Assad Calling Obama

The operator at the White House rings the Oval Office. President Obama answers.

Obama “Yes Vanilla”

Vanilla “May I speak to Ms. Jarrett Mr. President?”

Valerie gets on the phone.

Valerie “Yes?”

Vanilla “I have President Assad of Syria on the line. He wants to talk to the President. Shall I get permission from the First Lady first?”

Valerie “Leave it to me Vanilla. Patch him through”.

She tells Obama Assad is on the line.

Obama “This is Barack Obama”

Assad, frantically “Mr. President, greetings from my bunker in Damascus. I made a terrible mistake Mr. President. I want to deliver myself to Guantanamo for crimes against humanity. I killed so many people, so many women and children. I can’t live with myself anymore”. Assad breaks down crying.

Obama “I closed Guantanamo 3 years ago. Don’t you read the news? I made a promise to the American people, signed an Executive Order, and Guantanamo is history. I never lie to the American people”

Assad “But… but I heard otherwise”

Obama “What, you heard it on Fox News too? Those liars. In 2009, I delivered a speech in which I said, “If you want to keep Guantanamo, you can keep Guantanamo. Period. If you want to keep the terrorists in Guantanamo, you can keep the terrorists in Guantanamo. Period”. Those rascals at Fox News made it sound like I was talking about doctors and what’s not in Obamacare.”

Assad “OMG… those scoundrel Tea Partiers. Throw them all in Guantanamo Mr. President”

Obama “I would if I did not close it. Back to your problem. I can’t take delivery of you because I made a promise to Rouhani. He promised me if I keep you alive, Khamenei would call me. I have been waiting for that call for 3 months now. Have you heard from him?”

Assad “Khamenei? I talked to him yesterday. He said nothing about a call to you”

Obama “You what? In the name of Jeremiah Wright, why did you not tell me earlier? How did he sound? Did he say anything about me? I can’t wait to speak to him. I’m really desperate here man”

Assad “Mr. President, can we get back to the subject at hand? My private jet is fueled and ready to take off to Cuba”

Obama “Don’t you dare spoil it for me you dimwit. Stay home, keep doing whatever you do best, and do not call me again before Khamenei calls me”

Assad “Mr. President, please I need to repent for the crimes I committed. The media says I killed 120,000. It is far worse than that. You have to hear me”

Obama “Can you ask Khamenei when he is going to call me? Tell him I have great news for him about Israel he will be pleased to hear. No, no, don’t say that, it sounds like a Fidan, Tell him.. Tell him that I promise no woman’s voice will be heard by him when he calls, not Michelle’s, not Valerie’s, and not Vanilla’s”

Obama hears a gunshot sound at the other side of the line.