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I don’t like Jews because…

...because, well, you know...global warming...

I don’t like Jews because…

Jews are very annoying – they really are. They are the cause of all the world’s problems. It’s true, you know. I read it in all the newspapers and I see it in the protests across the world… Al Jazeera told me it’s true. So did the Guardian and the BBC. I mean… surely most of the world’s people can’t be wrong?

If Jews would stop being so stubborn, there’d be peace in the world once again. In fact – the world would be an incredible place filled with peace and harmony and gentle music. But now instead, it is faced with much darkness and it’s all because of the Jews.

I don’t like Jews because they don’t listen to their friends like America and Britain and Europe and the Arab League who know what’s best for them. The Jews are just sooo stubborn and refuse to listen even though their friends would guarantee their security just as they have done for countless other peoples around the world. If anyone dares attacks the Jews, the world will definitely step in and help them – I’m convinced.

It bothers me that the Jews won’t listen to the UN and the Human Rights Organisations. I mean come on – they are an organisation for human rights! Since the UN was formed, they have ensured that no genocides or massacres or human rights violations have taken place. And most importantly they haven’t been biased at all – like I said, they’re the UN and represent all countries fairly in the world. They are tough on everyone!

I also don’t like the Jews because they are just so aggressive. They attacked the Palestinians in Gaza for no reason at all. They were merely watching television, tending their flocks and celebrating Guy Fawkes day when the Jews just attacked them! Don’t they understand that Hamas cares about its people and have built so many schools, kindergartens and hospitals for them? Don’t these stubborn Jews understand that under the Palestinian Authority government, which includes Hamas, their rights will be guaranteed? You know,  before Israel came along,  the last couple of thousand years had been great for the Jews!

I also don’t like the Jews because they planned the 9/11 attacks. The Arab media said so and they are a bastion of truth and freedom.  We can rely on their reports.

And of course they are responsible for global warming… and um… global cooling. And they are also all communists who control Russia and the world… and well… they are also all capitalists who control America…and the world… so…um…either way… they are at fault. If Israel didn’t exist, the Boka Haram folk wouldn’t have been forced to kidnap those girls in Nigeria. And Syria wouldn’t have had to fight a bloody civil war. And the Concorde wouldn’t have blown up. And there wouldn’t have been that terrible earthquake in China. And the 2004 Boxing Day tsunami wouldn’t have happened.  And what about the traffic on the roads – it just takes…forever!  Not to mention the Ozone hole…

I don’t like the Jews because Israel has been conquering and taking over other countries for years and they really should give up on their fanciful quest for world domination. Any map of the Middle East will tell you that their country already takes up most it.  And come on already! Enough about Jerusalem – it was never Jewish and there was never a Jewish temple – Yasser Arafat even said so to Bill Clinton – and Yasser Arafat won the Nobel Peace Prize.  That wall in Jerusalem is just part of an ancient biblical tennis court practicing area.

And jeez…I just can’t believe they are going on and on like a broken record about tunnels in Gaza! I mean clearly they are for an irrigation system and the weapons they found inside them…puh-lease – everyone knows that attacks on irrigation systems are at an all-time high. And those tranquilizers and handcuffs also discovered are to restrain wild animals who mistakenly fall into the hidden trap doors.   Sure, those tunnels might inadvertently drift into Israel, but that’s only because Hamas want to help the Israeli farmers too, just as they tendered the greenhouses Israel left behind when they left Gaza.

They just don’t get it – these Jews. ISIS and Al-Qaeda and Boka Haram and Fatah and Hamas are only after human rights and Arab dignity. If Israel would just stop attacks on all the Muslims in the world and stop taking over the media in America and Europe and stop pretending that Jews were in Israel for more than just a few years and stop relying on their outdated Bible, because all the artifacts discovered and excavations uncovered in Israel are just propaganda – the world would like them again.

Jews should stop getting so worked up by those signs we see in all the peace protests that say ‘Kill the Jews’. It’s just a bit of harmless banter. It’s a protest for peace, for heaven’s sake! And the attacks on the synagogues in Paris, again – exaggeration! It’s just boys having some fun – no harm there. Boys will be boys, after all.

I don’t like the Jews, because they just don’t understand that the world actually does like them, it’s just their… you know… ways… they don’t like. If they would just lay down their weapons and allow the warmth and generosity of fundamentalist Islam to take over, peace would break out again and everyone would like the Jews.

Just as they have in the past, the world will protect them in the future. That’s an iron clad guarantee, so let’s all join hands and hope these silly Jews will finally just get it and give up their invented country, so that the world can return to a more peaceful time.

About the Author
Justin Amler is a South African born, Melbourne based writer who has lived in South Africa, New Zealand and Australia.