Bibi, there’s a duck in our backyard

Mr. Prime Minister,

As someone who has a renowned reputation for identifying ducks , I recall you saying:

If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and quacks like a duck, then what is it? That’s right, it’s a duck – but this duck is a nuclear duck. And it’s time the world started calling a duck a duck.

So I find it strange you haven’t noticed the one in our backyard. Maybe you have been so preoccupied talking about the nuclear duck that you simply haven’t noticed the one out at the back, though it seems everyone else has.

Some are calling it an apartheid duck, but that can’t be true, right? Israel is not an apartheid state. Others call it the occupation duck, but that also can’t be true. There is no occupation — only administration of “disputed territory.” Yet others believe this is a lucky duck. One that lays golden eggs and that if you makes a pilgrimage to it, the Messiah might appear and the end of days shall be near.

The problem, Mr. Prime Minister, is that from years of over-feeding, indulgence, petting and pampering to its every need, this duck has become troublesome. It is now of enormous proportions, stomping around the garden, ripping up the trees, making loud, crude sounds, bullying and threatening all in sight and demanding a greater garden. Worse still, rather than lay golden eggs, it has reproduced mutant ducks: some have been known to sing odes to arch-terrorist Baruch Goldstein, in public. Others desecrate and burn down holy places. Some particularly dangerous mutants have engaged in assassination. The unbridled outrages in our back yard now shake the very foundations of our house and threaten to dismantle the vision that brought us here.

Here’s the thing. The duck is now emitting a terrible stench. So putrid is this odor that the entire neighborhood of nations is holding its nose and talking about it. Many are asking us politely to take care of this problem while others are threatening to take action. And while it’s true that there are other troublesome ducks in other houses, let’s remember that our duck is firstly and foremostly our problem.

A recent development of significance is that the stench was even noticed as far away as South Africa. As an expatriate South African myself I can tell you that we South Africans are very sensitive to rogue ducks. You may recall we had a duck problem so abominable that it was later labeled a crime against humanity. In any event, a very efficient treatment was found. It’s a kind of radiation therapy. All the members of the neighborhood of nations beam a ray on the duck known as BDS therapy. It’s dangerous and its outcome is never really known in advance. In the case of South Africa a strange and wonderful thing happened. After a few years, the duck simply vanished. And in its place emerged a rainbow-colored swan.

Recently South Africa sent you a warning simply suggesting than rather than induce full scale radiation therapy, you are a candidate for a small dose of B, to be taken orally, without D and S, as an appropriate first measure. We should be thanking them; not labeling them racist or anti-Semitic. They are, as you said at AIPAC, simply calling a duck a duck.

Mr. Prime Minister, you need to deal with the duck in the yard. It’s urgent. I wouldn’t risk BDS. You might find yourself with the kind of swan you did not wish for.