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Daniel G. Saunders

BBC Jews 24 (Purim Shpiel 5784)

CAUTION: dark humour.

Cut to BBC News 24 desk with Sally Autocutie, a slim blonde woman in a smart suit, sitting behind it.

SALLY: Hello, and welcome to BBC Jews 24, I mean News 24. I’m Sally Autocutie. Coming up tonight: more bad things Israel has done. First, we go to our International Correspondent, Jeremy Bovine, for the latest atrocity.

Cut to Jeremy Bovine, a bald man with a beard that gives him the look of a garden gnome who has lost his pointed hat. The caption below him reads, “Jeremy Bovine, International Jewish Conspiracy Correspondent.”

JEREMY: Yes, unbelievably, Israel has BLOWN UP A HOSPITAL here in Gaza.

SALLY: Did you say that Israel has BLOWN UP A HOSPITAL?

JEREMY: Yes, I said that Israel has BLOWN UP A HOSPITAL.

SALLY: Have we got footage of this BLOWN UP HOSPITAL THAT ISRAEL BLEW UP?

JEREMY: Yes, you can see the BLOWN UP HOSPITAL THAT ISRAEL BLEW UP right here.

Cut to a shot of a normal hospital, people walking in and out going about their business.

SALLY: And when was this footage taken?

JEREMY: It’s live. As you can see the hospital is just a huge smoking crater in the ground.

Cut back to hospital, everything still normal.

SALLY: Really? I can see people…

JEREMY: Yes, there must be hundreds, no, thousands, no, MILLIONS of dead people there.

SALLY (catching on): Horrendous. I understand that Israel says that the hospital is being used as a terrorist base.

JEREMY: Yes, that’s what they claim.

SALLY: They even displayed some objects that they say proves this.

JEREMY: Yes, if you look at this photo you can see some items, but it’s pretty tenuous.

A photo of a pile of Kalashnikov assault rifles, rocket-propelled grenades and land mines appears behind him.

SALLY: Are those assault rifles?

JEREMY: Yes, in a hospital of this size, those would typically be used for pest control. Rats can be a real problem, particularly in a war zone.

SALLY: And rocket-propelled grenades?

JEREMY: Well, those are for a pioneering cancer treatment.

SALLY: They treat cancer with grenades?

JERERMY: Only very aggressive tumours.

SALLY: I see. And what about allegations that the IDF found a tunnel network below the hospital where people had been chained to the wall?

JERERMY: This was a simple misunderstanding. It was a physiotherapy suite for patients with highly light-sensitive eyes who couldn’t bear daylight. Chained-to-the-wall-unable-to-move therapy is a very important type of physiotherapy nowadays.

SALLY: Worrying stuff. [Turning to face camera.] President Liden called a press conference about the Gaza War earlier today.

Cut to footage of an elderly, yet distinguished man standing behind a lectern decorated with the Seal of the United States.

LIDEN: At this difficult time, I want to tell the Israeli people that I stand fully behind them in their actions against the terrorists of Hamas. And I tell the Israeli people that they must stop committing war crimes against the Palestinian people, and that they should get rid of their Prime Minister. And I tell them that my support for Israel is unwavering and eternal, at least until I need the Muslim and woke votes.

Cut back to Sally and Jeremy.

SALLY: Was that statement confused and contradictory?

JEREMY: Honestly, for President Liden, it was shockingly coherent.

SALLY: I believe he said he would also be discussing the Middle East crisis with the British Prime Minister and the French President.

JEREMY: Well, sort of. What he actually said was that he would discuss it with Margaret Thatcher and Napoleon Bonaparte. He also hinted that there was more he wanted to say, but was unable to do so.

SALLY: Was that because of security reasons?

JEREMY: No, it was because he fell off the podium.

SALLY: Jeremy, I have to stop you there as we’re going live now to New York, where the United Nations Secretary General, Antonio Gutless, is making a statement.

Cut to Antonio Gutless, a short, fat man standing behind a United Nations lectern.

GUTLESS: As we know, great crimes were committed on 7 October. The Jewish people were hunted almost to extinction in the Holocaust and now face death again. They were a protected people for their own safety, but now I’m pleased to announce that it’s open season on Jews again! Jews may now be hunted freely and without risk of prosecution! Anywhere in the world!

Cut back to Sally.

SALLY: This news has been greeted with joy and jubilation in all the major Islamic cities: Tehran, Damascus, Doha, London.

Cut to protestors celebrating in London. In the background, a man with a sign reading, “HAMAS ARE TERRORISTS” is being beaten up by the police.

SALLY: And before we go to the sport, just a reminder that, even when there are two Adars, it’s only Purim once a year, but every other day belongs to Haman. And Hamas.

About the Author
Daniel Saunders is an office administrator, proofreader and copy editor living in London with his wife. He has a BA in Modern History from the University of Oxford and an MA in Library and Information Management.
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