Birthday wishes…

Dear_____________

Your voice mailbox was full, so you didn’t get to hear me sing happy birthday…

Sorry…your loss, not being there for my rendition of the song, especially one in your honor. That said, Millard advises me not to give up the day job. So maybe your not having to hear me sing is really your gain. Then again if we’re speaking of gain, in the weighted sense of the word (which we weren’t, but weight gain is always on my pandemic mind), then the gain is, definitely, mine.

Anyway, hubby and I hope you’re having a great day. I, for one, since I was the one calling, kind of like when I can leave a message on your voicemail so that you and I can have one-sided “conversations“ that you cannot disagree with…..or with which you cannot disagree…

Speaking of grammatical phrasing, punctuation, prepositions at the end of sentence, not to mention (but I will, because that idiom, “not to mention“, is completely idiotic, since I’m going to mention what I’m going to mention), if you also found diagramming sentences super cool when you were in school, then, you were probably a nerdess (a female nerd) like (as?) I was.

If the above, (in case you have no idea to which statement I’m referring, or which statement I’m referring to): grammatical phrasing, punctuation, prepositions at the end of sentences, diagramming sentences and, not to mention (but I will so why is that stupid idiom in the English language?), eating every two hours, describes your exciting times, during quarantine, as it does mine, you can disagree with the prepositional word placement, of the word, “with“, at the end of the third paragraph of this email.

You can also disagree with the following prepositional ending,, to this sentence (which you’re now reading), without any contradiction, from me, to you, back.

If you have any further disagreement, with any of the foregoing or for coming, forthwith, you can call or email your disagreement, in a one-sided voice mail or email, about which you can have the short term satisfaction of thinking you’ve had the last word.

However, when I answer, I will have the short term satisfaction of, ridiculously, believing that I am having the last word.

And, thus, we will both go around in circles, thinking of each of ourselves (not really, since there’s only one of ourselves, at a time) as a big wheel, without the other being able to disagree, until the other does.

As to why I might disagree with you (or myself, in a fit of humility), please read the sentence to follow:

Never ending a sentence with a preposition used to be a grammatical rule cast in stone (probably on cave walls). Modern grammar, which no one seems to study anymore, is now looser (or lost) about prepositions at the ends of sentences, going forward.

As for diagramming sentences?

To quote an eighth grader, with whom (please appreciate my use of whom, rather than the incorrect who) I spoke, recently, or, recently, spoke, (depending upon who[m?] your eighth grade grammar teacher was):

“Diagramming sentences??”, the eighth grade, Generation MTFODS (for: Missing The Fun Of Diagramming Sentences) quizzically, exclaimed!!

Then he added….

“Whats that!!??”

To which, I answer…..

Folks!! Please gather ‘round!! Don’t crowd now!! There’s plenty of my cure-all-grammar-elixir for everyone!!

But, before I sell it to ya, for the MOST A-MAY-ZING price of just two little cents….Yes, Folks, ya heard me right….just too little sense……

I’m here to tell ya that when that the lad doesn’t know his diagramming prepositional phases from being mesmerized by new fangled technology…. there’s going to be BIG, BIG, VERY BIG trouble, right here, in River City!!

But let your hearts be still!! Fear nothing!!! Because, I have that absolutely amazing “Good for what ails ya!” cure all prepositional tonic, I was just tellin’ ya about in the sentence…..above.

And, folks, you can get it right here for that amazing price….Yes, Folks, ya heard me, that AMAZING CURE ALL PRICE ….if you just….

…..that’s right, little ladies… that’s right, you fine gentlemen….if you just come into my fine traveling wagon, you can get it right now, right HERE!!

And then, you too will know how to write and speak like (as) an educated old timey eighth grader!!

All you have to do is….

incorrectly, prepositionally, speaking,

step….right…up…..

for a Happy Birthday…….here.

Love,

Audrey

About the Author
The author is a Common-Tater, which, when spoken aloud, is a very professional sounding title, for a Mrs. Potato Head. But from the spelling of the title, you can see that, when the author comments on life, she doesn’t ever take herself too seriously. Mrs. Potato Head...excuse, please......the author, as a Common-Tator, lives in the U.S. and has had various careers, in alternative lives, as a teacher, social worker, lawyer, serious and humorous radio show writer, producer, and performer. Currently she is a video humorist and a writer. Although, almost the age of an eleven year old dog (actually a bitch, but we won’t go there), she remains as active as a pup.
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