‘Fortune Cookies during the Time of Coronavirus’

I opened my email, scanned down the list of junk until my eye caught an interesting title:

“Put Money in Your Pocket from the Beijing Fortune Cookie Company”

Dear Mr. Laitner:

For a considerable period of time, we have read your blogs in the Times of Israel.

We find them quite good.

We think you might have a talent in the writing of fortunes.

Therefore, the Beijing Fortune Cookie Company offers you the following opportunity.

You write 10 fortunes for our company concerning the coronavirus and for every fortune we accept, we will pay you $20.

If you accept our offer, please respond via this email.

If you have any questions, please contact our Creative-Writing Department.

Sincerely yours,

President of Beijing Fortune Cookie Company

San Francisco, California

I read the email twice—it looked real.

I googled the company—it was real.

I loved the challenge and I could use the 200 bucks.

I grabbed my pen and pad and commenced writing.

Here’s my list of ten, I sent to the Beijing Fortune Cookie Company:

  1. Confucius says, “Do not did inject Lysol into you veins. It may kill virus and you at the same time.”
  2. Listening to the advice of stupid ignoramus leader can cause tens of thousands of deaths.
  3. Tanning lamp gives you appearance of sunburn put does not disinfect the coronavirus hiding in your lungs.
  4. Man who takes medical advice from a donkey, is an ass.
  5. Coronavirus is no hoax. Many people will die. Take precautions.
  6. Nostradamus predicted plague and new leader in 2020.
  7. Remember to wash your hands, wear a mask, social distance and to vote.
  8. We promise to eat fewer bats if you promise not to reelect jerks.
  9. Use your keppie, don’t trust any COVID-19 vaccines made out of Clorox bleach.
  10. Don’t be a schmendrick, follow the death toll not the politicians.

So next time you break open a fortune cookie and read your fortune, remember where you read it first.

About the Author
South Florida's Jewish short-story writer, speaker, film producer and retired attorney. He has authored, "A Hebraic Obsession", "The Hanukkah Bunny" and "The Greatest Gift." He produced an award-winning short film entitled, "The Stairs". Movie can be viewed on my TOI blog. Mort is a correspondent for the Fort Lauderdale Sun Sentinel Jewish Journal.
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