Frum Guide: Drinking on Purim

(This is from the educational guide on how to be a good religious Jew)

There is something to do with Mordechai and Haman. That is not important. The point is that you are supposed to drink. The times are not important. You should also smoke. If you are already drinking, you should be smoking. Any frum Jew knows that.

Alcohol, binge drinking, is acceptable for all ages. Children are allowed to drink too. There is a special law that on Purim, you cannot go to jail for forcing alcoholic beverages on a minor, as long as you are a responsible parent and it is traditional. It is also traditional to start the young on cigarettes. Children should also be smoking. If they are too young to trust with fire, hold the cigarette for them. You want to educate your children how to be frum, when they are young. This is called Chinuch. The community wants to know, ‘Are you raising your children to be good frum Jews?’

Take the Misrad HaTachburah’s (Israel ’s Ministry of Transportation) message from Purim to heart: ‘Do not drive drunk this Purim.’ It is important on Purim.
The rest of the year is too hard to control. Focus is the key. The people driving on the roads during the rest of the year should be intoxicated. That is the problem: Israelis drive sober, causing anger and many accidents. If we drove drunk the rest of the year, there would be less issues in our lives. If you are sober and there is an accident, you feel bad, it’s an issue. Less issues makes for a happier society.
You should also heed the message of the Ministry of Safety, that ‘Drinking alcohol gives you self confidence.’

The question is how does frum Jews drink after Purim. You can still binge drink. Do not worry. As long as you say ‘LChaim,’ you are allowed to drink according to the Torah. That is Jewish law, kept by frum people. You have to remember the different religious reasons for a LChaim. Here is a small list of a couple of reasons:
Somebody got engaged
There was a baby
There was a birthday
Somebody got married
Shabbat
A friend is in
A rabbi died
A rabbi died on that day
A rabbi died on that day a long time ago
It is Shabbis again
Purim Katan
Pesach
Kiddush (sanctification makes it permissible for kids to drink too- you apikores who thinks school is more important than your child having a hang over)
Holiday
Circumcision (babies are also allowed to drink at this event)
Shalom Bayit (peace in the house- you apikores who doesn’t do Lchaims when you get home from work)

WARNING: If you are an alcoholic, it is probably because you took the commandment of binge drinking very seriously, and found many more reasons to sanctify this commandment with LChaims. Now, you have rabbinic approval to not drink. You cannot explain that to anybody in the frum community. It will be taken as a sign of weak frum living.
If you are an alcoholic, you should carry a flask of apple juice. They will think it is whiskey or apple juice. At least this way, they will not consider you a heretic. Any man that carries a flask of apple juice is definitely a strong supporter of good Chinuch (educating the young- you heretic who has never poured whiskey on a pacifier).