Shia Altman

2015, Enough Already!

In the beginning of the year, al-Qaeda terrorists killed 17 people at several locations in Paris.  One location was the Charlie Hebdo office and another was the Hyper Cacher Kosher market in Paris – the office housing a satirical magazine whose contributors had the chutzpah to believe in free speech, and the other against people who had the chutzpah to believe in Judaism.  Many warned that unless terrorism was taken seriously, more attacks would occur.

So in a move calculated to make the Jihadists tremble, US Secretary of State John Kerry quickly dispatched James Taylor to France.  Taylor sang, “You’ve Got a Friend,” and lo and behold, terrorism stopped!

The New England Patriots deflated footballs on the way to the Super Bowl.  The New England Patriots owner elevated football when he honored 18-year-old American Ezra Schwartz who was murdered by a Palestinian terrorist in Israel, with a moment of silence before a game later in the year.  (True, and very nice.)

Jewish actor and mentsch Leonard Nimoy, best known for his portrayal of Star Trek’s Mr. Spock, took his voyage to the final frontier at the age of 83.  Nimoy based his memorable “Vulcan Salute” on the fingers/hands gesture used by Jewish priests when giving the Priestly Blessing during synagogue prayers.  (Yes, it’s true.)

A couple days before the Jewish holiday of Purim, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu annoyed President Barack Obama and many Democrats when he addressed a joint session of Congress about the Iran nuclear negotiations.  Netanyahu compared Iran’s present day Supreme Leader Ali Khamenei to the ancient Persian leader Haman, who 2,500 years before in the same land, also wanted to destroy the Jewish people.

At one point in the speech the prime minister set up a poster board, and using red and black markers drew a picture of the evil Haman handing a round bomb with a lit fuse to Khamenei as Israel’s Ambassador to the United States, Ron Dermer, handed out “hamantashen” to the US lawmakers.

Much to the chagrin of President Obama, Netanyahu again became Israel’s Prime Minister when his Likud party received the most parliamentary seats in Israel’s legislative election and he was able to form a coalition government.  In a congratulatory phone call, the president told Netanyahu to drop dead.  The prime minister replied, “You first.”

American Pharaoh, owned by an Egyptian Orthodox Jew, won horseracing’s Triple Crown.  Not to be outdone, being trained for next year’s horse racing season is a thoroughbred owned by a consortium of Breslov Chasidim.  Named Ne Nei Neigh Whinny, the horse has shown great promise.

A premeditated and savage killing of an innocent captured the world’s attention and united millions of people like nothing else ever had.  ISIS?  No.  Iran?  No.  Hamas.  No.  An American dentist with nothing better to do shot a lion in Zimbabwe and all hell broke loose.  In a related story, looking for a way to gain the world’s sympathy and protection, thousands of Israeli couples named their newborn children Cecil.

President Obama claimed victory after he muscled the P5+1 Iran nuclear deal past the US Congress.  Hailing the agreement, John Kerry claimed should Iran ever cheat, there was a provision within the Joint Comprehensive Plan of Action that would trigger an immediate and severe response.

Per the provision (Annex VIII, Section D, Point 4): “Should Joint Commission International Atomic Energy Agency inspectors determine Iran is in violation of any compliance section herein, within 24 days, the Iranian parliament must attend no fewer than six Justin Bieber concerts, three emceed by Miley Cyrus, the other three by Kim Kardashian.”

The dictator of Syria killed many more thousands of his citizens, and much of the rest of his population fled for the stability of Europe, straining that continent’s borders and identities, adding to its own destabilization.  The Russian de facto dictator stepped into the Syrian fray – giving cover to the Syrian despot, making what was already a mess even more chaotic.  Appalled by the events, the United Nations Security Council condemned Israel, with the United States abstaining.

Israelis and Americans were murdered and maimed by Arab terrorists in the Jewish State, even more so than usual.  As I write this, terrorists continue to target Israelis, the world continues to yawn, and CNN just issued a story with the headline, “Israeli child’s face, neck, chest and stomach attack knife held by Palestinian.”

Test-launching a long range ballistic missile, terrorist state Iran appeared to have violated the nuclear deal to which it agreed only a few months before.  The Iranians however, claimed its rockets would not carry nuclear warheads but would instead carry kabob and rice dishes as part of its outreach program to Western countries.

When questioned about Iran’s action, a US State Department spokesman told reporters, “There was no violation because we believe the Iranians and we trust them to self-inspect their missiles.  Besides, have you tasted their kabob?  It is absolutely scrumptious!”

The continent that brought us the Holocaust, unified in essentially boycotting Jewish products yet again, by requiring goods manufactured by Israelis outside the 1949 Armistice Agreements “Green Line” to be labeled as “Made in Settlements” instead of “Made in Israel.”

In response to criticism from Israeli leaders noting that other countries controlling “disputed” territories had never experienced such discrimination, Sweden’s foreign minister said, “It is fundamentally and categorically unfair to say we are discriminating against Israel.  It is simply the Jews we hate.”

After ISIS terrorists murdered 130 people at a concert, a sports stadium and several restaurants in Paris, President Barack Obama threatened the Jihadists by vowing to meet with world leaders to discuss climate change.  Good to his word, the impassioned president kept that meeting, and lo and behold, terrorism stopped!

Teaching a 13-year-old Israeli girl a valuable lesson in manners and common courtesy, anti-Israel, British Jewish BDS (Boycotts, Divestment and Sanctions) activist and equine expert Marsha Levine refused to answer the child’s questions about horse domestication and breeding until “all Jews left Israel and went back to where they came from.”  When told that place was Israel, the academic said, “Oh.  I thought it was Brooklyn.”

Jimmy Carter’s cancer went into remission after he received a regimen of an Israeli-tested immunotherapy drug called Keytruda.  While announcing the good news to his bible study class in Plains, Ga, the appreciative former Democratic US president again called for the removal of Hamas from the US list of Foreign Terrorist Organizations and for the group to be recognized as a legitimate political partner in the Middle East peace process.

After radical Muslims gunned down 14 at a facility for the developmentally disabled in San Bernardino, CA, President Obama lectured the country about the need for gun control.  In a surprise move, every Muslim terrorist lined up at gun surrender locations throughout the world and traded in their weapons for their choice of either a Bed, Bath and Beyond gift card or a coupon for a free family meal at participating Olive Garden restaurants.

“Shlong” was inserted into the US presidential race when the leading Republican ridiculed the leading Democrat.  The more outrageous things the Republican said during the campaign, and the more the Democrat lied, the more each went up in the polls.  After studying the polling results to try and gain electoral traction, Jeb Bush called Donald Trump a “shmendrik,” and Bernie Sanders said what the Democratic National Committee was doing for Hillary Clinton was “farshtunken.”

Well, “dos is alles” for 2015.  May we live long and prosper in 2016.

About the Author
Shia Altman who hails from Baltimore, MD, now lives in Los Angeles. His Jewish studies, aerospace, and business and marketing background includes a BA from the University of Maryland and an MBA from the University of Baltimore. When not dabbling in Internet Marketing, Shia tutors Bar and Bat Mitzvah, and Judaic and Biblical Studies to both young and old.
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