Addressing An Ongoing Issue: Facebook Etiquette

My top three reasons as to why I check my phone too many times in one day:

1)   The Queen of England may be personally calling me the moment Kate Middleton goes in to labor. So naturally, as a citizen of Planet Earth, I am obligated to check my iPhone to see if the third in line has graced his/her presence yet.

2)   It’s really a matter of safety. The fighting in Syria could spill over into Israel. The revolting in Egypt could spill over into Israel. Iran could nuke us. North Korea could nuke us. The Arabs could blow themselves up around us. Hamas could throw missiles at us. Hezbollah could start up again. Basically to quote Louis Armstrong, “what a wonderful world.”

3)   I am patiently waiting for Lea Michele’s first tweet since the passing of her boyfriend, Cory Monteith.

Love it or hate it, communication, networking, information and the news all takes place online. And I think any honest person would be lying if they say they don’t go on some social media site at least twice a day. Fortunately or unfortunately.

However, more often than not for some bizarre reason people forget social cues, manners, social norms, and their dignity.

I believe it is up to me to set the world straight on this matter. Yes, this is why I have been placed into the world at this time. Enough is enough.

Please excuse my honesty.

Disclaimer: The following guidelines may provide some arguments or questions regarding my sanity. I promise I am normal, am not overly sensitive, and do have a life. I am doing this for the sole sake of the future of manners and social norms as well as for a better tomorrow.

1)   I go to a very nice doctor. So nice that yes, she does have other patients besides for me. Shocker. This doctor may even have a kid or a cousin. And that kid or cousin may even have a pet who has a vet. If you are my doctor’s cousin’s pet’s vet, don’t friend me. I. Don’t. Know. You.

Not to toot my own horn or anything, but I get too many friend requests from:

a)    People I have never heard of.

b)   People that I have heard of but have never personally met.

I really don’t want to be rude but, why would you want to be friends with someone I don’t know?! The only answer I can think of is that you are a kidnapper and want to find out where my hang out spots are based on my pictures so you can kidnap me. In which case, no, I don’t want to be your friend.

2)   If we are going to discuss “friend-ing” we might as well discuss “de-friend-ing”.

Call me crazy but I think de-“friend-ing” is rude. Unless you feel like that person is going to light your house on fire, kill you or stab you with more then four knives (in short, threatening your safety), then there is no need to de-friend. Actually, if you feel this person is threatening your safety you should call 911, but we’ll save that for another time.

There are enough blocking options that “de-friend-ing “shouldn’t be a question.

And yes, the “de-friende” knows that you “de-friend-ed” them. We aren’t stupid and we don’t plan harming you in any way shape or form. I think.

3)   One of my biggest pet peeves is when people take mirror pictures, aka “selfies” of themselves and post them on Facebook or should I say the newest Miss America platform. I am telling you, there are way too many people that are guilty of getting all dolled up, standing in front of a dirty and/or greasy mirror, holding their phone is a strange position so you can see their face of course and making a bizarre duck or kissy face in order to see how many people “like” it.

I have an idea. Why don’t you go out to coffee with all your friends who think you are “omg soooooooo pretty.”

4)   This is the age-old pet peeve that I think all of humanity, except for the people doing it, are on the same page with. If you are in a relationship, I don’t want to see it on my newsfeed.

Fine, I get the profile picture change. I’m not the biggest fan of the whole relationship status change, but I can play devils advocate on that one, but the wall-to-wall lovey dovey situation, well there can be no advocating there.

Obviously you like/love/lurve each other. Shocker. That’s why you are dating/engaged/married, but I don’t want to read it. I don’t. I simply don’t.

That’s why g-d invented Facebook messaging, texting, whatsapp, Skype, FaceTime, Snapchat, email, and basic face-to-face speaking (what a concept).

To put it blunty- NO ONE CARES. NOT ONE PERSON. NO. ONE.

5)   I think we are all allowed a one time pass on this one, but more than that is simply unacceptable.

When someone writes something like this on your wall:


Call me

K thanks bye”

a)    I really am no grammar police (I am sure there are more then 10 grammatical mistakes in this post alone, and that’s after proofreading), but periods? Commas? Don’t even get me started on spelling words wrong on purpose. I mean at least make an effort.

b)   Who speaks (in this case writes) like this? Honestly when I read a post like this I feel like I am reading something a robot wrote.

c)   If you really want to talk to me then you call me as opposed to declaring to the world that a phone conversation is about to take place. Unless we are talking about how to stop Iran from creating a nuclear bomb or a cure for cancer, I really don’t think the world needs to know or will care.

Ok, for the sake of my reputation I will stop here.

Depending if I have friends (not referring to the Facebook definition of friends in this case) or not after this article is read I may or may not post part two.

About the Author
Lottie Kestenbaum was born to British parents and grew up in New Jersey. To add to the identity crisis, Lottie made aliyah in August 2012. Hello tri-citizenship! She is currently pursuing a Masters degree in Holocaust Studies at Haifa University and living in Jerusalem. Yes, it is a shlep. No need to mention it :-)