A Guide to Proper Jewish Behavior on the Temple Mount

Attention Jews!  Your behavior lately has been deplorable, as highlighted today when five Jewish teenagers were arrested on the Temple Mount. Jews, like those boys, who are ascending the Temple Mount, are making Netanyahu’s job of maintaining the status quo on the Temple Mount so difficult. So here’s a little reminder of what a “good Jew” should act like while on the Temple Mount.

First things first though, if you were really a good Jew, you would not even want to visit the Temple Mount in the first place. Never mind that standing at the Gateway to Heaven where your forefathers Abraham, Isaac, Jacob, David, and Solomon stood, might be considered by some as the quintessential Jewish experience. That was then, this is now. Now Jews are supposed to feel perfectly comfortable and satisfied with standing with their nose to a wall.

But if you insist on still going to the Temple Mount, this is a reminder of how a good appeasing Jew should act.

1.  No matter how bad you are being harassed by Arabs who are being paid by Hamas to harass Jews, whatever you do, do NOT ask the Israeli police to intervene. This kind of ridiculous request and expectation will promptly get you arrested, even if you are a minor. Case in point: Five Jewish teenagers ages 14-16 were arrested on February 1 for asking the police to intervene, i.e. do their job, and stop Arabs from harassing them. Silly boys. Who did they think the police worked for?  Those audacious Jewish boys should have simply followed the instructions of the waqf’s watchdog, as seen in the photo below, showing the boys what their proper behavior should have been.

2.  Do not, I repeat, do not under any circumstances wave or display a flag that is blue and white and has a star of David on it. Such audacious behavior will lead to arrest. However, if you have in your possession a green Hamas flag, a Palestinian flag, and/or an ISIS flag, feel free to wave and/or display those with pride and fervor.

3.  If you are a Jewish woman do not try to take contraband, i.e. grape juice, in your purse onto the Temple Mount.  Doing so will result in a restraining order barring you from going on the Temple Mount.  However, if you are an Arab woman, you can join in making a human chain in hopes of preventing Jews from walking on the Temple Mount.

4.  If you are a Jew and want to commemorate a Jewish holiday on the Temple Mount, you probably will only get to stand for hours looking at a locked gate.  However, if you want to hold a rally on the Temple Mount in support of the Muslim Brotherhood (you know, the group that calls for the destruction of Israel), knock yourself out.

5.  If you are an elderly Jew who once was a paratrooper in the Six Day War, who helped liberate the Temple Mount, and you want to say a prayer in commemoration of your fallen comrades on the Temple Mount, what are you mashugana?  This kind of blatant incitement will promptly get you arrested and banned indefinitely from the Temple Mount.

6.  Also, another cautionary note to the elderly. If you get thirsty while on the Temple Mount and you open a bottle of water and say a blessing before taking your first drink, you will also be arrested.  The nerve of the elderly!   And you thought it was just Jewish teenagers causing a ruckus on the Temple Mount.

7.  If you are a current or former Knesset member and want to ascend the Temple Mount, this will be considered as nothing more than in-your-face incitement.  However, if you are a cleric of another faith and call Jews “apes and pigs” in your sermon on the Temple Mount, this will be considered an expression of one’s faith.

8.  Lastly, and most importantly, whatever you do, do NOT move your lips while on the Temple Mount.  Any gesture that looks like you are praying will be met with the furor of the waqf, the waqf’s watchdogs, and the Israeli police.  You will promptly be removed from the Temple Mount and arrested.  No prayer for you!

Otherwise, if you still insist on your right as a Jew to ascend the Temple Mount, have a wonderful time while not acting like a Jew while visiting the holiest site of the Jews.  Enjoy!

* Please note – All rules are subject to change.  Changes will be noted when Jews decide they’ve had enough subjugation.