Aliyah manifesto: be a tourist

Be A Tourist and Know You are Not as Good
At least Israelis screw you over with tact

Tourists love to come and complain about everything. They are just like Olim. But they do not have the right to complain. I paid my dues, I moved to Israel, I have the right to complain. When tourists complain, they are just rude and not versed in the Middle Eastern ways.

Tourists act worse than Israelis. The tourists get cut off in line and then they turn on you. I have even heard Americans stop saying ‘Thank you.’ An Israeli will cut you off, OK, that is what they do. The tourist takes it to the next level. The tourist gets cut off, next thing you know, they have been taken advantage of too long and they start keeping their place on line. They make a point of it. They stay there for hours. The Israeli moves onto the next line so they can cut somebody off there. The American does not move; just holds the spot. Stays there for hours, educating everybody how to keep a queue and hate Americans.

The American tourist feels the obligation to educate. America never sent a nuclear bomb into the region and as such, the Middle East is not cultured. Not enough people know of Rihanna in these parts. People in Israel are still using Biblical names for their children. The next thing you know, the American is cutting off everybody and budging with vengeance. The Israeli expects it and the American makes a point of it- ‘I cut you off…You see that?’ Yes we do and somebody else just cut me off again. Now I am standing on a line where I have been cut off by an Israeli and an American. And I thanked them both.

Given, Israelis should understand that they have people visiting their country, who don’t understand that it is culturally acceptable to take advantage of other people. Us Israelis do not understand that it is not acceptable around the world to rip people off, lie and talk aggressively nasty.

Israelis at least have an etiquette when they cut you off. If you are cutting somebody off and you get noticed, you have to give up your spot and go back to your place on line. Noticed means that somebody screamed at you for cutting them and threatened your life. That is why Israelis have developed a technique, whereby they go to the front of the line, cutting off everybody, pretending like they do not notice that there are other people there, who have been waiting for a good two hours. The key is to not look at anybody in the eyes. If you cut off everybody and have no pride and no dignity, you can slide right through the line with ease. I have developed this lack of self respect in order to move ahead as an Oleh.

You must leave your pride and dignity with the tourists. If you hold onto your pride, you cannot unshamefully look people in the eyes without having to apologize to everybody in the grocery for having to run to something that is more important than their lives. If you do not look at them, that means they do not notice and therefore it is comfortable for everybody. If they murmur to their friends that you are a piece of —-, that does not mean that they noticed you. If you hear them say, ‘Israelis are so rude,’ that does not mean it is about you, who cut the line.

You can also use the ‘I only have a question’ cut, but after taking care of all your taxes and letters you were finishing up by the clerk, you still have to walk out with your head down; as they all noticed that you had the longest question ever, and your question consisted of filling out forms and writing letters to your loved ones.

The difference is that the Olim and tourists get angry. Israelis don’t get angry, they remain angry. Israelis, from their infancy are in a constant state of ‘I have just gotten screwed over.’ That is what happens from the day you are born in the Middle East. Even your first day, ‘I was born in a land where my neighbors want to kill me. I am screwed…take my place in line.’ Remember, every time an somebody in this country cuts in line, there are a bunch of people still in their state of perpetually being screwdom.

All these tourists come with their glorified sense of America. ‘In America, nobody cuts you off.’ That is in the Midwest. Spend some time in New York City, where there are Israelis. If there is one thing I have to give the USA, it is excellent roads and easy driving. Everybody loves driving in the USA, where people drive on the right side of the street. All of these countries where they drive on the left side, like Britain, South Africa and Israel, love how much easier it is to drive on the right side.

Israel isn’t right or wrong. Israel is. Israel is the only country that people move to, in mass, for ideological reasons. The Torah doesn’t say, ‘Move for falafel.’ The Torah says, ‘Move to Israel even if the falafel sucks and you get cut off in line.’ That is Hasbara. We are not in Israel because it is perfect. We are in Israel because it is life. We move to Israel because it is hard. We move to Israel because people are nasty. We move to Israel to share our Anglo values. And may I add? I will. If sufganiot and hamentashen tasted good, they would not be a tradition, they would be dessert.

The Rambam (rabbi from a long time ago to be specific) speaks of how Israel is the King’s Castle. Israel, and if I may say Jerusalem, is the greatest microcosmic, macro-cosmic experience there is in the world. All of the physical and spiritual pleasures may be found here. It is the person’s job, maybe even a tourist’s job, to find which way is correct. It is not always easy to find the clubs in Tel Aviv. As the moral burden is greater in Israel than any other place, it is the seeker’s duty to be very frustrated.

Tourists are always amazed: They have movies in Jerusalem???? Yes we do. The King’s Castle has everything. Shouldn’t the King’s Palace have it all? So, the movies might be movies about religious Jews. But they are movies and people go, if they haven’t learned how to burn them onto a hard-drive yet.

The Israeli government always looks so bad; they are always trying to be ‘moral’ when dealing with the world and especially militarily, while they just make Israel look worse. We already look bad with the disgustingly shiny designs on the shirts here. Call it what it is, ‘They shot at us…That is why we shot back.’ That my friend is Hasbara. Israel is the greatest chance we are given to make it all good. To make the world good.
Here is Hasbara, ‘We are Israel, we kick butt. We protect our citizens.’ That should be a decent thing to say. Oh, don’t boycott Israel, or you won’t be able to use your medicine or computer?! No. Hit them where it hurts. I will say it again. We have shkeidei marak (soup nuts- Israeli style). That is the greatest Israeli technological advance. We found a way to put something edible in water for 25 hours, that will not become soggy. That is right, ‘Boycott Israel and do not enjoy your soup.’ ‘Boycott Israel and do not get the free downloads.’ ‘Boycott Israel and we will shoot you.’

Israelis all seem angry because they cannot smile anymore. There have been too many tourists and people of the Middle East are not used to smiling. It is hurting the people. The mortality rate of people at the shuk has went up 300% because of too many smiling tourists. They cannot see any more happy people. The Middle East breed has revolutionized itself to a brand of people that do not smile, due to centuries of poor dental hygiene.

Have you ever seen a Middle Eastern person smile? It is a scene from National Geographic.

I have seen too many annoying immigrants, and especially tourists, who think they know what is better. ‘Smile for the camera.’ The guy can have a heart attack from the blood flow.

Worst off, the tourists share their opinions. It is better to have traffic lights. It is better to have set prices instead of haggling. It is better to have street signs that take you to the correct road, with numbers on homes that work. It is annoying hearing this stuff. It is like listening to myself give a lecture.

What do you tourists know? This is how the Middle East has run forever. The people of the Middle East believe very strongly in tradition, which is why we do not like civility or street signs that tell you where the place you are looking for, called Kibbutz Na’an is- because it exists and should be there, to show you it is there when you get there, instead of feeling like you are lost.

Israel is the land of miracles. The fact that they have streets is a miracle. Have you seen Arab villages and new settlements in Israel? Many of them are a driveway which branches off into paths. The mail for the whole town comes to one spot, as that is where the driveway begins. That is how the Middle East has always been. That is why each street in the developed cities has 15 or so names, because it used to be King George’s driveway and then it led into Strauss’ driveway which was right near Yechezkel’s driveway. All these people from other countries thinking they know what is better for Israel. Maybe they do. But do they know what Israel should do for peace?


Evolution would have people smiling.

I go off on the tourists a lot because they are lower than me on the Israeli totem-pole. They are the only people who I have a right to tell not to complain. That is how the cast system in Israel works. At the top, you can complain the most. That is why members of the Knesset are always complaining. They have been voted into the top of the totem-pole.

People voted for these people in to complain for them.

In Israel, American immigrants are the lowest on the pole, as we have no political clout and we are looked at as tourists- because they figure we are leaving, as most expats have. The percentage of Americans that have left after Aliyah is extremely hi, that the odds are better for a marriage to work out.

I married Israel. I took the plunge and made Aliyah, so that like any good marriage partner, I can talk about the values I want and put down the people I am in a relationship with. I have the right to complain by association.

You are in Israel Mr. & Miss Hasbara. Enjoy the free trips and stop pretending like you are learning anything that is not on Wikipedia.

I am a little bitter about not having that free stuff. So I don’t get to travel for free, because I am not from America anymore and I do not have the money to travel for free. Even so, I do have the free downloads and I recently shaved off twenty minutes from the wait at the supermarket by sneaking into the ’10 items or less line’ while not looking at anybody in the eyes.

The point is that we need the tourist money.

About the Author
David Kilimnick: Jerusalem's Comedian performs at his Off The Wall Comedy Basement- Jerusalem's first comedy club, every Thursday in English and every Wednesday in Hebrew, in downtown Jerusalem. David may also be contacted to perform for tour groups in Israel & Synagogue fundraisers around the world, and for your private parties. Contact: 972(50)875-5688 David Kilimnick, dubbed Israel's father of Anglo comedy by the Jerusalem Post, is leading the new pack of English-speaking stand-up comics in Israel . At his Off the Wall Comedy Basement club in Jerusalem (the first of its kind), Kilimnick has been offering up penetrating observations of life in his turbulent adopted country. Tourists and native Israelis alike have been flocking to his cozy, intimate club and raving about his unique ability to transform the daily chaos and aggravation of Israeli life into an evening full of laughter. Kilimnick's material covers the rocky transition from his "New York Cocoon" to his new life as an "Oleh Chadash" or Israeli newcomer. Still single, Kilimnick touches on his religious upbringing, his rabbinic insights, the injustices of Jewish grammar school and Jewish summer camp, and the looks he gets from his Jewish mother because he isn't married yet. Meanwhile, Kilimnick's universal humor takes you on a tour of funny through the Holy Land. Incorporating routines from his shows 'The Aliyah Monologues Classic 1 & 2','Find Me A Wife,' 'Frum From Birth: Religious Manifesto', his music show 'Avtala Band' & more, David Kilimnick justifies his Aliyah (move to Israel), while taking you through the reality of life as a single immigrant, Israel experiences, holidays & family left behind. You are sure to walk away entertained, enlightened, or with David. David has recently appeared on "Bip" Israel's comedy network, צחוק מעבודב and has been hailed by the tough Israeli media as a rising star who possesses Seinfeldian charm when he takes to the stage.
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