Dealing with grief, regret and rejection

Would have. Should have. Could have. We all have our regrets that we don’t always share with others. These regrets are often associated with people that are no longer with us, particularly if our last interaction was confrontational. Having argued with someone who got killed the next day, on October 7, or is still a hostage. That argument, going over every word. That’s regret and, sadly, grief isn’t far behind in this case. We rarely pay attention to words until it’s our last conversation with someone. Then, every gesture, every word, is seared into our memories. It’s called hypermnesia – you remember exactly where you were, what you were doing, and thinking when a tragedy struck. There’s no panacea here. All you can do is hope they are in a better place and that argument you had, or your last chat for that matter, is no longer that important to them because they are in a much greater reality and see things in ways that are way beyond our understanding. Grudges just don’t matter anymore over there.

We often regret not reaching out to others when we had the chance. Our regret compounds our grief. We look for answers by praying to God, going to therapy, or asking psychics to get us in touch with the other side. We look for synchronicities, hoping that these are signs from the other side. Some people even claim they are channeling their deceased loves ones and friends. Who are we to take that belief from them, regardless of what we think about their way of coping with loss?

We gave up the piano because of a bad teacher. Now, years later, we regret not being a virtuoso. It’s easy to see our mistake in hindsight. All we needed was a different teacher. But we can’t always have everything. Maybe, in the grand scheme of things, our talents are needed elsewhere and not in front of the piano. Maybe, instead of playing the piano, our other talents have been given an opportunity to flourish. Going over scenarios that we can no longer change is counterproductive, but it’s easier said than done. It’s vital to look forward rather than backwards because we’re going to get lost in a mental maze by going over past scenarios and mistakes.

Sometimes, our status changes and we feel emasculated, because we no longer have the power we used to have, the privilege we used to have, whatever that power and privilege meant for us and gave us. There’s a glass ceiling where the was none before. The glass ceiling can take many forms: for example, getting ignored or scolded when we don’t conform to a particular version of how we’re supposed to behave. Perhaps, we regret offending someone, maybe even God Himself, who forcefully changed our social status, or so we believe. Maybe we are misintepreting the situation as punishment, maybe it’s a test or something else entirely. All we can do is adjust to whatever reality we have in front of us and use it to our advantage.

Getting rejected is part of life. A potential publisher loves your writing style but feels it’s too serious, too offensive. Are you going to argue with the publisher and likely lose, find a new publisher you have no relationship with in hopes of having more leeway, or edit your novel where, say, you’re going to write about dancing instead of quantum physics? Knowing how to deal with rejection, regardless of the context, is a vital skill in life. Knowing when to try harder and when to move on is crucial.

Whether it’s grief, regret, or rejection, these three emotions are all about longing for someone or something lost, often beyond our reach. How we deal with what’s beyond our reach, in particular, is what defines us.