Chelm: 2024

Imagine Sholom Aleikhem writing this Chelm story.
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There was once a kingdom called Bibisrael. It wasn’t a true monarchy, but the present ruler led the country as if he were a real King.
Unfortunately, as with many other rulers who have almost unlimited power, he slowly started becoming paranoid that others were trying to dethrone him. However, because he was a very smart person he knew how to “take care” of these “princes” – and one by one, through the years, they had to leave the palace.

With no real opposition and growing power, the king slowly became corrupt – at first with the little things (lots of free champagne and cigars). However, later on, because of his growing paranoia about serious opponents, real or imagined, he tried to change the entire system to protect his hegemony. This included attempting to ensure that all means of communication would hew to his proclamations, by threatening some newspaper owners or convincing wealthy “friends” to purchase those media.

Unfortunately for the king, he didn’t control his kingdom’s system of justice; the head judicial vizier (a former ally) had the gall to publicly accuse the king of corruption and even bring him to trial! But the king was also wise in the ways of the justice system and managed to drag out his trials for many years – all the while continuing to rule his kingdom as if nothing was happening in the court of law.
During all this time the kingdom was beset by many challenges – chief of which were terrible enemies in the north and the south, and even some in the east. The king had an unusual strategy to ensure that they would not all together gang up to assault his country: he strengthened the enemy in the south to counterbalance the enemy in the east! His army heads warned him that the southern enemy was biding its time, strengthening itself for a major attack – but he brushed them off.
Why? Because he was too busy trying to weaken the same justice system that had put him on trial. This was one step too far for the public and they protested en masse for months at a time. The country was up in arms figuratively, which is partly why they missed the real arms…

With Bibisrael convulsed internally, the country’s southern enemy attacked his kingdom in brutal fashion, killing more than a thousand citizens and capturing several hundred as well. This laid bare the bankruptcy of the king’s previous strategy. Did he then finally relinquish power? Or even apologize to the public for his mistaken policy? Not at all! Instead, he accused all the security services of being the guilty parties for missing the intended attack.

But his people were very patriotic, and despite serious political differences they all dropped everything and went to fight for their homeland and the return of the hostages. The king, whose policymaking was always driven by “polls,” saw that his popularity was at its lowest ebb. It was clear to him that when the war ended he would be in dire straits politically. His strategy, once again, was extraordinary: as long as the war continued, no one would call for elections – so he announced that his kingdom would continue fighting until the enemy was totally vanquished. This was not something realistic – precisely what he wanted! As for a deal to release the hostages, here too his impossible demands undermined any decent chance for such an agreement.

Meanwhile, the king had another major headache: two important political partners in his government demanded that a law be passed explicitly releasing their supporters from serving in the kingdom’s army (they were serving the Kingdom of God). But some of the king’s government partners wouldn’t agree to this; after all, the army was stretched to the breaking point due to very lengthy reserve duty, a result of the king’s policy. What to do?

The king hit upon another unusual tactic: try to attract one of his most vociferous political antagonists back into the government, thereby guaranteeing enough votes to pass the anti-draft law! Forgetting (for the time being) that this opponent had previously left the king’s government and accused him of being unfit for office, at this stage political survival was preeminent in the king’s mind. The Hebrew press headlines, for once, reverted to a prior Yiddishism: CHUTZPAH!! Bibisrael soldiers are giving their life (and livelihoods) in the war – but their king is trying his best to enable Torah students to avoid army service??

Making this even more incredible is that the plan called for firing the kingdom’s Minister of Defense with his decades of professional security experience and replacing him with the opponent whose civilian regular army service did not include any military leadership or strategizing. In the middle of an ongoing war!!
As if all this wasn’t proof enough that the king was either tone deaf politically or susceptible to political blackmail (or both), a documentary film was shown overseas in which the king’s own son was seen telling police investigators that his father was a weak person who needed a push to do the right thing (or was that the Right thing?).

Even the kingdom’s eagle-eyed, best friend across the seas, publicly mused that this was madness, but to not much avail….
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At this point, Sholom Aleichem might well be wondering whether it was worth continuing the narrative. Would he bother to try and finish it, just for the “hell” of it? If he did, would he actually add it to his Chelm repertoire? Perhaps he would look into a crystal ball and substitute real names for the fictional characters? Or after due deliberation… throw it into his wastebasket as being too ridiculous, even for Chelm? We might never know how this ends – or will we?