Mort Laitner

Fighting the Devil with a Butter Knife

“Morris, deep in my kishkes (guts), I fear that Joe’s gonna fight that lying devil with a butter knife. I worry about him and his team making the right decisions on how to win this election.”

“Well Mort, that lying devil coming after Joe with a machete in one hand, a switchblade in the other and like a pirate, he’s holding a stiletto between his teeth. So you have every right to be worried. Joe better choose his weapons wisely and carefully and he’d better start using them now or he’s gonna get beat.”

Stroking his chin, Morris asked, “Do you remember when Hillary pulled out her silver-plated butter knife in 2016?”

“I sure do. Her team totally failed her. What a disaster! It wasn’t pretty. Some folks called that fight, ‘a blood bath’ with most of the spilled blood being Hillary’s. But Clinton didn’t understand that machetes draw way more blood than blunt bladed butter knives and she believed the polls and then that son-of-a-bitch, FBI Director, James B. Comey, destroyed any chance she had. Yeah, she was pretty naïve and in politics naivety is a mortal sin. Remember she died by using the smaller, blunter sword and not by the wild beast.”

Having caught the High Holiday reference, Mort laughed.

“Seriously Mort, the election only 168 days away, Biden can’t be slow-walking across his kitchen to the knife block. He’s gotta select his weapons now, and use them before it’s too late. Thanks to Trump stupidity, Biden’s knife block is filled with some deadly cutlery.

“Okay Morris, let’s have some fun. I challenge you to a game of Naming-the-Knives-Housed- in-Joe’s-Knife Block.”

“Buddy you’re on. Challenge accepted. Here are the game’s parameters.  I’ll name four or five knives, then it’s your turn. The guy who comes up with the funniest knife name wins.

“I’ll start,” Morris said. “How about the Roe v. Wade blade? or Will the Republicans switch blade or Trump’s-too-senile-to-have-a-cutting-edge blade or For the sake of humanity, his first wife shoulda used a scalpel to snip off his balls blade or Do you know why Trump doesn’t own a paring knife?  Because he hates fruits.”

“Morris, pretty, pretty good. Here are my five: The Stormy’s cleavage cleaver or The Please Stormy, don’t spank me with the butt of that knife or The hardware store refused to sell him a Swiss Army knife because he had bone spurs or The Trump spreading misinformation kitchen knife or The Joe better be ready to hold his nose because Trump got a special knife for cutting the cheese or When Trump talks about the election, he usually holds a Russian ‘steel’ knife.”

“Mort, I concede. You win. I love your Swiss Army knife, bones spurs joke.

But all kidding aside, I hope someone gets our message into Joe’s head and he gets his ass in gear before it’s too late.”

About the Author
Florida's Jewish short-story writer, speaker, film producer and retired attorney. He has authored, "A Hebraic Obsession", "The Hanukkah Bunny" and "The Greatest Gift." He produced an award-winning short film entitled, "The Stairs". Movie can be viewed on my TOI blog. ChatGPT says, Mort is known for his works that often explore themes of love, loss, and the human connection. Laitner has published several books , including “A Hebraic Obsession.” His writing style is characterized by its emotional depth and introspection. Laitner’s works have garnered praise for their heartfelt expression and keen insight into the human experience.
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