Chelm R Us–Part I

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Chelm is an actual city in Poland.  Before WWII, it was home to a Jewish community and many brilliant scholars. But it lives eternally in Jewish folklore as the legendary city inhabited exclusively by fools who believe themselves wise.  I believe that, increasingly, we are living in a New Chelm Age.  But in these perilous times, the cost of being led by Chelm-like leaders is fraught. 

Some tales from old and new Chelm:

                                      ***

The elders of New Chelm once appointed an unlikely rabbi who, it turned out, was quite divisive.  While some folks approved of him because of his brash character, others thought that he was unworthy.  He was not well-educated, his style was antagonistic, and he was often offensive.  When his term concluded (attempts to remove him actually began earlier), opponents proposed their own candidate, who, while elderly and similarly unqualified, was moderate, inoffensive, and would reach out to the entire community.  That candidate was selected and began to serve.

Alas, the new rabbi, Joseph, was not moderate at all.  He took extreme positions and his expenditures were profligate.  He showed favoritism to his good-for-nothing son and other family members.  He tried to circumvent the bet din–court–in order to implement by decree some contentious, even dangerous, policies.  Worst of all, his faculties seemed to be diminishing rapidly and catastrophically.  He would lose his train of thought, mumble, forget where he was, and, in the middle of meetings, start wandering toward the forest.

His adherents were alarmed.  If this descent into senile dementia became widely apparent, the town would demand the return of the hated predecessor.  So the Elders met and considered various proposals:  Should they designate an acceptable successor?  Should they let the (very undistinguished) Assistant Rabbi take over?  Should they acknowledge the problem and seek consensus?

Then the ambitious Rebbetzin spoke:  “Here is the plan,” she said.  “We will shield him from outside contact, reducing his public exposure and appearances.  Each of us will swear that he has not lost any cognitive ability and that, in private, he is as sharp as ever.  We will persuade the press and influential people to testify to his intellectual acumen. And we will each continue to benefit personally.”

And so they did.  And it worked.  Until it didn’t.

  ***

Chelm was surrounded by mountains.  Indeed, one of the most famous stories about Chelm involves the episode when, to permit more construction, the men of the town decided to push one of the mountains some distance west.  This is not that story.  This story is about the dangerous mountain road that led into Chelm.  It was very steep and it had hairpin turns.  One especially dangerous turn, overlooking a valley, was the site of at least two or three accidents a week.  Not just minor accidents.  More times than not, the wagon would slide off the road and into the deep valley, occasioning serious injuries.

This required action.  The wise elders met and debated.  Perhaps they should post a speed limit? No, it would not be observed; everyone was always rushing. Perhaps a strong fence would keep the wagons from tumbling into the valley?  Too expensive. Perhaps a tunnel through the mountain?  Way too expensive.

And then, being the wise men of Chelm, they hit upon the answer, the inevitably brilliant solution that one would expect.

They would build a hospital in the valley.  Problem solved.

***

A number of cities in California (New Chelm), along with many other progressive locales, had a dilemma.  Children who had been born male had concluded that they were, in reality, female.  Medical authorities differed on appropriate treatment, but the more progressive view was to aggressively respond with puberty-blockers, hormones, and even surgery. While authorities in medicine and government debated and dithered, an immediate issue arose. Genetic boys who identified as girls were competing in girls’ athletic competitions and, owing to their physical and biological advantages, winning medal after medal.  Some boys who had been no better than mediocre in boys’ competition were breaking the girls’ records by wide margins on a regular basis as soon as they were permitted to compete.  Girls who had devoted countless hours to their sport became also-rans, their lifelong dreams shattered.

The wise Elders of California were consulted and solved the problem by enacting a law requiring everyone to call the boys girls.

***

The people of Chelm were not wealthy, but they were Jews.  So, of course, every synagogue had a pushke, a charity box, in which weekday worshippers could deposit a coin or two to be used for synagogue upkeep and to provide for the less fortunate.  Imagine the consternation when, one morning, the pushke was not in its usual place.  Stolen!  Who would do such a thing?  Undoubtedly a stranger who had sneaked into the shul at night.  Arrangements were instantly made to procure a substitute.  But now that the threat was known, new security arrangements were required.  Of course, the doors could not be locked because the itinerant poor sometimes needed a place to stay.

The Elders of Chelm were consulted and arrived at a typically brilliant solution.  They procured a tall ladder and attached the pushke to the wall a few inches from the ceiling, far beyond the reach of any aspiring thief.  The people were amazed and delighted.

But at services the next morning, at the juncture when people were accustomed to depositing their coins, they realized that the pushke was also beyond their own reach.   Denied the opportunity to do their small mitzvah, they stared at the pushke.  Then they stared at the Elders.

Reputations at stake, the Elders met on an emergency basis and emerged with another solution:  a stairway to the pushke would be installed.

There is no problem that is not susceptible to a Chelm solution.

***

In 2024, among 11th graders in Chicago (new Chelm–Midwest), only 22.4% of the students could read at grade level and 18.6% performed math proficiently,  according to the Illinois Report Card released on October 30.  In elementary schools, fewer than 1 in 3 students could read, and fewer than 1 in 5 could do math, at grade level.

A problem decades in the making that required immediate action.

Elders of the Chicago Public Schools said on January 6 of this year that it had offered teachers a 16% raise over 4 years, making them the highest paid in the country, with the exception of some New York City (New Chelm–East) teachers.  The Union has countered with a demand for a 24% increase over 4 years.  Mayor Brandon Johnson taught for 4 years at Chicago Public Schools before going on leave in 2011 to work for the Chicago Teachers Union.  But his heart and mind never left Chelm.

***

Chelm was excavating a foundation for a new synagogue.  As they dug, the workers were confronted by a dilemma–what to do with the dirt that had formerly filled the site?  One of the Chelmites had a brilliant idea:  dig a pit of the same size a short distance away and put the excavated dirt in the newly-dug hole.  The solution was effected, to general applause and appreciation.  “But,” said one of the workers, ”What do we do with the dirt from the new hole?” This was one for the Elders.  They immediately arrived at the site, inspected, huddled, and announced their decision:  build a third hole to receive the dirt from the second hole.

But this time, make it twice as deep.

***

Some years ago, the heartless enemies of the newest of Chelms kidnapped a hostage and held him for ransom.  The people of  Chelm would do anything to save a fellow citizen from the cruelty of the monstrous kidnappers.  So they redeemed him at a very high price–a thousand murderous enemies were released from prison.  Problem solved.

But the enemies, now including the released convicts, had learned that the generous people of the newest Chelm would pay any price for kidnapped hostages, and so they seized hundreds more.  Once again, the people of the newest Chelm released hundreds of murderous criminals in exchange for the innocent hostages.  Problem solved?

The newest of Chelms has many enemies, whose hideous actions are not even the slightest bit humorous.  And that is why utilizing the wisdom of Chelm in dealing with them is so perilous and so fraught.

***

Future installments on their way; feel free to suggest appropriate samples from the New Chelm of your choice.   Sometimes I just get discouraged.