Bibi’s final speech to the nation

I had a dream the other night that the current Prime Minister of Israel —Mr. Benjamin Netanyahu, or Bibi, as he likes to be called—actually resigned and gave this speech to the nation:

Citizens of Israel,

I have some important news to share with you tonight. After careful consideration and discussion with my wonderful wife and very sensitive son, Yair—whom as you know has been banished to Miami but still continues to be deeply concerned about the fate of our country through his terrific tweeting —I have decided to accept responsibility and resign from my position as Prime Minister. As you probably know by now, I am no longer in my prime, and it is time for me to devote myself to my family and my personal affairs, including my trial, which has been nothing less than a witch hunt. (But don’t worry, I will prove my innocence in court since, as you know, I believe in the rule of law in our country.)

You probably are wondering why I have decided to resign. It is for one reason only: I have come to the belated conclusion that it would be best for the country if I do so at this time. I have always only concerned myself with the best interests of my country during all of these decades that I have been in politics and never worried about my personal gain, as you know.
(Although I must admit that I have enjoyed a lot of good champagne and cigars from time to time from some of my good friends.)

I have finally realized that most of the people in Israel (and beyond) don’t like my policies (or me) very much anymore, and therefore I have decided to yield to the will of the people. In fact, I have recently learned in a new poll (that was on an Israeli television station that I don’t usually watch), that about 70% of you want me to end the war in Gaza now and make a deal to bring home all of the remaining hostages, dead or alive. (My dear wife Sara recently told me that more are probably dead than I thought!)

I have become exhausted from this forever war, as some in the media here call it, as I know all of you are as well, and therefore I have decided to end all the useless killing of Palestinian women and children every day, which to my utter surprise, was not forcing Hamas to surrender. Also, it was bothering my conscience, which, as you know, always has dictated all my decisions, for the betterment of all the citizens of Israel.

In addition, I have finally realized that the renewal of the war, which I relaunched on March 18^th, mostly in order to bring back the Jewish Power party of Itamar Ben Gvir into my government (so as to pass the state budget and stay in power), is not accomplishing the goal of getting all the hostages home. I don’t know why it took me so long to figure this out, but the truth has suddenly dawned on me.

I know that my good friends and true patriots of Israel—Itamar and Betzalel and their followers—will be disappointed with me, but I have grown extremely tired of giving in to their constant pressure to continue this unnecessary war. In fact, I am sorry that I ever brought them into my coalition in the first place, since I have now experienced firsthand how dangerous and irresponsible they are and I have actually become quite self-conscious of the fact that I seem to be thinking and acting like them all the time. In fact, I am really tired of being pushed around by them, and look forward to not having to hang out with them every day anymore.

I am also exhausted from being schlepped on by the families of all the hostages and their friends and supporters every day and every night. They too have finally penetrated my conscience, which some of you believed that I had completely lost. I can no longer listen to their cries for the redemption of their loved ones. They have also penetrated my heart (which is still pumping, with the help of my pacemaker) since my heart and soul are with them, as everyone knows from my actions and my speeches during the last 18-19 months. I have never forgotten them, except a few times when I derailed agreements that could have rescued them.

Accordingly, with the announcement of my retirement, I hereby announce the end of the war and my agreement to sign a deal to bring all the hostages home immediately. I am hoping that this may bring some sense of sanity and normalcy to you, my fellow citizens, and I wish you success in rebuilding your disrupted or destroyed lives and the shattered economy of Israel in the not-too-distant future. If any of you need help with any mental health issues, feel free to contact my dear wife Sara, who, as you know, is an excellent psychologist. At the very least, she can offer you some champagne to help you relax.

Thank you for your love and support for me and my wonderful family all of these years. As you know, I have served my country and myself (is there a difference?) with love and devotion to all of you (except sometimes when I had to dive deeply into petty politics in order to survive politically). Even though I don’t know how the country will survive without me at the helm, I have finally decided to let other Likud stars, who are reliable and loveable as I was, such as Miri Regev, Minister of Ceremonies, or Haim Katz, Minister of Offense, or Yariv Levin, Minister of Injustice, or others whom I have trained to think and act like me to take over. Don’t worry–they will do everything they can to preserve the little bit that is left of Israeli democracy. After all, democracy is not the trend any more in the world—witness what is going on in the USA and Hungary, two of my favorite countries– and these sycophants are very trendy people who will lead Israel into a dystopian future, in the spirit of the times.

Also, I want you to know that you don’t need to worry about me in my retirement years. I will keep busy with my trial for many years, with the help of those cooperative judges, and I am thinking of taking up golf, so that I can play with my friend Donald in one of his golf courses in Florida or New Jersey on my upcoming trips to the USA. (I hope that they will still invite me to speak to a joint session of Congress as a private citizen. I am already at work on the graphics for my next presentation.) And if my luck runs out, or the judges really get down to work, I may ultimately go to prison, but I no longer worry about that. I heard the former PM Ehud Olmert did well there and I will also succeed there, as I have done everywhere in my life. Maybe I’ll even write another book as Mr. Olmert did. I am thinking of calling it “How I almost singlehandedly brought Israel to the abyss” or something clever like that. I hope you will like it.

Good night and good luck.

Note: following this announcement, millions of citizens all over Israel (and around the world) went into the streets to dance and sing and shed tears of unprecedented happiness. It was almost like celebrating Independence Day like in the good ol’ days.