It is time for your spiritual ECG

After several bouts of dizziness and lightheadedness, I was booked for an ECG and given a Holter Monitor to wear for 72 hours. This was my first experience with an ultrasound of my heart, and I had all kinds of questions. I hope I wasn’t a nuisance that morning, but the technician was thankfully patient.

It occurred to me that I was measuring my heart’s functionality during the month of Elul, a time when we assess our behavior and spiritual integrity. As we approach Rosh Hashanah, the day of judgment, we take our own measure. We assess ourselves during the past year and determine what to correct and how to improve. G-d, for His part, helps us “cleanse our hearts” (Deuteronomy 30:6). This way, when Rosh Hashanah arrives, G-d prescribes us a good, sweet year.

As the ECG began and the technician answered my questions, I realized it was a lesson on how to take a spiritual accounting of my behavior this past year.

On My Left
The technician instructed me to lie on my left, which necessitated reaching around me to apply the probe to my chest. I asked why I was on my left; would it not be easier if I were on my back? The answer was that the heart is situated behind the lungs. Laying on one’s left drops the heart a little, creating a small gap with a direct line of sight through which the probe measures the heart.

Indeed, it requires the technician to extend the arm in a manner that can become uncomfortable and even painful, but in the technician’s words, “That’s the job.”

The lesson immediately struck me. When we assess our behavior, we are often obstructed by our ego. The ego stands in the way and blinds us to the truth. It finds an excuse for every misbehavior and a justification for every misjudgment. Rather than confronting our weaknesses, we cover them up.

The only way to get an honest sense of ourselves is to bypass the ego. We must create even a slight pocket of authenticity in which we stop lying to ourselves. This can indeed be uncomfortable; confronting our truth honestly can be painful, but as the technician said, “That’s the job.”

Press Down
Once I realized that this technician was friendly and willing to answer my questions, I began to ask everything that came to mind. The technician told me I might feel some pain when the probe pressed into my flesh, so I wondered why it was necessary to press so hard. The answer was not long in coming. In some people, the tissue is more compact, which can obstruct the sound waves and distort the image. In such cases, pressing firmly to get past the tissue is necessary.

I realized that even after we create a pocket of authenticity, we can still be obstructed. Sometimes, we stubbornly refuse to acknowledge the truth even when it stares us in the face. This creates a dense barrier that must be overcome. Taking an honest accounting can be painful. We can devise all kinds of excuses, but we must bypass them and press ourselves to be objective. It is easier to take the more comfortable route and distort the image. But if we don’t get a good image, we distort the diagnoses and ruin the treatment plan. If we don’t know what we are up against, we can’t heal.

Forty-Five Minutes
I noticed that the test went on for forty-five minutes. It was rather easy for me; I was lying back and resting in a darkened room. The technician worked hard, measuring and testing, probing and checking, dotting every I, and crossing every T.

That is when I realized that taking an honest accounting of our internal state requires persistence and patience. We can’t take a quick look and move on. If we do that, we won’t get the whole picture and won’t know where and how to improve. To get an accurate sense of where we are, we must probe and prod with dogged determination. Even if it feels like we have been at it too long, we must keep at it until we have the complete picture.

Darkness
I noticed that every ultrasound I have ever had was performed in semi-darkness, and I asked why, though I had a pretty good idea. The answer was that the images come through in black and white, and viewing them in the dark provides a sharper contrast.

It made me realize that taking an accounting requires laser focus. We must avoid all disturbances; harsh light, excessive noise, and distracting thoughts must all be avoided. We must create a comfortable space to firmly fix our minds and direct our thoughts resolutely while ignoring everything else.

The Heart
The technician explained that we were measuring the heart’s size, strength, and functionality. I realized that this is precisely what we test for during this time of year. We measure our love for G-d, our commitment to His rules, and how well we follow through in thought, speech, and action.

Take charity, for example. How much do I care about people in need? How strongly do I want to help? Most importantly, how much do I actually help? What do I do to ease their burdens?

Make A Note
When the ultrasound was over, I was outfitted with a monitor to carry on my person for three days. This monitor has a special button I was meant to press whenever I felt dizzy. I was also given a log to precisely note where I was and what I was doing when I pressed the button. This way, the doctor can scan my heart’s activity during the dizzy spells and use my log to determine the cause.

It dawned on me that this is the best way to take an accounting. One of my greatest challenges every year is to remember precisely where I was and what I did every day of the year. How can I honestly account for my behavior if I can’t even remember what I had for breakfast last Tuesday, let alone when I lost my temper last October?

The obvious solution is to keep a list of what we do during the day. If I kept a journal all year long in which I recorded the good and not-so-good behaviors of my day, it would be much easier to assess my spiritual state at the end of the year. Without it, I am diagnosing my state and prescribing a treatment plan in the dark.

The doctor can only make sense of my heart if I keep meticulous notes. I can only keep track of my soul by keeping meticulous notes.

A Good Diagnosis
Thank G-d, the doctor only prescribed this test and monitoring out of an abundance of caution. When I remove the monitor, I am confident the doctor will tell me my heart is strong.

I hope that the same is true of my spiritual accounting. I sincerely hope that in the end, I will look back on the year that passed and conclude that it was a good year. While there is always room for improvement, I am in robust health. And just as the doctor will, G-d willing, pronounce me healthy, so will G-d prescribe us all a year of goodness, health, happiness, safety, stability, and success.

Amen