Ask Avigail: Cawfee

Dear Avigail,
I need a little oomph in my life. I am embarrassed because I am only 20, and I’m bald. I should count my blessings because I was born an Egyptian; but then again, I’m a woman. Egyptian guys would die to have my problem; they wouldn’t unharness their camel bag, without tucking a pair of tweezers discreetly next to the humus container, even for a short trip. They bask in that clean shaven look; their ponytail acts as a fly swatter. Getting back to my problem – are there any potions or cures for my problem????
Yvonne

Dear Yvonne,
Indeed I do! From a little brown bean, we get a magic elixir called CAWFEE. Deep in the lustrous jungles of Africa (don’t try it without a GPS), an indigenous tribe knew about the magical and medicinal qualities of this bean. Their leader could see way into the future, and prophesized that a great leader would rule the nations through terrible, chaotic times. His genetic DNA would be inextricably joined with the name of this primitive legume – CAWFEE ANON. In no time, I guarantee you will be mistaken for a Persian Chia Pet.
Avigail

Dear Avigail,
This sounds very promising, but is it safe? Has it been tested on animals?
Yvonne

Dear Yvonne,
I have heard people flippantly swear they are “cawfee addicts.” But frankly, Yvonne, when was the last time you saw a 12 STEP PROGRAM advertisement pasted on any Luxor pyramid?

If you want to know more facts, cawfee is an internationally known stimulant. You say, Yvonne, you have no oomph. If you travel in an Eastern direction, you will come to a place where women wear red dots on their foreheads. What does this mean? What does it symbolize? It means: “the coffeemaker is brewing.” Take note. The average Indian woman’s hair reaches the end of her back; on par with the Bovine Deity’s tail to which she worships.

And way, way south to almost the end of the world lies a mystical tribe called the Aborigines. Their ancestors are called the Aboriginals. They believe their dreams are the “real world”; and, the day world is their dream life, their reality. In my opinion, they have made the right decision, as you don’t pay taxes or mortgage payments in their waking world. Whatever, they use the cawfee bean to diagnose and cure!!!

The ceremony starts off with the High Priest, or Shaman, covering his face with a white paste called “melanin-challenged #1.” It creates a scary, skeletal “Cher” look. Then, the Shaman lifts up a long, wood, wind instrument and starts to drag it through the dunes, to the spot where the sick person lies. The dirigedoo is very heavy through the sandy terrain. The Shaman inhales deeply, and tries to blow an eerie, sustained note. He bears down on his diaphragm. He once tried to bear down on his IUD, but his voice sounded tinny. Suddenly, the Shaman falls to the ground and clutches at his groin and inner thigh. A nearby Shaman In Training (a SHIT) cups his hand and bears down on the sore spot. He closes his eyes and says: “CAWF” “AGAIN, CAWF” “ONE MORE TIME, CAWF” By this time, the old Shaman was convulsing with pain. Then, the young Shaman fills a gourd full of cawfee beans and shakes it over the painful spot. “OK, ONE MORE TIME WITH FEELING.” The young Shaman takes the gourd o beans and shakes out a percussion rendition to the legendary Yma Sumac, a mysterious rumba dancer, who did shady nightclubs and Kasbahs along the Nile for the original Pharaoh.

The ailing Shaman jumped to his feet, grabbed the heavy horn and belted out a number that made his hernia return from hiatus! He also immediately noticed a strange undergrowth of hair, springing forth from his toga, not unlike a jackass’s tail…THE POWER OF CA.
Avigail

Dear Avigail,
Awesome, but is it kosher?
Yvonne

Dear Yvonne,
Show me the commandment that says, “THOU SHALT NOT DRINK COFFEE.”
Yours,
Avigail

About the Author
Shashi Ishai is a former stand-up/cartoonist from Teaneck, N.J. She resides in Netanya with her husband, Yacov; daughter, Zehava; son Zaki and dog, Stanley .Shashi is the author of ASK AVIGAIL: Advice from a Biblical Era Sagette, available on Amazon.
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