JERUSALEM TOUR: Hotels By the Old City & King David Street

We are now in the inner circle of English Speaking Jerusalem People with Money. This will include Baka and Rechavia. But for now, let us move into the hotels. The only area you should know of.

This is the most important area for you to know as a tourist. These are here so that you do not have to make your bed. As the Bedouin tents we stayed in, none of the locals come to this area. You do not have to worry, you will not have to interact with any Israelis that you do not have to tip.
When you wake up, in most North wings of the hotel, you make your way south, to the elevator, to the first floor. You then turn left out of the elevator and you can see the Buffet. Finding your way around the buffet can be quite difficult. That is why I am here.
Do not miss your breakfast buffet, you only have five hours. You will notice fruit salad and cake, all cut by Israelis. You will also notice cereal and cheeses, all from Israel. Kellogg’s is an Israeli brand. This buffet is quite historic, as you will notice the Caesar Salad. The Caesar ate breakfast too. That is history. Maybe social studies.
I only take $400 a day to show you around these areas of the breakfast. As I do when showing you around the ancient falafel stands of Jerusalem, which you are also required to pay for.
We have just wasted half the day. We will not be able to go on the trip today. We will just walk around the neighborhood.

You will notice soap, shampoo and televisions in your room. You still may have not covered the full cost of your hotel stay with the breakfast spread. As many of you filled up in the second hour of seating, you might want to take what you can. I have noticed the televisions are not bolted in.
We are spending $700 a night on this experience. We should not have traveled during the holiday season. This is a very expensive youth hostel we are staying in.
We are now going to see the most historic Jerusalem hotel of this century. This is not to compare with the ancient bed and breakfast that Batsheva hoste across the way from David’s castle.

The King David Hotel- No, he did not live here. I do not believe he lived at the David Citadel or in King David’s Village either. It does get confusing. The King David Hotel is also known as the فندق الملك داود in Arabic, as they change the names to everything.
The hotel was founded in the early 1930s by Ezra Messeri, a wealthy Jewish banker from Egypt, to dispel the myth that there are no wealthy Jews in Egypt, who are bankers. Today, the hotel is owned by the Dan hotels chain, which means that you can get Yarmulkes with ‘Dan’ written on it. If your name is Dan, you will never need anybody making you a kippah, or a girlfriend. Around the corner, is another Dan hotel, but we will remain at the King David till they kick us out, as it is described in the Exodus book.
Made to have a view of the Old City, you can see how other buildings that were built later also thought that was a nice view to have. From the lounge, you can now see the King David swimming pool.
Many presidents and royalty stay here. They are the reason the city gets shut down once or twice a year. Traffic is barricaded so that somebody of importance to another country, who would like to own Jerusalem, can see the Israel Museum. And so that the Jerusalem residents cannot go to work and see their clients, while spending the day complaining and fighting with cops, and arguing with the police about where they live.
As elegant as it is, do not use the bathrooms in the King David Hotel, as there have been issues with toilets in the past.
The King David theme is connected to the area. Part of King David Street, the King David Hotel is in a densely populated hotel area. Looping around to Agron you can also see the new Waldorf Astoria,which looks nothing like the Waldorf Astoria.
You will notice somebody tipping the guy who opened up the door. It is not customary to say ‘thank you,’ as gratitude may only be shown through money. Tips are expected, as the staff is not getting paid enough by the $1,200 a night hotel low-season rates, and thus they need charity. These low level beggars also help out with room service.

Across the road here, you can see the YMCA. In Jerusalem, this hotel and center of sports and activity is known as the IMCA, because IMCA does not sound Christian.
Greatly frequented by Jews, the YMCA is a beacon for decent gym membership prices.
Built in the 1930s, and finished after seven years of construction and political building freezes, Dr. Harte finally saw his vision come to fruition. Dedicated to the words, ‘Here is a spot whose atmosphere is peace, where political and religious jealousies can be forgotten and international unity be fostered and developed,’ it was thusly named the Young Men’s Christian Association. Keeping with the concept of peace and forgotten religious strife, right near its front doors have been countless terror attacks.
The rest of the hotels have breakfast too.

I am trying to focus on the important information here. Such as the Bible stuff.
Look: we missed Kind David’s Village, the Citadel Hotel, the Eldan Hotel which is a motel, other buildings, Beit Shmuel, HUC, the King Solomon Hotel, which King Solomon did not stay at, because the rooms were too small, Conservative Yeshiva, a good 300 Orthodox Yeshivas, other places of study, which bring in no business to Jerusalem, a parking lot, more construction, a big ball with water running over it, a sundial, the new hotel, the old hotel which went out of business and had the same inside as the Waldorf, the hostel that says hotel on it.
If there are any more complaints about the tour not covering that guy selling silver, across the road, I will charge an extra $400. And you will still have to pay for my dinner.

About the Author
David Kilimnick: Jerusalem's Comedian performs at his Off The Wall Comedy Basement- Jerusalem's first comedy club, every Thursday in English and every Wednesday in Hebrew, in downtown Jerusalem. David may also be contacted to perform for tour groups in Israel & Synagogue fundraisers around the world, and for your private parties. Contact: 972(50)875-5688 David Kilimnick, dubbed Israel's father of Anglo comedy by the Jerusalem Post, is leading the new pack of English-speaking stand-up comics in Israel . At his Off the Wall Comedy Basement club in Jerusalem (the first of its kind), Kilimnick has been offering up penetrating observations of life in his turbulent adopted country. Tourists and native Israelis alike have been flocking to his cozy, intimate club and raving about his unique ability to transform the daily chaos and aggravation of Israeli life into an evening full of laughter. Kilimnick's material covers the rocky transition from his "New York Cocoon" to his new life as an "Oleh Chadash" or Israeli newcomer. Still single, Kilimnick touches on his religious upbringing, his rabbinic insights, the injustices of Jewish grammar school and Jewish summer camp, and the looks he gets from his Jewish mother because he isn't married yet. Meanwhile, Kilimnick's universal humor takes you on a tour of funny through the Holy Land. Incorporating routines from his shows 'The Aliyah Monologues Classic 1 & 2','Find Me A Wife,' 'Frum From Birth: Religious Manifesto', his music show 'Avtala Band' & more, David Kilimnick justifies his Aliyah (move to Israel), while taking you through the reality of life as a single immigrant, Israel experiences, holidays & family left behind. You are sure to walk away entertained, enlightened, or with David. David has recently appeared on "Bip" Israel's comedy network, צחוק מעבודב and has been hailed by the tough Israeli media as a rising star who possesses Seinfeldian charm when he takes to the stage.
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