Are You Sitting Comfortably?

Are you sitting comfortably? Then I’ll begin.

I had had a busy morning. My car had not been running smoothly the last few days so I did a quick overhaul in my garage that serves as a workshop. Many years of car ownership, starting as a penniless student in the days before the Japanese took over the market, had made me a skilled mechanic.

The kitchen tap was dripping. Luckily, I had a spare. I turned off the main tap and, while waiting for the pipes to empty, re-painted the front door which was, like me, beginning to show its age.

Of course, my main interest is electronics. I am working on an old radio set. Just for fun, I don’t really need it, but it has sentimental value. I remember sitting by this radio listening to Michael Elkins reporting Israel’s destruction of Arab air forces on the first day of the Six-Day War, back in 1967.

But then, I met my match. I had bought a new toilet seat a couple of weeks ago and it had been sitting, reproachfully, by the toilet door ever since.

How difficult could it be to fit a toilet seat? Admittedly, this was the luxury version that closes quietly and discreetly. It does not go bump in the night. But it’s still just a toilet seat, one of the last things in my house without an internet connection, although I’m sure that’s coming.

The instructions were clear – Fit the seat to the toilet. A little more detail might have helped; I would have to do this by the seat of my pants.

Getting a little frustrated, I contemplated a complaint to the seat of government. Amongst all the sitting members, there must be a Department of Toilet Seats. Perhaps Winston Churchill’s old office, clearly marked WC, is still there.

And out of curiosity, just as I was about to submit my blog, I Googled Internet-connected Toilet. I got 63,800,000 results. It seems that the Smart Toilet is not a thing of the future; it is already here. Your Smart Toilet will make lifestyle suggestions. In fact, the Smart Toilet can ………  Perhaps the details are not suitable for a family newspaper. If you are interested you can look it up yourself.

And, sadly, some 3.6 billion people, that’s nearly half the world’s population, have no access to any toilet, smart or not.

Some really old readers might recognize this blog’s title, taken from Listen with Mother, a BBC radio programme for children from the 1950s.