Ask Devora: Keeping your pants on in this heat

I would like to welcome all of my dear readers, to the inauguration of a new column I will be writing called “Ask Devora.”

Are there things you want to talk about but can’t?

Do you want the perspective of someone who is able to think outside the box (I can never think when I am in a box)?

You can ask me questions about

• life
• love
• fluff between your toes
• cleaning dust from your screens and fans
• exercise
• personal maintenance
• places to find specific services in Israel
• religion
• God
• kids
• And all the rest

So let’s get to my first two questions.

Am I crazy or just different, Mom?

Dear Devora,

What is Devora Mason smoking and can we have some?

Sincerely,

Dopeless

Ok. So let me be very clear. I am not high, crazy (certifiably), or unaware of my surroundings (ouch! A pole!).

I cannot share with you oh so witty folks any of the “stuff” I am smoking, because I don’t have anything to share. I can share with you my love for life and the little things in it. By creating for yourself a utopia you can bounce around through life like I do.

Now if you want to be the Energizer bunny, like I am, then just go out there and exercise! You think that you are too tired to exercise? Well, you are wrong because exercise is what gives me the energy to just keep going, and going, and going…

Sorry, guys! Get your own weed!

The Energizer Bunny

xoxo Devora

Hotter than hell! How would you know?

Dear Devora,

How are normal people (who don’t find it prudent to walk the streets wearing nothing but underpants) supposed to cope with this heat? Seriously. I got 60 pages worth of seminary papers to finish and my mind is a half-boiled egg. Please help me, doc.

Ashamed to be pantless.

Dear Ashamed to be Pantless,

When at home, you can walk around as freely and as minimally clothed as you like. I know this to be true because my friend’s neighbor does this all the time and they haven’t been arrested yet (that is how you know if something is legal in Israel).

When wearing a minimal amount of clothing, make sure not to deal with hot pots or pans and do not, under any circumstance, sit on a leather couch in this heat. I refuse to take responsibility for what happens when you stand up.

When you leave the house, carry with you a cloth napkin for wiping the sweat off your brow. It is very impolite to drip sweat on people. Also take a folding fan and maybe even an umbrella to protect your lily white Ashkenazic skin from the glaring rays of the sun, which were not meant for your physical attributes.

Regarding the paper you need to write, just pay someone already!

And well, I can’t do anything for your mind.

xoxo Devora

Send your questions to me at

devora.mason@gmail.com