Glossary for Nuclear War

WMD:  Weapons of Mass Destruction; the reason for the invasion of Iraq; what they didn’t find there and then stayed on anyway.

Iran: Once known as Persia. Incorrectly pronounced “I Ran”. Should be pronounced “Eeeeh..Run” Also referred to as the “Nuclear Duck”.

Protective Kit: Hebrew – “erkat magen”.  Contents: (when last opened in 1991) gas mask, silly powder for drying skin and Atropine self-injection.  Usefulness in the event of a nuclear threat: something like putting up burglar bars to prevent a fire. Effectiveness: Very good for getting the kids to stay quiet for a while.

Ahmadinejad:  6^th President of Islamic Republic of Iran. Pronunciation in English(UK): Ah Ma Diner Jaad. (USA): Ah…that bad guy, can’t pronounce his name. In Hebrew: Ugh! Mud! DiN  a Jud. English (South African): Ag, that mad guy. Attributes: Hitler wannabee. Doesn’t like Israel and Zionism.Plans: to make an atom bomb and then play with it. Addictions: heavily into U-235 (see below).

Protected Room or Shelter:  A reinforced concrete sealable room in the home or the building. Very safe in the event of conventional missiles. Questionable protection for gas warfare. Not safe for fallout. Fatal in the event of flatulence.

SMS: short message service. What you will get to tell you to run to the protected room. If the your number isn’t listed, see the “Five Hundred” below.

Uranium:  Ore mined out of the ground and when processed correctly, used for nuclear reactor fuel or bombs.

Uranium 235: Poor man’s plutonium (see below). An enriched form of Uranium comprising only 0.7% of the Uranium ore, good for fission (making bombs) generated in centrifuges (see below). Was efficient enough to wipe out Hiroshima.

Uranium 238: Crappy Uranium ie: the 99.3% that is separated out by centrifuges (see below).

Plutonium: High grade nuclear fuel by-product for the select few already in the nuclear business (us), excellent bomb component. Hazardous toxic life span – only about 250,000 years.

Centrifuges: Things that make stuff go round and round for hours, weeks and months and process something called UF6, a gaseous form of Uranium, into high grade material for use down at the bomb plant.

Bunkers: places made of reinforced concrete under-ground, or within mountains where nuclear facilities, bombs and missiles are hidden so satellites can’t see them and smart bombs can’t hit them.

Dirty Bomb: Good for countries with low grade Uranium not yet ready to nuke. Filled with radioactive material it explodes using regular explosives thus dispersing radioactivity making people in the area contaminated, ill and causing fatalities, but not as bad as a proper nuclear bomb. Example: let’s say a container in Haifa blows up and disperses radioactive material. Not so bad right? Just those Haifa Bay people have a prob but then they could maybe go to the beach for a while.

The Beginator: Bibi Netanyahu who sees himself as the modern age Begin determined to eliminate the Iranian nuclear threat without America.

Barak: Modern day Napoleon who, like Napoleon himself also mysteriously came back from exile.

Dichter: Newly appointed Minister for Home Front after fleeing the ranks of Kadima.

BiBarDic: Pronunciation – Beeb-Bar-Dick, acronym for the above triumvirate who plan to Beginate Iran.

Five Hundred: The magic number calculated by Barak destined as manageable fatalities in the event of missiles from Hezbollah following an Israeli strike on Iran ie: small pain for big gain.

Startup Nation: The name for modern Israel defined by the high-tech surge and based on initiative, brinkmanship and the ability to eliminate thoughts of potential failure as a mitigating factor.

The Monroe Doctrine: Policy doctrine determined during the presidency of James Monroe which came to be interpreted as non-interference by European powers in the North and South American continents known as the Western Hemisphere.

Eyeball to eyeball: the standoff during the Cuban missile crises between Kennedy and Khrushchev which nearly led to nuclear war.

The Reagan Doctrine: the centerpiece US policy during the Reagan era to roll back communist influence by invoking subversive groups.

The Powell Doctrine: exhausting all political, economic, and diplomatic means before entering conflict, working out an exit strategy in advance, and having support of key allies.

The Obama Doctrine: Not to have a doctrine.

The BiBarDic Doctrine: Local combina of the above, sans Powell, for Middle East: We are the Startup Nation. We’ll do the eyeball thing, subvert digitally, attack, see what happens and hope for an American sponsored exit halfway through. Or figure something out along the way.

Barak Obama: The first American president to supply Israel with F35 aircraft, the American sponsor in the event of an exit or the guy who will throw us under a bus – choose most relevant.

MAD: Mutually Assured Destruction, a concept whereby two opposing powers hold nuclear weapons but don’t use them under the premise that neither side wishes to risk being destroyed because they operate from a rationale of logic.

Mad: Anyone who subscribes to MAD in the Middle East.

Intelligence: As in military. The large knowledge base of what really goes down in Iran, available only to gatherers and decision makers  consequently leaving us in their hands. Recommended action: sweep out the shelter, write up useless glossaries and keep your eyes open for a bright white light.

Dr. Strangelove: The 1964 film otherwise known as “How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb”. Recommended viewing and apparently on a DOK included in your protective kit in the event of fire – I mean burglary.