I’m running for President!

My fellow Israelis,

Six years ago, one of Israel’s most distinguished and respected leaders took the oath of office of the President of Israel. At the time, the Israeli Presidency had been tarnished by the acts of former President Moshe Katzav (Wait for Boo). In hindsight, most would agree that only Shimon Peres could have overseen the task of rehabilitating and revitalizing the Presidency. Now, as the pre-historic Peres Presidency comes to an end, we can only imagine what lies next for this great man. Perhaps he shall seek the Premiership of the Bait Ve Gan retirement home in Ramat Aviv, or maybe he will become President of the Del Boca Vista housing complex. Whatever lies ahead, I am sure all Israelis join me in wishing President Peres and his Vietnamese caretaker, Danda, all the best (Pause for Applause).

When one President leaves office, another must take his place. Some say that Israel’s next President should be a woman (Pause for laughter). Others advocate for a veteran politician while there are those who believe that the time has come for a Philippine President, one similar to the X factor winner Rose Fostanes.

But I have a different vision for the Presidency (Look up at the sky and pause). I believe that what we need is a non-Partisan President. Why? Because party politics is about highlighting that which divides us while the Presidency is about finding the things that unite us. Things like our compassion for refugees who find shelter abroad, jokes about Arab Israelis that are borderline racist and non-stop news coverage of military operations.

However, a non-Partisan President is not enough. Given the challenges we face what Israel requires is a young President, a member of the Y generation who will be able to integrate Israel into the league of hipster nations. A bold man who speaks the language of other young world leaders like (make peace sign with right hand) my number one homie and original gangsta’ put it up for Barack O!

I firmly believe I am that leader.

So, it is with great humility and a sense of calling that I announce my candidacy for the Presidency of Israel (Wait for loud applause).The Manor family is no stranger to public service. My brother, Oren, is a decorated IDF officer turned fire fighter turned single mother. My Mother was the first and only woman to serve as an IDF tank and my father has spent his life apologizing for Israel. Thus, it should come as no surprise that I too have found my calling in public life.

Some will ask why him? Why Ilan Manor? To these sceptics I answer why not me!? Granted, religious Jews will view me as a representative of Sodom and Gomorra. But isn’t Sodom and Gomorra just a part of Israel as Judea and Samaria. Yes, it is true that I have walked in the valley of loneliness and despair, but only to arrive at the mountaintop of hope. Yes I have swum in rivers of alcohol and liquid acid, but only to arrive on the shores of sobriety.

Sobriety and hope (put fist to chest)– those are the qualities of any true leader.

My fellow countrymen, countrywomen and countrygays,

The Israeli presidency is not about overseeing the Israeli government, it is not about representing Israel abroad and it’s not even about trashing Benjamin Netanyahu. It is about one thing and one thing only (raise index finger)– delivering eulogies, finding the words with which to part from this nation’s most beloved family members. Shimon Peres was great at this. I will be too.

Israelis, you can expect great things from the Manor presidency yet none greater than my new Tickle Down initiative which, like Bibi’s trickle down economics, will help all Israelis of all walks of life. Studies upon studies conducted in Israeli research institutes have shown us that tickling is the best cure for grief. Yet Israel consistently ranks lowest on the OECD tickle scale. As your President I will make it my life’s work to include tickling in all eulogies.

Imagine what we can achieve with a President that not only talks us to death, but that tickles us to death. Think of a new, happier, tomorrow.

God bless you all, God bless the State of Israel and may he continue to strike down our enemies with American made weapons of war

(Applause. Music: Don’t stop thinking about tomorrow. Balloons fall from ceiling)

About the Author
Ilan Manor is finishing his mass media studies at Tel Aviv University. He has previously contributed to the Jerusalem Post, +972 Magazine, the Jewish Daily Forward and On Second Thought magazine. His Hebrew-language blog has been featured several times in the Israeli press.
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