Aliyah Manifesto: Practical Guide for Beating the System

The rule is Fight Back:
-Stiff Arm to keep your place on the bus Q- You will have to claim your place on line at the bus stop. There are different techniques used by Israelis. Some do the side cut, jumping right in front of you when you are about to enter the bus. Some do the pre-cut, which is done when on line, as there was no line to begin with- as you just saw people waiting in an order which was not organized. Knowing that you will not say anything, due to the discomfort of confronting them, this technique always works for them. Others do the intentional attention draw, where they draw your attention to an older person, or somebody in a wheelchair; causing you to think about helping and thus losing your place in line.
Lesson learned. Never help. If you want to keep your spot you must be not help people in need. Physical contact may come in handy. Which is why I suggest taking Krav Maga. I do hope this is helping you with your acclimation and hatred of people. Now, once you are near the door of the bus, or any major political organization, such as the Ministry of Interior, Municipality, or any other organization that enjoys making you wait for hours, while hopefully causing internal citizen disputes, you must use the stiff arm.
To stiff arm, you grab the side of the doorway and hold it very strong. This ensures your place on line. Keep in mind that some native Israelis may be short, so keep it fairly low. Not too low, so that the tall ones can step over your arm. Low enough. A diagram would be helpful. It is not a sure fire technique, as they may duck under your arm, even if they are tall. I have had 70 year old members of Knesset duck under my arms. Hence, it is important to also keep your leg out too. Keep your leg moving as a decoy.
You can also use the Israeli cut techniques mentioned above.
-Do not look- This is how you take your place on line at the post office and organizations that have numbers for you to take. Yes, many people stick with the number system, but you do not have to. The way to play this is to be oblivious. Use your Oleh card, ‘I do not read numbers.’ They’ll believe you. Many of the old timer Israelis use the grandfather clause of ‘When I was coming to the post office 20 years ago, we had no numbers. Numbers didn’t exist.’ Learn from them. Use their technique of the ‘I didn’t know. Hence, I cut everybody that was here before me…I knew they were hear, but I was not sure they were waiting, so I didn’t ask and I went strait to the teller.’ But the key is to not look at anybody. If you acknowledge the existence of other people, they might notice. You do not want to risk feeling uncomfortable when you are cutting off other people and making them wait, consciously, and possibly even embarrassed as a human being of no virtue or self worth.
-Elbows are another technique used, which you should adopt. The same rule holds true, do not look and it is not uncomfortable. Just elbow and move on.
-Best tactic used and undisputed. I give you this piece of wisdom as a beyond acclimation tool, which will catapult you into the winners seat in your new society. Find the ticket of somebody who left, or didn’t turn it in to the receptionist. Oh yes, this works. Dig, crawl on the floor. Slip your new number for an old number, magic style. You show up and pick up 893 for tomorrow, and now you are 386 for today. They don’t know. You can use the ‘I have just been walking around for a minute.’ They always believe it. Say it in English and most of them won’t understand. Winner!!! Just like Charlie Sheen, You are a winner. I used this one when trying out for Kochav Nolad (the Israeli version of American Idol). I didn’t win, but I got out of the tryouts early and I was a winner.
-My friend Cindy Uziel Aboud has shared the most important follow up tactic for the ministry of interior, post office and banks, for when you get to the teller. You give them sucking candies. For that little bit of stickiness they will help you with your alibi. You must also compliment their pictures of the kids, dogs or street cats. For a little sweet and photo credit, you have been there for 3 hours.

These techniques of not looking and cutting work for all scenarios, the shuk, the makolet, in line at the grocery, not paying when you should be, voting for who you want and not being ashamed, walking wherever you want on a sidewalk (as my dad taught me that if you look up and do not look at them, even the nastiest sidewalk bully will move aside).

As seen, being a fryer and the winner or loser all comes down to lines. The fryer mentality has been diminishing over the past few years, thank you to some new methods of living, such as the ticket system and technology. I still haven’t figured out how to cut the line on the call in service center. But I will figure that out soon, as I am an Oleh who is here to share in the winnings.
The fact that the local folk are becoming more laxed and complacent with their place on line, allows you to not be the fryer. As the new immigrant, you can cause hatred of Olim.

I share this all with you, because I care. As an Oleh, I cannot go on without passing on my wisdom with you, my future redeemed people. I speak to you and on your behalf, from love.

-That is why I share with you the next golden Aliyah rule. Shop in America.
The Chinese make different ‘made in China’ clothes and spinning wheels in Israel. They are not the same made in China products they make in America. The difference is the Chinese clothes sold in America fit. The large is a large, a small is not way too small, and my size fits.
I am broke. I will tell you why. Here we go. Everything is cheaper in America. Falafel is cheaper in America. Osem is cheaper in America. This doesn’t even make sense. Osem is an Israeli product. It should be cheaper were they make it. By the time it gets to America, the price has dropped. Why doesn’t it work like that with Entenmann’s? Which when it comes to Israel, becomes more expensive. It dawned on me that this was an issue when I started thinking that for a business, I should ship Bamba into Israel. Israelis love the peanut-butter puffs they make in Israel.
The point is buy in America. Fly to America, pick up your IPad and save $25, before the sale.
Smuggle your electronics, clothes and Israeli made falafel bits into Israel. Don’t complain about the one suitcase limit. You don’t have room? Don’t travel with clothes. Buy all your clothes when you get off the plane. They also sell undergarments in America. The land of the home & the free & underwear with a flap slit thingy. Don’t bring clothes. Buy them in the US. I didn’t say Canada. Canadians still haven’t figured out that people like to purchase stuff at a discount, even if they are goyim. Your whole country, my Canadian friends is not there on Sunday. Where did they go? To the mall, in America. The only reason why Canada doesn’t get attacked is because nobody would be able to afford to shop after they got there. Point being, fill your suitcase up. Fill it. And get used to saying, ‘I did not pick up anything.’ They like to hear that in customs. ‘I picked up the socks in Israel and brought them with me, so that I can bring them back to Israel.’ Is that hard to say? Lie. If lying saves you $400 a pair of Jeans, it is allowed. Also, spend the $50 on an extra bag. You are saving a thousand dollars on a new wardrobe, which will make you look like you made Aliyah two weeks ago.
The point is to not support the Israeli economy.
And they call Jews cheap. It is important to teach these stereotypes to the native Israeli, who has definitely not learned about them yet. It would be good if they followed the stereotypes of our people that the world has hated us for, for millennium. What good is Israel if I cannot get a deal? Why did we move here? If stuff isn’t cheap, what are Jews doing?
If for no other reason, when you shop in America, you do not have to get an anxiety attack of fear that the person at the store will start yelling at you and giving you attitude for shopping by them. In the US, you will not have the fear that you did not bargain well to get the lowest price, as it is marked and there is Walmart.
Disclaimer: I have never smuggled anything in from America. Everything that has been smuggled in has been from friends and family. They are the guilty parties.
The method: Shop in America>Smuggle>Lie to customs if they catch you. The key to getting by Israeli customs without having to lie, is looking American; better yet Canadian. Put on the baseball hat if you are a guy and walk through. It is the same method for getting past security. Always remember, ‘Shalom’ in that American accent is Israeli kryptonite.

I learned some methods to get by, but things still don’t make sense to me. I cannot accept the fryer mentality. Gehenim, they are still sending me bills in Hebrew. They have sooo many American olim, they should have already figured out that we do not try to learn other languages. The way I see it is if I do not understand it, I am not liable. The bank sees it differently. The government sees it differently too. My landlord, what does he know? He had me sign a contract in Hebrew. I am not liable to that. I heard that it might hold up in a Hebrew speaking court room, but I wouldn’t understand the case anyways.
Yes, even in my Practical Guide for helping others, I complain.

This is the longest section of the book. Why? You ask? You idiot? Because this is what it is all about. You are an immigrant, starting all over. I remember when it happened. I had the choice. I can stay in Israel and be an Oleh Chadash, or I can go back to America and have a job, a family and friends who I love, am close to and care about me. I made the right decision. I live in Israel. I do not have to buy gifts.
And all us new immigrants do is complain. We have it great. I respect the old timers. The olim that made Aliyah before they were being scammed into it. The old olim moved here, didn’t have homes. They slept in sand. The fortunate ones in the 1980s dug ditches and slept in them. On kibbutzim they would sleep in the ditch together; 20 families. That was settling the land. They would travel by walking. Meetings in Tel Aviv, coming in from Haifa, two day start, might be there on time at 3pm. Those are the real settlers, not the ones that come here and expect jobs, like all the nowadays olim. All complaining about their containers not being big enough. The ships the old timers sent their lifts on still haven’t made it. The old timers were tough and that is what you need to be an Oleh. Tough means being able to live without needs. Complaining; yes, the old time olim complained, but the needs were different. They used to protest, ‘We have no food today, we are going to die.’ The protest of the new oleh, ‘I am going to die, the air-conditioning is only in the living room,’ doesn’t have the same meaning to me. ‘How can I live in this new country? My oven, it is not a Viking. What shall I do?’ Buy a tiny oven that fits into your 20 by 20 foot apartment, and sweat, and be an Israeli.
If you are so worried about your lift coming in, smuggle the Viking on your next flight into Israel. Because that is what the old time, real olim did. They would carry an oven, fridge and bed into Israel, on their Aliyah flight.

I have given you some advice, now let’s get into the nitty-gritty. And always remember, if you are selling something to somebody who does not want or know what you are selling, it is ethical to charge as much as you can get from them. And never feel bad about overcharging by thousands of dollars, as it is not thievery unless you take it from them with physical force.

About the Author
David Kilimnick: Jerusalem's Comedian performs at his Off The Wall Comedy Basement- Jerusalem's first comedy club, every Thursday in English and every Wednesday in Hebrew, in downtown Jerusalem. David may also be contacted to perform for tour groups in Israel & Synagogue fundraisers around the world, and for your private parties. Contact: 972(50)875-5688 David Kilimnick, dubbed Israel's father of Anglo comedy by the Jerusalem Post, is leading the new pack of English-speaking stand-up comics in Israel . At his Off the Wall Comedy Basement club in Jerusalem (the first of its kind), Kilimnick has been offering up penetrating observations of life in his turbulent adopted country. Tourists and native Israelis alike have been flocking to his cozy, intimate club and raving about his unique ability to transform the daily chaos and aggravation of Israeli life into an evening full of laughter. Kilimnick's material covers the rocky transition from his "New York Cocoon" to his new life as an "Oleh Chadash" or Israeli newcomer. Still single, Kilimnick touches on his religious upbringing, his rabbinic insights, the injustices of Jewish grammar school and Jewish summer camp, and the looks he gets from his Jewish mother because he isn't married yet. Meanwhile, Kilimnick's universal humor takes you on a tour of funny through the Holy Land. Incorporating routines from his shows 'The Aliyah Monologues Classic 1 & 2','Find Me A Wife,' 'Frum From Birth: Religious Manifesto', his music show 'Avtala Band' & more, David Kilimnick justifies his Aliyah (move to Israel), while taking you through the reality of life as a single immigrant, Israel experiences, holidays & family left behind. You are sure to walk away entertained, enlightened, or with David. David has recently appeared on "Bip" Israel's comedy network, צחוק מעבודב and has been hailed by the tough Israeli media as a rising star who possesses Seinfeldian charm when he takes to the stage.