Dan Ornstein

Haman shmears the Jews: A serious Seussical Purim parody

Please refer to Dr. Seuss’es Horton Hears A Who, for deeper textual analysis. Happy Purim!

In the heat of the night
Before the first of Nisan,
When the lots in the lottery
Had yet to be drawn,
Haman was bored from
Just standing around.
He was done with George Zimmerman
Standing his ground.

“I need someone peculiar
Who I can exploit
As the ‘cause’ of our troubles,
In a way most adroit;
So that people and nations
And doctrinaire thugs
Won’t have to find comfort
In pricey street drugs.

Someone oh-so easy
For us to attack
As our pitiful target,
Who will never talk back
While we righteously claim
That the problem ain’t us;
It’s those yellow starred sneetches
Driving the bus!”

Haman, he pondered
As he sat on the Metro,
“I need an old favorite,
For the world has gone retro.
Oh who can I pillory,
A Who who’s not new?
Wait, look, on that dust speck,
My suspect, a Jew!

I gotcha, be silent
While I start to beat ya’!
You pintele yids
Are such beatable creatures.
If you try self defense,
You know I’ll prevent ya’.
Oh, if you weren’t here,
We would have to invent ya’!”

But that Jew on the dust speck
Spoke up with no quiet:
I’m the Jew-ville version
Of that band, Pussy Riot
That Vlad-Vladi-Putin
Would love to shut down.
Hey, man, let me say,
I’ll scream all over town.”

“Shut up!” roared Haman,
“Shut your trap and just take it.
You’re our goat to the slaughter,
You cannot escape it.
No matter how free from
Reproach are you all,
A Jew is a Jew,
So you’ll take the fall.”

But nothing could silence
That dust- specker yiddle.
From the Jew-ville rooftops
He sang as he fiddled,
“You may try to kill us
But we’ll never die;
We won’t be your demons
As you tell your Big Lie.”

This ticked off bad Haman,
He said, “That’s enough!
I told you, ‘Heel nicely’
But you’re playing rough.”
So he up and decided,
“This thing I’ll outsource
To varied Jew haters
And baiters. Of course,

We’ll sow rumors of how
You boss over the Bourse
Of every free market.
Will I have remorse?
I’ll have no remorse
Over planting the seed
Of such terrible, horrible
Anti-Yid screed.”

So he sent out
Everyone anti-Semitic,
Those whose hate was polite
And those far more acidic.
From the Pharoah of Egypt
To the folks of Hamas,
And effete literati
Who bash Jews with such class.

Then Haman surprised them,
He said, “Here’s a twist!
I’ve a secret new weapon
That’s not to be missed;
A stealth bomb that casts
Quite a magical spell.
Claim that you don’t hate Jews,
You just hate Israel.”

But the Jew-ville Yid
To his dust speck friends
Then said, “Fellow Heebs,
Let’s buck this trend.
For what he does to us
He will do to all;
Good people, it’s time
To stop being his thrall.”

They killed Haman with facts
Just by telling the truth
Of the Jews’ legacy
Since the days of their youth.
And perhaps it’s uncouth,
But the truth, let it be
Told, is the Jews have advanced humanity.

Like the wicked and melting
Witch of the Wester
Haman he hung, and will hang,
When each Esther,
-That’s any good person-
Gentile or Jew,
Fights to protect
Everyone as a Who.

Yet on Adar 14,
As we party at Purim,
We sure kill off Haman
But we still endure him.
No matter how much
We fend off his attacks,
Like that B-movie cyborg
He calls, “I’ll be back.”

If you’re ready to fight him
Just say now, “I do!”
And with all Jews of Jew-ville,
With all Whos of Who-ville,
With those who love justice,
What’s good and what’s true,
I’m happy to shout from
My dust speck, “Me too!”

About the Author
Dan Ornstein is rabbi at Congregation Ohav Shalom and a writer living in Albany, NY. He is the author of Cain v. Abel: A Jewish Courtroom Drama (The Jewish Publication Society, 2020. Check out his website at
Related Topics
Related Posts