The most secret training courses are taking place in Israel. Never spoken openly and barely whispered about, these ‘courses’, sponsored by wealthy overseas benefactors, are by invitation only. Their purpose is to allow Israeli born citizens, known as Sabras, to travel the world covertly. On completion of the ‘course’ participants will have the knowledge, insight and ability to slip in and out of countries undetected as ‘Israelis’. Previous participants have cracked under the pressure. Some have even turned to G-d for salvation. But, for most, social enlightenment has been achieved. Never before has this ‘course’ been brought to the attention of the public. Now, after thirty years of secret meetings, coded correspondence and one fingered salutes, the syllabus has finally been leaked. The course includes:
1. Driving motorized vehicles
a. Outside of the Holy land, motorists cannot rely on the gift of prophecy. Therefore the course includes the correct usage of indicators for all types of motor vehicles.
b. Racing to a traffic circle in order to ‘win’ the ‘right of way’ is replaced with yielding to the flow of oncoming traffic.
c. All kinds of cellphones and communication devices are not to be used while driving.
2. Cellphone usage – limited public use of cellphones is covered over a two week period.
a. Setting ringtones to silent.
b. Not speaking louder than ten decibels in confined spaces.
c. Never conducting a public phone conversation on loud speaker.
3. Public transport etiquette
a. Allowing passengers to exit before entering.
b. Understanding the principle of one seat per person.
c. Allowing the person seated directly opposite to have ‘ample’ leg room.
d. Using electrical outlets without strangling other passengers with excess electric cable.
e. Revision of number 2 above (Cellphone usage).
4. Customer services – while overseas it may be necessary to find forms of employment. In cases where this involves coming into contact with customers, intensive training is given in the following areas:
a. Supermarkets – paying customers come before stacking shelves. b. Railway workers – only paying customers travel in reserved seating. This area is not for family members and friends of anyone who has ever been remotely connected to a railway worker. c. Lifeguards – how to pay more attention to weak swimmers and less attention to sun bronzed maidens.
5. Personal Space – not everywhere in the world is as friendly as Israel. Therefore, rules of personal space are a compulsory subject. a. Restaurants – there is no need to enter a near empty restaurant and sit at a table occupied by the only other patrons dining.
b. Beach – wherever possible, leave an empty space of at least five sunbeds in all directions of your seating area.
c. Pool – pool games are fun for everyone and women’s volley ball is most certainly an entertaining sport. However, this should only be performed away from the shallow area dedicated for small children.
6. Shouting in public – as a continuation of the ‘Personal Space’ syllabus, the section on shouting includes:
a. Learning the definition of shouting.
b. Never speaking to someone who is standing more than three feet away while people not participating in the conversation are close by. c. If neighbors three blocks away can hear your conversation, whether in person or on the telephone, the rule of shouting is being broken.
7. Matcot – the popular beach game is permitted in the following instances:
a. Other humans are more than 30 meters away in all directions. b. The ball is replaced with a ‘silent’ substitute.
8. Escalator travel
a. Standing on escalators is only permitted on the right side of the escalator.
b. Walking on escalators is limited to the left side of the escalator. c. Side by side escalator travel is strictly prohibited.
Please note – this syllabus is conducted by highly trained individuals and should not be attempted by anyone who has not proficiently completed the entire syllabus.