Aliyah Manifesto: Advocacy???

Let Me Explain this To You Hasbara Fellow
Israelis Accept that their Society is messed up & We Love it

Who do the tourists think they are? People come to Israel and learn a little about the country, then they become the representatives of Israel, doing Hasbara. They are not fit to represent Israel. They witnessed a conversation between Arabs and Jews, they sound polite and they want world peace. This is nothing representative of anybody in the Middle East.
There should be an elimination process before we allow these feeble minded to represent us. Rules should come into affect: You can only represent Israel if you have read a book, have passed puberty and have not attended a liberal arts college. Jews are supposed to be the smartest people. I read the Bell Curves book. But we sound sooo dumb when we try to argue for Israel, because these Hasbara people, like idiots, try to use logic.
Are we really educating people who can speak out for Israel advocacy? We don’t need people speaking out for Israel advocacy. We need people speaking out for Israel.

College students go back to their campuses, ‘Israel is not wrong for wanting to exist… A country has the right to not want to get bombed.’ Now we have these idiots representing us in the world of academia, with arguments about the concept of the right of a people to want to defend itself. Nobody cares about a country’s right to defend itself. This is Israel’s front line in the war on terror and they are talking about an Israel, with Jews living in it. ‘Israel does not want to get bombed,’ is their argument. How is that going to help anybody?
College students are vehemently against Israel, because they know Jewish people. You cannot argue a people’s right to exist in a land, when they want them dead and better deals on their tax returns.
Even the Jews on college campuses are against Israel, because they know Jewish people too. I understand that Jews living in Israel offends your celebration of Christmas. For this reason, Jews are out there demonstrating, ‘Israel allowed more Jews to move in. They cannot… Why? Because they are Jews. Kill the Jews. Jews are tyrants. I know, I am Jewish and I am out here protesting with a megaphone…Let’s boycott them.’ When your argument makes no sense, boycott. I have learned in my lifetime that boycotting is the strongest statement you can make against oppressive regimes. For this reason, I have decided to boycott nuclear weapons.
On college campuses there are many students who have never been to Israel or the Middle East. As such, they have developed opinions about Israel’s right to exist. Hasbara says, ‘No! Do not boycott Israel.’ But you have to be ready to throw the smack down. ‘…OK then (you have to be ready for the acceptance of the boycott argument), don’t enjoy disease. Israel created a vaccine for disease.’ The actual name of the disease is not important. There is a disease. Israel created a vaccine for some kind of illness, and for that reason Israelis are not oppressors. Disease sounds good. As Hasbara teaches, Hasbara being ‘explanation,’ never be specific about anything. Three weeks in Israel, just remember, Israel created a vaccine.
I think Israel should stop worrying about the universety boycotts. College students are not the number one consumer of Jaffa oranges. They are not importing our kosher fast food to most cafeterias in the mid-West, and they have already been boycotting Hebrew textbooks for years. When was the last time those anti-Semites at Berkeley purchased our Hebrew literature.
I like to repeat my statements of enlightenment. To reiterate: There are a lot of students on college campuses.

The Hasbara people are out there trying to do good on behalf of the Israeli argument. However, they have a warped sense of Israeli society and what support Israel needs.
I was talking about sufganiot and how they come with no jelly inside. A strong argument for better pastry making in Israel (sufganiot are an Israeli Chanukah, doughnut type pastry fried in oil. The difference between sufganiot and doughnuts is doughnuts taste good. Based on the miracle of Chanukah and oil lasting for 8 days which should have only lasted for one, religious coercion forces us to use excessive amounts of oil in our food, living the Jewish tradition of the trots). The problem, I contended, was that they come with a little spot of jelly on the outside, to tease me. Now, this lady starts arguing with me, ‘Oh, I have had some very good sufganiot.’ I let her know that she probably had some good doughnuts, as doughnuts have jelly inside. She started yelling at me, as she exclaimed, ‘Israelis are good people.’ She was offended about my take on sufganiot, as Ne’eman Café must have had good sufganiot one year, with a little jelly inside. I was offended that she thought Israelis were sufganiot. Now Americans don’t make as good of rugulach, but I do not call Americans strudels. That would sound really dumb and many Israelis would think that Americans are the ‘@’ sign.
Given, her argument on behalf of Israel was much stronger than the Israelis are not oppressors dispute. However, I still believe that Hasbara arguments should not be based around sufganiot. And that is where she went wrong. She should have reasoned with me about the bad shwarma in the shuk area of Jerusalem, and how Israelis are not shwarma. Then she might have had a good argument on behalf of Israel.
As I was being assaulted, another Hasbara guy came over to me and told me, that I am an American and he is from Britain. He continued, ‘I have been doing Hasbara for many years…As Anglos, we should be making Israel more cultured.’ I do not know which Hasbara seminar he attended which fed him that argument. That statement of Hasbara offended even my Israeli sensibilities. I don’t know how he was helping Israel with his support for people from ancient Germanic ancestry. I feel like he was using Hasbara as a way to feel better about himself. He doesn’t even live in Israel. He is returning to Britain, arguing on behalf of Israel, ‘They are not to blame, they are not as refined as us.’ I guess he is the supporter of the ‘Israelis are very archaic and disabled’ Hasbara theory. Which I must say is the greatest support of Israel’s side. ‘Don’t blame the Jews. They kill by accident. They didn’t mean to not put jelly in the sufganiot.’
And what does sufgoniot have to do with arguing on behalf of Israel? ‘You think Israel doesn’t have the right to exist and you deny the Holocaust, here try a sufgania.’ ‘What kind of a worthless country would make this poorly jellyed pastry?’
Who are you Hasbara person, to call what you have ‘culture’? What is culture? The word culture from what I understand, means whatever a British person does with whatever accent from Westminster, London. That is why people do not move to Britain: they don’t like culture and they don’t like rain.

Here is Hasbara for you. Israelis try not to kill. The truth is that all we try to do is defend ourselves and bring morality to the world. The only time an Israeli would kill somebody on purpose is if there was a parking spot that was taken from him. They might also kill if there was a guy who did not beep at a green light and he had to wait. An Israeli might also kill if a shopkeeper asked them to act properly in their shop. However, an Israeli would never kill a terrorist on purpose.
Here is Hasbara for you, a little explanation, learn the language and learn the culture of Israel. Then, you won’t sound like an idiot. There is culture in Israel and it is not from London. Have you heard of arsim? That is a culture that only exists in Israel. They have their own style Middle Eastern music, to lyrics of Torah mixed with יפה שלי ‘my beautiful,’ and other fine lyrics such as ילדה שלי ‘my daughter.’ You do not find refined culture everywhere, but we have it in Israel. So know it and use it.

Don’t put down Israel for not being refined. That is not good Hasbara. If you want good arguments for Hasbara, you have to think about what is unique about Israelis which represents the society: Israelis only smoke socially in non-smoking areas of restaurants, Israelis are helpers, there are Israelis who help people in traffic- by beeping at them to remind them they are in a car, Israelis speak Hebrew (know what Israelis do), Israelis live in Israel because they are called Israelis and Israel is in he word Israelis, Israelis who work at bodegas/makolets allow for children to enjoy alcohol, parents in Israel allow for children to have freedom to experiment for themselves at 2am, Israelis like to eat at cafes- which is why they don’t report their taxes, Israelis have a very strong work ethic- which is why they work until noon (as my friend Simone Hasbaraed for me). These are just some of the arguments that should be taught at Hasbara.
However, to do good Hasbara, always keep it vague. ‘Israelis invented a vaccine.’ There is a vaccine Israel created. Oh, and never forget to use, ‘Israel has athletes.’ There are many great matkot players in Israel. We must use them for our side.
Some people are fine with disease. I know some very annoying people myself who have had many years added to their lives due to the vaccine epidemic. If the argument ever gets to the level of in depth debates, pull out the big guns. Remember, Israel created soup nuts (שקידי מרק). Israel found a way to get keep something in water for more than 20 hours, without getting soggy. That is right, boycott Israel and don’t enjoy your soup!

About the Author
David Kilimnick: Jerusalem's Comedian performs at his Off The Wall Comedy Basement- Jerusalem's first comedy club, every Thursday in English and every Wednesday in Hebrew, in downtown Jerusalem. David may also be contacted to perform for tour groups in Israel & Synagogue fundraisers around the world, and for your private parties. Contact: 972(50)875-5688 David Kilimnick, dubbed Israel's father of Anglo comedy by the Jerusalem Post, is leading the new pack of English-speaking stand-up comics in Israel . At his Off the Wall Comedy Basement club in Jerusalem (the first of its kind), Kilimnick has been offering up penetrating observations of life in his turbulent adopted country. Tourists and native Israelis alike have been flocking to his cozy, intimate club and raving about his unique ability to transform the daily chaos and aggravation of Israeli life into an evening full of laughter. Kilimnick's material covers the rocky transition from his "New York Cocoon" to his new life as an "Oleh Chadash" or Israeli newcomer. Still single, Kilimnick touches on his religious upbringing, his rabbinic insights, the injustices of Jewish grammar school and Jewish summer camp, and the looks he gets from his Jewish mother because he isn't married yet. Meanwhile, Kilimnick's universal humor takes you on a tour of funny through the Holy Land. Incorporating routines from his shows 'The Aliyah Monologues Classic 1 & 2','Find Me A Wife,' 'Frum From Birth: Religious Manifesto', his music show 'Avtala Band' & more, David Kilimnick justifies his Aliyah (move to Israel), while taking you through the reality of life as a single immigrant, Israel experiences, holidays & family left behind. You are sure to walk away entertained, enlightened, or with David. David has recently appeared on "Bip" Israel's comedy network, צחוק מעבודב and has been hailed by the tough Israeli media as a rising star who possesses Seinfeldian charm when he takes to the stage.