading it on the Internet!

As a bonus, I’ve provided a key (below) to the approximate truthfulness of each item.

1. Pope Francis is 1/2 Jewish.
2. An all-beef-hotdog diet prevents male pattern baldness.
3. Adam Sandler movies are funny.
4. Russian women want to meet you.
5. There are 100 toothpick-related deaths a year.
6. You can lose weight without dieting.
7. My book Shut Up and Eat is in it’s 15th printing.
8. Global warming is a hoax.
9. Elvis lives.
10. You can use any elevator on Shabbat.

Key

1. No, but you are, at most.
2. Probably true, because the hotdogs will kill you before you go bald.
3. No, but his song “Phone, Wallet, Keys” is.
4. Partially true. If you’re a software engineer they might want to interview you for the team they manage at an amazing start-up.
5. I thought this was Internet garbage, but it turns out that there are more than 100, according to…the Internet.
6. Try this and let me know how it goes.
7. Print on demand, baby.
8. No one can force you to believe anything, but if you leave your car idling for more than 30 seconds while you wait for your friend to show up, you’re still a jerk.
9. According to Jewish lore neither Jacob nor Elijah died. I’m just sayin.
10. You can, but only if you take a monkey from a zoo and train it to push the buttons for you for a single Shabbat, after which you must return it to the zoo. Some halachic authorities require that the monkey be returned to the wild, as Adam and Eve were commanded to work the garden and preserve it. This more strict opinion raises questions as to the nature of a zoo’s ownership of animals, and makes the whole process considerably more difficult, but hey – you won’t have to walk up and down the stairs!