How to (not) ruin children

To answer my father, who used to say: “All small children are fantastic. From where do all these terrible people come?” – Nathan van Zuiden

You must start early in their lives.

Ruin Them

Hurt them. This is essential. Physical, emotional, sexual abuse all ‘help.’
Punish and disappoint them, even without telling them why.
Lie to them. Be unpredictable. Blame them. Ignore them. Pretend.
You ‘must’ tell them and show them that they are nobodies, worthless.
And then, you ‘teach’ them they could become someone.
They could ‘become someone’ by making others feel terrible—the bully.
They could sacrifice themselves for a ‘greater’ good—the suicide bomber.
They could sacrifice themselves for ‘greater’ persons—the overly obedient.
You repeat the mistreatment and misinformation incessantly.

Spoil Them

Never say no. Don’t set limits. Don’t give challenges. Act entitled yourself.
They will grow up feeling empty and unloved, despite the big presents.
They may amass wealth, power, and status to feel important, but it’ll fail.
They too may become suicide bombers or bullies for the ‘greater’ good.

Normalize Them

Rabbi Steinsaltz said: “Listen to the average small child. They’re geniuses. Listen to them a couple of years later and they’re not anymore. You can blame us, the schools, the teachers, but then, I have another puzzle. Look at the average baby. Almost all babies are beautiful. Look later. It’s gone. You can’t blame us teachers for that. Why is that?” I think I can answer him. Just, don’t let them cry. Don’t listen to them. Let hurts accumulate.
Don’t let them cry. Don’t cry yourself. Don’t listen to them. Ignore them.
Expect them to be like you, do what you couldn’t, so be your continuation.
Claim the best and only way is your way. Never admit you’re not perfect.
Show iron expectations by punishing/condemning and rewarding/praising.

Nurture Them

Let them be kids, have fun. Smile and say ten times more yes than no.
Tell them they are great and show them that you like them.
Say no to stop doing harm, not because you don’t want to be bothered.
Listen to their feelings. Let them cry in your arms. Don’t ‘make it good.’
Welcome rage, guard them against harming, but take your rage elsewhere.
Teach by example, not by preaching. Don’t expect what you can’t model.
Give them hope, confidence, and trust. Don’t ask them to save you.
Be giving. Don’t use them. Tell them: to give is more fulfilling than to get.
Say no as a gift. Guide them for their profit only, to get the best life.
See and support their unique characters, qualities, challenges.
Make sure you still grow emotionally. Take a therapist if no one listens.
Listen to how you are for them. Learn to say sorry, I was wrong.
Teach them to negotiate, also with you, instead of being obedient.
Celebrate and mourn with them. Have empathy.
Teach long-term satisfaction: whole foods over pizza and cola.
Respect them and they will respect you. Listen and they will listen.
Keep striving to improve your character traits to encourage them.
If you’re poor, tell them it’s not an embarrassment and won’t be forever.
When they’re older, continue all this, stay a parent. Become a friend too.
Be a humble link in the chain of the generations.

***

If you don’t have children or students to raise, look for other ways to enrich and strengthen the next generation with some of your uniqueness.

About the Author

MM is a prolific and creative writer and thinker, previously a daily blog contributor to the TOI. He often makes his readers laugh, mad, or assume he's nuts—close to perfect blogging. He's proud that his analytical short comments are removed both from left-wing and right-wing news sites. None of his content is generated by the new bore on the block, AI. * As a frontier thinker, he sees things many don't yet. He's half a prophet. Half. Let's not exaggerate. Or not at all because he doesn't claim G^d talks to him. He gives him good ideas—that's all. MM doesn't believe that people observe and think in a vacuum. He, therefore, wanted a broad bio that readers interested can track a bit what (lack of) backgrounds, experiences, and educations contribute to his visions. * This year, he will prioritize getting his unpublished books published rather than just blog posts. Next year, he hopes to focus on activism against human extinction. To find less-recent posts on a subject XXX among his over 2000 archived ones, go to the right-top corner of a Times of Israel page, click on the search icon and search "zuiden, XXX". One can find a second, wilder blog, to which one may subscribe too, here: https://mmvanzuiden.wordpress.com/ or by clicking on the globe icon next to his picture on top. * Like most of his readers, he believes in being friendly, respectful, and loyal. However, if you think those are his absolute top priorities, you might end up disappointed. His first loyalty is to the truth. He will try to stay within the limits of democratic and Jewish law, but he won't lie to support opinions or people when don't deserve that. (Yet, we all make honest mistakes, which is just fine and does not justify losing support.) He admits that he sometimes exaggerates to make a point, which could have him come across as nasty, while in actuality, he's quite a lovely person to interact with. He holds - how Dutch - that a strong opinion doesn't imply intolerance of other views. * Sometimes he's misunderstood because his wide and diverse field of vision seldomly fits any specialist's box. But that's exactly what some love about him. He has written a lot about Psychology (including Sexuality and Abuse), Medicine (including physical immortality), Science (including basic statistics), Politics (Israel, the US, and the Netherlands, Activism - more than leftwing or rightwing, he hopes to highlight reality), Oppression and Liberation (intersectionally, for young people, the elderly, non-Whites, women, workers, Jews, LGBTQIA+, foreigners and anyone else who's dehumanized or exploited), Integrity, Philosophy, Jews (Judaism, Zionism, Holocaust and Jewish Liberation), the Climate Crisis, Ecology and Veganism, Affairs from the news, or the Torah Portion of the Week, or new insights that suddenly befell him. * Chronologically, his most influential teachers are his parents, Nico (natan) van Zuiden and Betty (beisye) Nieweg, Wim Kan, Mozart, Harvey Jackins, Marshal Rosenberg, Reb Shlomo Carlebach, and, lehavdil bein chayim lechayim, Rabbi Dr. Natan Lopes Cardozo, Rav Zev Leff, and Rav Meir Lubin. This short list doesn't mean to disrespect others who taught him a lot or a little. One of his rabbis calls him Mr. Innovation [Ish haChidushim]. Yet, his originalities seem to root deeply in traditional Judaism, though they may grow in unexpected directions. In fact, he claims he's modernizing nothing. Rather, mainly basing himself on the basic Hebrew Torah text, he tries to rediscover classical Jewish thought almost lost in thousands of years of stifling Gentile domination and Jewish assimilation. (He pleads for a close reading of the Torah instead of going by rough assumptions of what it would probably mean and before fleeing to Commentaries.) This, in all aspects of life, but prominently in the areas of Free Will, Activism, Homosexuality for men, and Redemption. * He hopes that his words will inspire and inform, and disturb the comfortable and comfort the disturbed. He aims to bring a fresh perspective rather than harp on the obvious and familiar. When he can, he loves to write encyclopedic overviews. He doesn't expect his readers to agree. Rather, original minds should be disputed. In short, his main political positions are among others: anti-Trumpism, for Zionism, Intersectionality, non-violence, anti those who abuse democratic liberties, anti the fake ME peace process, for original-Orthodoxy, pro-Science, pro-Free Will, anti-blaming-the-victim, and for down-to-earth, classical optimism, and happiness. Read his blog on how he attempts to bridge any tensions between those ideas or fields. * He is a fetal survivor of the pharmaceutical industry (https://diethylstilbestrol.co.uk/studies/des-and-psychological-health/), born in 1953 to his parents who were Dutch-Jewish Holocaust survivors who met in the largest concentration camp in the Netherlands, Westerbork. He grew up a humble listener. It took him decades to become a speaker too, and decades more to admit to being a genius. But his humility was his to keep. And so was his honesty. Bullies and con artists almost instantaneously envy and hate him. He hopes to bring new things and not just preach to the choir. * He holds a BA in medicine (University of Amsterdam) – is half a doctor. He practices Re-evaluation Co-counseling since 1977, is not an official teacher anymore, and became a friendly, powerful therapist. He became a social activist, became religious, made Aliyah, and raised three wonderful kids. Previously, for decades, he was known to the Jerusalem Post readers as a frequent letter writer. For a couple of years, he was active in hasbara to the Dutch-speaking public. He wrote an unpublished tome about Jewish Free Will. He's a strict vegan since 2008. He's an Orthodox Jew but not a rabbi. * His writing has been made possible by an allowance for second-generation Holocaust survivors from the Netherlands. It has been his dream since he was 38 to try to make a difference by teaching through writing. He had three times 9-out-of-10 for Dutch at his high school finals but is spending his days communicating in English and Hebrew - how ironic. G-d must have a fine sense of humor. In case you wonder - yes, he is a bit dyslectic. If you're a native English speaker and wonder why you should read from people whose English is only their second language, consider the advantage of having an original peek outside of your cultural bubble. * To send any personal reaction to him, scroll to the top of the blog post and click Contact Me. * His newest books you may find here: https://www.amazon.com/s?i=stripbooks&rh=p_27%3AMoshe-Mordechai%2FMaurits+van+Zuiden&s=relevancerank&text=Moshe-Mordechai%2FMaurits+van+Zuiden&ref=dp_byline_sr_book_1