Benji Lovitt
Because the Middle East is Funny

45% of Electorate Chooses to Defecate in Envelope

Bringing weeks of back-and-forth political tension to a conclusion, Israeli voters expressed their distaste for the lack of attractive candidates by dumping into their ballot envelopes.

“I’ve just had it with this ridiculous coalition system”, said David Bar-Wasser, a secular Ra’anana oleh of twenty-three years.  “The majority of the country doesn’t like our current Prime Minister yet there’s no one better to vote for.  This seemed like the best way to voice my dissatisfaction.  Plus, I really needed to drop a deuce.”

Early returns estimated that as of 11 AM, the most votes had been cast for “dump in envelope”, followed by Likud-Beyteinu, then Labor, Yesh Atid and Jewish Home in some order, and in fifth place, the “light ballot on fire” option.  While Israeli-born voters felt confident about their choice to crap in the envelope based on the country’s complete lack of credible options, the immigrant population spent far more time deliberating.

Said Ricki Weiss, a religious British olah chadasha from Jerusalem:  “To be quite honest, I went back and forth.  I like Bennett’s conviction to return our fate to our own hands but I also see the value in voting for Shelly’s economic program so I can finish the month with more money in my pocket.  It was a tough choice but in the end, I chose to follow my heart and s*** directly into the ballot box.”

In an unrelated incident, one Shas voter was angered this morning when told that his vote did not count, even though he had shoved the ballot into the Kotel.

About the Author
Since making aliyah in 2006, Benji Lovitt has performed stand-up comedy and educational programs for groups including Jewish Federations, Chabads, synagogues, Masa Israel Journey, and Birthright Israel. His perspectives on aliyah and Israeli society have been featured on Israeli TV and radio and in publications such as USA Today, Time Magazine, the BBC, and more. Benji has worked as a cross-cultural trainer with groups including the Ministry of Foreign Affairs and Masa Israel and is a popular presenter on the Limmud International circuit. During 2014's Operation Protective Edge, his humorous observations on the war led to his being called in Israel "the only reason to go on Facebook.”
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