This is the day to be sad, along with every other day on the Jewish calendar. The Beit Hamikdash (Great Temple- you heathen who still uses the word temple) was destroyed, and as such, smiling is not something you should ever do. You should be the one giving a nasty look to the Am HaAtertz who smiles.
Yom Hashoah, Yom Hazikaron= Asur. Those are the only two days you do not mourn as a frum Jew, because the not frum Jews mourn on that day. All sad stuff happened on Tisha BAv, so we put them all into one day- and then mourn the rest of the year, except for Yom Hashoah and Yom Hazikaron (days of remembrance you heretic who does whatever the Israeli government says- Oy!).
There are the 3 weeks leading up to Tisha BAv and the Omer count (days of heightened sense of mourning), where you are not supposed to shave or date due to lack of self hygiene. This should not be a big deal, as you already have a beard. We do enough mourning.
Modern frum do Yom Hashoah and Yom Hazikaron. It isn’t wrong to remember people who passed away or were killed for living a virtuous life. However, do not let other people know you care; do not practice the days of remembrance BFarhesia (in public- you Chanuka lighting lover of Zion who says Hallel on Yom HaAtzmaut).
Service of H’ (Gd- you apikores who doesn’t know how to spell) should not involve emotion. The only time tears are allowed is when you are saying Slichot, the hymns said around the time of Rosh Hashana, as you sit there for an hour saying words you do not understand. And that is pain.
The goal is to stay away from any happiness. There are different ways to show this. The most important aspect of not happiness is to show anger. You can do the table smack to show that it is Rosh Chodesh (The beginning of the month), so that people know you are not happy to add an extra paragraph to the Amidah (silent prayer we say standing up- you apikores who doesn’t even know when to bow). You can eat herring all the time; that will make you angry, if you do not have crackers (herring is fish you apikores who doesn’t know Yiddish). You can even spend the day watching your children.
If you can sport a blank depressed look, that is the best. If you are very spaced out, that also looks like you are connecting with H.’
Sefardim have a tradition to only mourn the week of Tisha BAv. Even so, as Ashkenazim, it is our tradition to mourn as much as we can. If you can mourn from Pesach till this time, that is even better. The more you mourn, the better off you are. Even if you are a Sefardi, you want to mourn more than the three days. You eat meat on any other day than Shabbis, during this time, you can fall into heretic status.
The heightened mourning at this time of year begins with three weeks before Tisha BAv. Thus it is known as the Three Weeks. Because it is three weeks. The main idea of the Three Weeks. is to bring a heightened sense of uncomfortable. Let your beard grow. That is quite uncomfortable in August, in 100 degree Fahrenheit weather.
There are many ways to add discomfort. You can stick the fringes of your four cornered garment in your ear (Four cornered garment is Tzitzis- you poncho wearing apikores who doesn’t even know that the four cornered garment needs tzitzis, and it is six times faster to say ‘Tzitzis’). You can also have a conversation with anybody who passionately cares about something. You can listen to a Chozer BTshuva talk about how much they like Torah, and their passionate story about how they became religious. This kind of pain can lead to the rebuilding of the Temple.
The 9 Days are the 9 days before Tisha BAv from the beginning of the month (Rosh Chodesh- you apikores who only cares about Rosh Hashana), which we then take mourning to the next level. During this time, many people don’t swim. But as a frum Jew, you should not be swimming anyways. The bungalow you are joining has a pool so that people can sit on chaise lounge chairs. Chaise lounge chairs must be made of plastic.
Remember: No eating meat for the 9 Days. You can eat fish, as fish never brought anybody happiness.
You could be Sefardi and only mourn for the week of Tisha BAv (that is if you do not care for being shunned as a Jew). And that is why no Sefardi who keeps Sefardic tradition is considered frum. The tradition of the Three Weeks has no basis in the Rambam and it seems to be a solely Ashkenazik tradition. That being the case, it is important to be as stringent as possible. If you want to fit in as a Sefardic Jew and want to be frum, you should become Ashkenazi. Thinking happiness and knowledge of your own tradition will earn you respect is a pipe-dream. So make a better life for yourself and keep the Three Weeks and 9 Days.
There are ways around eating meat, according to the Sefer HaToda’ah (Book of Our Heritage- you apikoreset who got an English book for your Bat Mitzvah)- A bris is one. Any Seudat Mitzvah (meal for a mitzvah- you heathen who thinks that it is a mitzvah to eat a meal, and doesn’t understand that only a seuda is a mitzvah- Oy!). This includes a Pidyon HaBen, Bar Mitzvah and a Siyum (finishing a Tractate of Gemara or the Mishnah- where you can say you accomplished something of Torah- you Am HaAretz who has never redeemed a child, because you don’t understand the English word Tractate and think that volumes is a better way to explain an easy Hebrew word).
Now how do you plan your Siyum? Show up to a Yeshiva for a few minutes where people learn and piggyback on that man’s success. You can also find any kosher restaurant in the New York area. Making money off of food is frum. Thus, you can show up to any restaurant and they will have a guy saying how meaningful it was to finish the Tractate, so that his family would not have to go a week without meat. If need be, you can always learn Mesechet Makot (the Tractate of Lashes, you conformist chain carrying heathen who recently got a bolt put in your nose).
You are asking- How is it mourning if you are eating meat? Go and listen to the person celebrating the Siyum talk for a few minutes and you will feel the suffering of our people. The greatest suffering since the destruction of the Beis Hamikdash; the right given to the people who are not part of the Anshei Knesset HaGdola to give Torah speeches, as if they know what they are talking about.
Another way to eat meat is if there is an important rabbi coming through your town who wants to eat meat. In the presence of an important rabbi, you can do whatever you would like. You can break any mitzvot during the Three Weeks, or Shabbat for that matter. As long as the rabbi is within view and staying at your house, you can break whatever laws you want and just point to the rabbi. The presence of a rabbi in your house gives you the necessary status to change your religion for a few days. It is almost as good as being a descendant of the Gaon of Vilna (Gr”a, you apikores who speaks in non-acronym form). You can use that presence in your home for a good 20 years. Anytime somebody gives you a weird look, just say, ‘Rav Shlit”a was in my house.’ As you say shlit”a and don’t understand what it means, you will have already suppressed any question of why you cannot pronounce a ‘chet.’
On Tisha BAv, you have to take the discomfort to the next level. Now you have to sit on the ground. The discomfort of the shule’s fold-up chairs has to be taken to the next level. Some people like to show off with their knowledge of 3 Tefachim (three hand-breadths, you heathen who measures in feet and inches- who doesn’t even know what centimeters are). If you want to really show off, make sure you know your hand-breadths and flip over a bench. This show of knowledge will make you look frum and yet comfortable, in an extremely uncomfortable way. This is more uncomfortable than sitting on the floor. So you are good.
If you want to cheat the comfort system, make sure you find the man with the biggest hands in shule and sit on his bench. The largest hand-breadth (which is 4 fingers), is still less than 4 inches. So stay away from any freaks who have been working in construction for too long. By definition of the way they make a living, they are not religious anyways.
No showering or bathing of any sorts is allowed on Tisha BAv. You want to smell bad. Smelling decent can render you an Apikores. If need be, rub some cumin on yourself.
There is no taking this too far. Smelling bad is a religious ritual, and it also helps everybody else around you connect with the destruction.
You can clean your fingers, up to the knuckles, as that is the part of your body you use for wiping yourself. But that is private and halachik, and as such has nothing to do with being frum, unless you are in a public bathroom. For that matter, you will smell worse if you do not wash your fingers in a public bathroom, thus making you more frum. We would also discuss how it is forbidden to have ‘marital relations’ here, but anything done in private has nothing to do with frum. That is unless you have your kids’ friends staying over; in which case, make a big deal about how your children make brachot- forcing them to say it out loud.
No learning Torah on Tisha BAv, because that brings happiness to people who love H.’ You can probably get away with learning Torah, as you are probably learning it in English, and since you became religious it has only caused for a rift with your parents.
No greeting people on Tisha BAv. As the second Beit Hamikdash was destroyed, due to baseless hatred, we try to make close friends feel as uncomfortable as possible. This way they will ask themselves why you did not greet them and the hatred will not be baseless.
If somebody greets you however, you may return the greeting, as they are sinners and they have no idea what it means to connect with the destruction of the Temple.
You also cannot wear leather shoes on Tisha BAv. This is the perfect time to sport your new frum clothes you purchased. The plastic black shoes which make it look like you are always wearing a tux, is perfect.
Picking out the stylish clothes for the day? Think Yom Kippur. B”H (Thank Gd- you heretic who answers people when they ask you how you are doing) for the Converse All-Stars. Those shoes definitely made a whole generation of Jews fit in at camp.
Shopping is forbidden the whole Three Weeks. So, if you did purchase any clothes during this time, make sure you did that shopping with a baseball hat. The baseball hat is a way for you to have anonymity in the frum community and beyond. People cannot tell you are Jewish with a baseball hat says ‘SWAG,’ with a straight visor. With that kind of hat and a beard, they will mistake you for a biker. To note: food shopping is acceptable. You can see this based on the amount of time any frum family spends in Shop Rite. This kind of shopping should be considered asur, as it is entertainment for a good frum family. You can see this in Israel when you see the smiles of simcha (happinnes- you smiling heretic) when a frum family finds a new kishka on the market.
Every bad event happened on Tisha BAv: The Batei Mikdash were destroyed, it was decreed the generation in the dessert would not enter Israel, my basketball went into to the camp lake and many other tragic events on the Jewish calendar.
Fasting- This is the hardest part of the only other day, which rivals Yom Kippur in its length of fast. I suggest walking around with an IV. The IV will give you status, as the community will think you are very sick, but so connected that you are still keeping the fast. IV’s come in many different forms. With an IV, you are even allowed to have meat running through the blood.
The only positive is that on this day, you can get out of being in shule (which adds an extra eight hours to the fast). You do have the option of sitting in shule, to add to the felt pain.
There are other fast days, like the 17th of Tamuz (at the beginning of the Three Weeks), but that is only from dawn to night. You can sleep through that fast. The goal of most fast days is to have you thinking about the community’s sins and your own. It is better to sleep through that. The community has bothered you enough.
If you pull off the mourning and blank look of depression right, you are in. Frum as a choolante cooking till Saturday night.
***These are excerpts from the Frum Guide. For more education with Rabbi David come see David Kilimnick perform at the Off The Wall Comedy Basement, in downtown Jerusalem- every Thursday night.
David also tours as a Maggid with very few stories, if you invite him.
Tzom Kal vMatzleeach LKoolam