Dear Santa,

How goes, big guy?  It’s me, Shia.  Yes, yes, that Shia from when we met at the Mondawmin Mall in Baltimore many years ago.  Now before some of my readers get nervous as they visualize this Jewish guy sitting on your lap when he was a child trying to extort toys, I know you remember it wasn’t like that.

As you were hurrying to your Kiseh Shel Santa, Santa chair, and all the kids waiting to sit on your lap, you saw my sister and me walking along, and you stopped us and wished us a Happy Chanukah.  My kippah (yarmulke) gave us away.  We were surprised when you said you were Jewish, and when you mentioned your own nephew had gone to the same Yeshivah I was attending!  [True story.]  But hey, why not?  Jesus was a Jew.  Why not you?  Who “Nu?”

Look, I know I haven’t stayed in touch and I apologize for that, but how would it look for a Bar and Bat Mitzvah teacher being pen pals with Santa Claus?  I mean, c’mon.  Unless the Gentiles begin having their kids become B’nai Mitzvah.  (Call me, I’m available.)  Yes. Yes, you are right.  It would have remained secret on your end, but I probably would have blurted it out that we were buddies and I could have been badgered into elf-hood.

It’s tough enough being a Jew, but an elf-Jew?  Or is it Jewelf?  (Funny, I don’t look Jewelf.)  I am a Kohen and that’s enough, thanks.  And by the way, I have been told for years that green clothes clashed with my red hair.  Well, I no longer have red hair, so I guess it’s OK to reconnect.

Huh, do I need any toys?  Like many, I could use some things, but no, no toys, thanks.  I wish you would have come down my chimney to bring me some latkes a couple weeks back, but maybe next year.

Santa, I know you have that famous “Naughty or Nice” list for children, but I would like to give you a list of a few adults who had been selfish or foolish or dangerously naïve, especially when it came to Israel and the Jewish people, even to common decency, or who went above and beyond to do the right thing.

Here for your perusal is Shia’s 2015 “Meshuga or Mensch” (“Nutty or Nice”) list, of those who deserve either reprimand or accolade.  Now, I could have included others, but I know you are very busy at the moment.


Barack Obama – Yes, you knew that was coming.  Iran, ISIS, his arrogance, his whining, health care costs skyrocketing after his promises they would drop under his plan, the country’s labor participation rate the lowest since Jimmy Carter, and I can go on and on.  If you give him anything, how about some bologna from that “deli in Paris” where he said a “bunch of folks” were “randomly” shot in January.  Might make him think a bit.  But then again, he won’t care.

If you do give Obama that delicatessen meat, please be sure to pronounce it baloney.  Or you could give him a new teleprompter that only shows the truth.  Up to you.


Democratic U.S. Senators Robert Menendez (NJ), Chuck Schumer (NY), Ben Cardin (MD) and Joe Manchin (WV) – They opposed the P5+1 nuclear surrender to Iran, refusing to bow to their president and party, and left-wing group threats.

These four senators represent eastern states that of late these last few years, have been getting clobbered in the colder months.  If you can, Santa, please ask the weather powers that be to temper the cold in their states, and even add some warmth for the coming winter days.


All the other Democrats who caved on the deal, some wasting no time to screw Israel, with others agonizing over how terrible the deal was but then giving it their blessing.  Santa, even though Iran continues to violate UN Security Council resolutions (as if any Western leader or the UN gives a damn), the debate of the deal is pretty much old news.  I and others will never forget however, who the capitulators were.

When things go very dangerously south in regard to the agreement, and clear-headed people know they tragically will, please give each of the miscreants something they lack now, a conscience.  And please let those consciences weigh heavily on their souls as they look for excuses to blame everyone but themselves for their betrayal and cowardice not just toward Israel, but toward American security and values as well.


Former Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper – Harper has been a true friend to Israel, unabashedly defending the Jewish State to all who would listen, like no other leader in the world.  I am worried about his successor who for all the pre-election pro-Israel talk, after the election he added an apparent Hamas supporter to his leadership – to the position of Parliamentary Secretary to the Minister of Foreign Affairs, no less.  Oy Canada.

Mr. Harper is such a mentsch, I consider him mishpacha, family.  To help him with his retirement, please give Harper and his family a year’s worth of Shabbat meals, including chicken soup with matzah balls, shnitzel and brisket and potato kugel, and the Jewish people’s thanks for his many years of support.


John Kerry – I wasn’t really sure about this one, Santa, because sometimes, I think the US Secretary of State is so foolish, not only do I wonder if he really believes his own words, I think he could be on another planet completely.  I mean, he could be beyond meshuga.

Now I must admit Kerry does work hard towing Obama’s line, and unlike his predecessor, he doesn’t just fly all over the place, he actually does stuff.  The problem is he does bad stuff.  How about you give him some marbles?  Because he seems to have lost his.


Jerry Seinfeld and every entertainer, who not only went to Israel to perform during turbulent times, but who also refused to be bullied by the anti-Semitic BDS (Boycotts, Divestments and Sanctions) movement.  I include others whether they visited Israel or not, who were quick to defend the Jewish State, e.g., Howard Stern, Adam Sandler and Mayim Bialik.

A special thank you to reggae singer Matisyahu, who in the face of threats and loud protests defiantly performed his song “Jerusalem” at a Spanish music festival as pro-Palestinian, BDS troublemakers did all they could to disrupt his appearance.  Kol Hakavod to you all!  Santa, please see to it that the mensch entertainers have successful careers for many years to come.


Marsha Levine, the horse’s ass in the UK, who refused to help a 13-year-old Israeli girl who, while working on a school project, politely asked the equine expert a few questions about horses.  The Israel-bashing, self-hating Jew, Levine responded with: “I’ll answer your questions when there is peace and justice for Palestinians in Palestine.”  The BDSer also rudely lectured the innocent girl and nastily defended her actions calling “the Jews,” Nazis, and Israelis, monsters.

The only good thing to come out of this disgusting display by yet another far-left loon is that it helped prove what BDS really is, an anti-Semitic movement bent on hurting Israel as a whole, and Jews.  I know BDSers say it’s not so.  But when they viciously attack children and when they disrespect venerable Jewish holy places, like the Western Wall, to make their point, they show one and all that it is not only Israel they abhor, but Judaism itself.

Back to Levine, Santa.  What does one give to this animal expert so warped and so consumed with self-hatred?  I think an appropriate gift would be 1,000 pounds of horse manure.  And please have Roger Waters deliver it all.  Bit by bit.  And using his hands.

OK, that’s it for my 2015 list.  Stay warm, my friend.

About the Author
Shia Altman who hails from Baltimore, MD, now lives in Los Angeles. His Jewish studies, aerospace, and business and marketing background includes a BA from the University of Maryland and an MBA from the University of Baltimore. When not dabbling in Internet Marketing, Shia tutors Bar and Bat Mitzvah, and Judaic and Biblical Studies to both young and old.
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