Cry me a river

If I had a shekel for every time that I have been asked if I am homesick or if there is anything that I miss about America, I would be rich. If I had a shekel for every time I replied hell to the no, I would be skinny. Man, I truly crack my own self up but that in itself is (you guessed it) a whole new post. Carry on.

Today I have realized while there is much truth to the above responses that I robotically give to people, I have to admit that I am not being 100 percent honest with myself. So I must confess, I miss my son. Wow, she has a kid?  Yup and believe me,  I’m just as  shocked as you are (or at least I was when I found out I was pregnant. HAHA). My son is 18, his name is נח (Noah) and he is everything  to me. I love him so much that I can’t even express to you how I feel about him. So why did I leave him? Days like today I am stuck asking myself the same fucking thing (wow, so angry are we).

When I decided to make aliyah I was hoping one day my son would follow. I made the decision because my emotional survival needed change (little did I know what that actually meant). If you have ever had anything traumatic happen to you and you lived to share the stories then you know that when the storm calms, you tend to value and appreciate life and really look at it much differently than you did before. This is what happened with me. I was married to a good man (not a perfect relationship, good thing I don’t believe in perfect) and a salon owner and a crazy baseball mom (trust me on this one when I say mad house crazy) living day to day and then bam.. YOU HAVE BREAST CANCER says a little birdie (I’m looking around the room like who has breast cancer) and there began my journey to life and living and here I am in Israel. Somewhere on my journey to being cancer free, I checked out. I really did. Btw the way as I type this is I am in full on cry mode (ugly face and all). I had to check out to save my life. I had to give my health full energy and if I wanted to be here for my son later in life I had to have a healing moment (the mind is a powerful thing).

In my mind me being in Israel and building my life will hopefully allow a bridge for my son to come and live with me here in the land of Milk and Money. He is almost 19 (totally adulting) so the decision would be up to him but I pray for this every day. I talked with him recently and my heart is broken. I miss my baby (ok he hasn’t been a baby in forever if you ask him but we aren’t really asking him are we?). In my mind, (in history and currently) America is not built for a 6 foot 3 black Jew (nope I won’t go there (but I kinda did didn’t I?) NOT TODAY ANYWAY). I love Israel and the people and the system of family and love (even with the line cutting and constant yelling) and this is where my son belongs. My son belongs with his overbearing, crazy, loud, overloving, crazy (oh wait didn’t I say that already) Imma (mom).

So if you want to know what I miss about the states let me be crystal  clear. I miss nothing  (klum) at all but if you ask me WHO I miss then now you have your answer. I miss my kid. I miss yelling at him. I miss embarrassing  him. I miss his friends too. I miss cooking for him. I miss going to synagogue with him. I miss him. He’s my one true love and at this very moment I am choosing to share with you because when I chose to write my journey, I wanted it to be all of me. No holding back. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading and taking a peek into a snippet of my journey because writing for me is healing and you are now part of my healing path. I’ll be fine but today even with the tears, I stay focused and on my grind (ugly cry face and all). The life of a breast cancer survivor  isn’t easy but one thing about survival is that in the end….



About the Author
Breast cancer warrior with a desire to inspire. Join me on my journey as I explore the Land of Milk and Money (and NO, that is not a typo) as an Olah Chadisha that has been given a new lease on life.
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