911 — What’s your emergency?

Dispatcher: 911, what’s your emergency?

Caller: There is a gang of people outside my home with guns and bombs threatening to kill my entire family!

Dispatcher: And what would you like us to do about that?

Caller: Are you serious? I want you to come over here, arrest them and throw them in jail!

Dispatcher: I have a much better idea! I am sending over a team of governmental representatives to give them money to buy more guns and ammo. After that, I will also make sure that the schools and businesses that these ne’er-do-wells had no access to, they will now be able to have access to them.

Caller: Wait a minute! Are you telling me that your plan gives them MORE guns and MORE public access!? Are you kidding me?

Dispatcher: But wait, there is more! I will also recommend that this governmental rep group stipulate that this group outside your home have free access in the open market to buy more guns, which they promise to use for peaceful purposes.

Caller: How do you know they will use GUNS for peaceful purposes?

Dispatcher: Because there is a United Nations resolution (Number 666) that expressly prohibits this gang from using the guns for any other use. So, there is a piece of paper that says they can’t; so we are fairly confident that they won’t.

Caller: Even if that is true, don’t you like need to verify that they are actually keeping up their part of the bargain?

Dispatcher: Oh, we have that covered as well. We will be sending them a notice every year on January 1st that will give them seventeen months notice of an inspection of any known warehouse that they may have. This way, we will keep a tight leash on this group.

Caller: Won’t that give them time to hide their stuff??

Dispatcher: There is no way they can move all their product that fast. Besides, they also promised to send us pictures of their warehouses as to how they look on the inside. And if we feel that there is any discrepancy, we have agreed to go to an arbitration board to discuss. Obviously, the gang themselves will have final say if they have broken our agreement.

Caller: Can we just all take a step back and look at the situation that is happening RIGHT now right outside my house?! They are saying they want to murder me!

Dispatcher: So, if there is nothing else that you need, I will now end this call.

Caller: Wait…I just told you that they are RIGHT NOW coming closer saying they want to kill me!

Dispatcher: Great, then, I am glad we have been able to resolve your problem to the satisfaction of all parties. Have a nice day….

Note: In a real emergency in Israel, do not dial 911; instead dial 100.

(In addition, in a real emergency anywhere, do not call the Obama administration, as you will get a scenario like the one above that will “protect” you!)

About the Author
After living in Chicago for 50 years, the last 10 of which Zev Shandalov served as a shul Rav and teacher in local Orthodox schools, his family made Aliya to Maale Adumim in July 2009. Shandalov currently works as a teacher, mostly interacting with individual students.