Aliyah Manifesto: Jerusalem tour- Nachlaot

A residential area in the city center. We should skip it. But there are shules there.

The Bus Stop- You will notice people running after the bus. The bus slows down at the stop and then moves faster. That is why those people are screaming, ‘Nahag.’ Nahag is a Hebrew word for any problems dealing with a bus.

You will notice how there is no sidewalk in front of the bus stop for pedestrians, as the people waiting for the bus have decided that that piece of sidewalk is theirs. Walk in front of the people that are in front of the stop, on the street. Do not worry about cars running you over, it is the Holy City.

The cab passing the bus stop is beeping the people because they are waiting at the bus stop, for a bus, which is 50nis less than the cab.
The Jerusalem train is passing right now, on the Jaffa Side of the Shuk.

The Jerusalem train was built in order to stop the buses from running their routes. The Jerusalem Light Rail is a transport train, used for transporting people from their bus to their bus. You will notice the lady that got off the 37 bus a few minutes ago. Wait…now she is getting back on the 37 bus on the other side of the street.

Yes, that bus driver is angry. And yes, that man’s foot is being dragged against the street gravel. What an experience. Now we can move away from the bus stop. On your own time, you might want to spend a few minutes on a bus, to see how a society can be successful and thrive when people show no concern for one another.

To quote Wikipedia, ‘Neighborhoods in Nachlaot (plural of nachala, lit. “homestead”) include Mishkenot Yisrael, Ohel Moshe, Mazkeret Moshe, Zichron Yosef, Sukkat Shalom, Zichron Yaakov, Shevet Ahim and Nahalat Ahim.’ Now that you will not remember the names of these 15 home neighborhoods, and you also know that you can get better tourist information from Wikipedia, we will call it Nachlaot. Mishkenot Yisrael, was the first neighborhood, established in the late 1800s, to get Jews of out of the Old City. The thought was that the Old City was too crowded. As you will see, this method of building neighborhoods outside of the Old City, has not helped.

Located just south of the Shuk, the people of the Nachalot neighborhood purchase fresh daily produce and perishables as they do not own standard sized fridges. If you do not like to work, and feel it is an important aspect of Jewish tradition to do drugs, then this is where you want to be. Many of the new immigrants to this area are like hippies. A new style of hippies, who do not care about other people. They have adopted the no working aspect of the Tent Protests from a few years ago.

Showering in Nachlaot is optional. To your left, you will notice a young lady, wearing her bed sheet. Yes, that is a compost in her hair. If you listen to her conversation, you can hear, ‘I do not want to go shopping…My sheet. I will wrap that for today. The towel can stay on the head…cover up the compost they put in my hair…Lets go to the shuk and see if we can make money.’

Most people don’t have jobs and the one bedroom homes go for $400,000. No illegal activity takes place. All of the people living in these 30 square meter $400,000 homes purchased them with money that was reported.

Many of the folk of Nachlaot are for a healthy way of life, and thus chose to spend a lot more on their vegetables. Vegetarian is a way of life for many in Nachlaot. I did not enjoy my last vegetarian meal. However, I did realize you can make a lot of different dishes out of quinoa.

I do not know how many different dishes you can make out of quinua. When I went to a meal, they made them all. These people were having some kind of quinoa competition. They had quinoa potatoes, quinoa steak, quinoa quinoa. I did not know that portobello mushroom is a steak. Apparently it is? It was almost as good as the spinach steak I had a few days before.

To note, the people of Nachlaot are a mix of modern and ancient. In their own way, they are for the most part religious. To this, you can walk down the allies and streets of Nachlaot and hear many Shlomo Carlebach songs being song to the Friday night prayer service. Beautiful and heartfelt in their melodies, these services are known in many circles as Happy Minyans. And they are a very happy experience for many, until the second hour of singing ‘nay nay nay’ to the same tune that had words an hour ago. You can also get the full experience of bopping up and down to the songs. At which point, the people waiting to go to their Friday night dinner get angry. If you are lucky, somebody might take your shoulder and start a forward and backward dance, maybe even leading to a circle.

Sometimes you have to meet the people of the neighborhoods to really get to know a city, and I know Jerusalem. At dinner, these religious vegetarians went on to educate me that according to the Rambam, when the Messiah comes, we are all going to be vegetarian. Since that vegetarian dinner experience in Nachlaot, which you should all have, I have stopped praying for the redemption.

You ask how they are able to afford the health food and the drugs? Miracles do happen in these parts. Some miracles are also known as successful parents.

Throughout all the neighborhoods, check out the street signs and you will notice all the different names and the years they lived. If you know enough about street signs, you will know the history of Israel and Jerusalem. I do not read the street signs.

You will also now notice the five different names for the same street. They had to give a street for each person who lived. This way, it makes it more exciting, as you will not be able to find your way. They could not put up a plaque, as that would call for a donation.

Look, up, the name just changed.

The signage was made as such, to make it more complicated to give directions. You will also notice that the street just changed into a one-way street for that block.

Now we cross over Betzalel Street, to the other part of Nachlaot. Here you can see some roads and even some homes with three bedrooms and more. Now that we have seen where the Americans with money began to migrate to, in the Rechavia area (connected to nachlaot), we can move on. Why are we moving so fast? Isn’t there stuff to see here?

No. Deli is still better in America.

We are now going to see some homes made out of Jerusalem Stone.

Who would know Nachlaot without Gan Sacher? Not me. Located just West of the Nachlaot neighborhood, is the Central Park of Jerusalem. As it covers a good city block, this huge park hosts a myriad of daily events.

You can see the children and dogs running around, skateboards and football players, and guys showering in the fountain. Gan Sacher Great place to see a non-gentrified park set up.

On a summer Saturday afternoon take a stroll through Gan Sacher, and see all of the Jeursalem residents who do not have air-conditioning. A great place to see families and random single people trying to avoid dogs, you can see people doing acrobatics, like balancing your back on somebody’s feet. The goal of this acrobatic move is to meet ladies. You can also see grownups doing hula hoop.

If you see the name Gan Sacher change to something else, in the middle of Gan Sacher, that is only because there was another Jewish family around who had money and also needed some kind of honor.

About the Author
David Kilimnick: Jerusalem's Comedian performs at his Off The Wall Comedy Basement- Jerusalem's first comedy club, every Thursday in English and every Wednesday in Hebrew, in downtown Jerusalem. David may also be contacted to perform for tour groups in Israel & Synagogue fundraisers around the world, and for your private parties. Contact: 972(50)875-5688 David Kilimnick, dubbed Israel's father of Anglo comedy by the Jerusalem Post, is leading the new pack of English-speaking stand-up comics in Israel . At his Off the Wall Comedy Basement club in Jerusalem (the first of its kind), Kilimnick has been offering up penetrating observations of life in his turbulent adopted country. Tourists and native Israelis alike have been flocking to his cozy, intimate club and raving about his unique ability to transform the daily chaos and aggravation of Israeli life into an evening full of laughter. Kilimnick's material covers the rocky transition from his "New York Cocoon" to his new life as an "Oleh Chadash" or Israeli newcomer. Still single, Kilimnick touches on his religious upbringing, his rabbinic insights, the injustices of Jewish grammar school and Jewish summer camp, and the looks he gets from his Jewish mother because he isn't married yet. Meanwhile, Kilimnick's universal humor takes you on a tour of funny through the Holy Land. Incorporating routines from his shows 'The Aliyah Monologues Classic 1 & 2','Find Me A Wife,' 'Frum From Birth: Religious Manifesto', his music show 'Avtala Band' & more, David Kilimnick justifies his Aliyah (move to Israel), while taking you through the reality of life as a single immigrant, Israel experiences, holidays & family left behind. You are sure to walk away entertained, enlightened, or with David. David has recently appeared on "Bip" Israel's comedy network, צחוק מעבודב and has been hailed by the tough Israeli media as a rising star who possesses Seinfeldian charm when he takes to the stage.
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