‘I’m Mad That I Don’t Even Know If He’s Still Alive’
“What are you mad about?”
“I’m mad that it’s been almost 16 months, and he’s still not home.”
“Thank you. What else are you mad about?”
“I’m mad that the world isn’t doing more. That governments hold endless meetings while he’s sitting in a dark hole somewhere, terrified.”
“Thank you. What else are you mad about?”
“I’m mad at myself for not doing more. For living my life while he’s suffering. I feel guilty every time I laugh, every time I eat a good meal, every time I sleep in my own bed.”
“Thank you. If you were mad about anything else, what might that be?”
“I’m mad that I don’t even know if he’s still alive.”
He exhales sharply, hands gripping his knees, and stares at the floor. The words hang in the air, thick with pain. For almost 16 months, he’s held these feelings inside, afraid to say them out loud, afraid of how real they might sound. Today, for the first time, he is letting them out—one by one, without interruption, without being told to “stay strong” or “keep hoping.”
This is the PAIRS Emptying the Emotional Jug exercise, a structured way to release overwhelming emotions by speaking them aloud to a trusted listener who simply responds with, “Thank you.” It’s not about fixing the problem—it’s about making space for emotions that have been bottled up for too long.

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A Mental Health Crisis Unlike Any Before
Israel is facing the worst mental health crisis in its history. Since the October 7th attacks and the ongoing war, hundreds of thousands of Israelis are experiencing unrelenting fear, grief, and trauma. Health Minister Uriel Buso called it “the largest mental health event the state has known since its establishment,” warning that the demand for psychological support is overwhelming.
For those with loved ones still held hostage in Gaza, the pain is unimaginable. They wake up each day to a nightmare with no end in sight, checking the news, waiting for updates, trapped in a limbo between hope and despair.
When the mind is filled with this much pain, traditional advice—“talk to someone,” “think positive,” “stay strong”—often falls flat. What people really need is to be heard.
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Listening as Healing
Helping someone who is experiencing overwhelming, painful emotions is almost entirely about listening. The Emptying the Emotional Jug exercise has been taught to veterans, trauma survivors, and active-duty military personnel to help them process post-traumatic stress. It follows a simple structure:
- The listener asks the speaker about their emotions, one at a time—MAD, SAD, SCARED, and GLAD.
- Each time the speaker confides, the listener simply says, “Thank you.”
- When the speaker has nothing else to say, the listener gently asks if there’s anything else.
The process continues until the speaker has fully expressed their feelings, moving from anger and sadness to fear and, ultimately, gratitude.
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A Conversation That Brings Relief
“What are you sad about?”
“I’m sad that I don’t get to see him anymore. That the person I used to talk to every day is just… gone.”
“Thank you. What else are you sad about?”
“I’m sad that his family has to live this nightmare. His mom looks like she’s aged 20 years since this started. His dad barely speaks anymore.”
“Thank you. What else are you sad about?”
“I’m sad that I don’t remember the last words I said to him. That I can’t even picture his face clearly anymore because it’s been so long.”
He wipes his eyes. He hasn’t said these things out loud before. Not to his family, not to his friends, not even to himself.
“What are you scared about?”
“I’m scared that I’ll wake up one day to the worst news.”
“Thank you. What else are you scared about?”
“I’m scared that if he does come back, he won’t be the same. That he’ll be broken in ways we can’t fix.”
“Thank you. If you were scared about anything else, what might that be?”
“I’m scared that I’ll never be able to let go of this pain.”
For months, this pain has been locked inside him, growing heavier with each passing day. But in this moment, something is shifting. He is not alone in carrying it anymore.
* * *
Why This Matters Now
The war has left an entire nation in distress, and mental health professionals are warning that the impact will last for generations. At the Enosh Mental Health 2024 Conference in Tel Aviv, experts stressed the urgent need for emotional resilience tools that can help Israelis cope. When professional therapy is unavailable or out of reach, practical exercises like Emptying the Emotional Jug give people a way to process emotions in real time.
By guiding people through their emotions—not ignoring them, not suppressing them, but truly acknowledging them—this exercise provides a lifeline for those drowning in grief and fear.
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Ending on Hope
“What are you glad about?”
“I’m glad that people are still fighting for him, that he hasn’t been forgotten.”
“Thank you. What else are you glad about?”
“I’m glad that I had him in my life for as long as I did. That I have memories of better times.”
“Thank you. What else are you glad about?”
“I’m glad that I have people who understand what I’m going through, who let me talk about him without telling me to move on.”
“Thank you. If you were glad about anything else, what might that be?”
“I’m glad that somewhere, deep down, I still have hope.”
He takes a deep breath. The pain isn’t gone. It will never truly leave. But for the first time in months, he feels lighter. He feels heard. He feels like he can keep going.
This is the power of listening. This is the power of being heard.