Jewish History: UN Version

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Buoyed by the enthusiastic response to its lurid and highly imaginative report on the “systematic use of sexual, reproductive and other gender based violence” by the Settler Hoodlum Occupation Forces (IDF) in the war treacherously launched by Israel on October 8, 2023, the United Nations Human Rights Council (UNHRC) has rushed its long-anticipated “History of the (Awful, Hateful) Jews” to press.

The Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences has already awarded the coveted Oscar for Best Documentary to any film that in the future may be based on the book.  PEN International, the worldwide association to promote friendship and intellectual cooperation among all anti-Zionist and anti-Semitic writers everywhere, has similarly pre-awarded the book its highest accolade, the Goebbels Award, with the literary homage: “unreadable and poorly sourced, but really puts it to those Jews.”

It is a groundbreaking text, which, like the UNHRC paper, combines fantasy and vitriol to produce an amalgam of slanderous, unsupported calumny, and is sure to become a classic, a staple in UN schools and everywhere that teachers’ unions control the curriculum.        

The following review of the UN “History of the (Awful, Hateful) Jews” could not  begin to plumb the depths of Jewish depravity, colonialism, racism, communism, capitalism, corruption, deviousness, white supremacy, sexism, Islamophobia, and transphobic turpitude described in the book (because, really, who better than a UN agency devoted to human rights to manufacture this level of creative character assassination?), but if it helps fuel even one riot at Columbia by downtrodden 31-year old preppy unemployed activist graduate students, it will be a worthwhile effort.

Keep in mind that this summary just scratches the surface. The UN spends millions of dollars and thousands of hours manufacturing its anti-semitic, anti-Zionist propaganda.  Hard to compete in a few hundred words.

The book begins with a retelling of well-known origin stories from the Bible.  First the Jews cause a great flood, aimed primarily at Palestinian shepherds who will, in the future, seek to inhabit the land of Canaan in peace and harmony, and then greedy Jewish real estate magnates build a Tower of Babel, probably on the West Side of Manhattan, from which they have displaced the original Palestinian shepherds and olive tree farmers of Central Park.  Among the children of Terach, Abraham alone claims that God promised the Palestinians’ land to him.  The Jews then expel the peace-loving Ishmael from the family because he is half-Egyptian and proceed to misbehave, deceiving and selling brothers, destroying cities after claiming sexual abuse, and generally making nuisances of themselves.  They then proceed to Egypt and destroy it with ten plagues, for no reason whatsoever,  stealing lots of property on their way out.

Having left Egypt, they colonize and occupy Arab and Muslim lands for many centuries, while the Arab people and Muslim religion patiently wait to be invented and commence. In 586 BC, a millennium and a bit before Mohammed, the Jews are exiled to Babylon, whence they travel to Persia.  There the wonderful story of Esther is written.  The UN version starts at Chapter 9, in which the Jews, unprovoked, commit many bloody massacres, as might be expected.  They are, after all, the UN explains, Jews, and any Persian, or Iranian, animus is thus eternally justified. They return to Palestine, where they kill Jesus (who, miraculously, turns out to have been . . . Palestinian) and are once again exiled from Palestinian lands, this time by the Romans.

Shortly (a thousand years and a few centuries or so) thereafter, the Jews start the Spanish Inquisition and then, in a truly remarkable display of effrontery, try to blame the Catholic Church, which has never exhibited anything but Christian charity and love to the Jewish people, often suspending the torture for extended periods, so the Jews could catch their breath.  The UN correctly points out, with some pride, that no Palestinians were involved in the Inquisition, though the Muslims did later conquer much of Spain, which makes it part of the unredeemed Umma; stay tuned.

From Spain, the Jews go to Poland and Ukraine, where they irritate the local population with their industry and thrift, thus inciting the populace to massacres and rapes, which, as the UN explains, do not occur in a vacuum, and must be placed in context. In Russia, they are restricted to a Pale of Settlement, where they live for years in comfort with UN assistance and constant Red Cross visits. (Just kidding.)  Then Stalin kills most of them, a fact that the UN says did not occur in a vacuum and must be placed in context.  The UN book does a remarkable job of humanizing Stalin, who, with Hitler, Haj Amin al-Husseini, Yasser Arafat, Gamal Nasser, Yahya Sinwar, and the beeper-bearing Hezbollahniks, emerge as the true heroes of the Jewish narrative (as imagined by the UN).

After the Jews provoke, start and lose World War I, they then invent Nazism, which is German for Judaism (or, according to the UN Durban version, Zionism), thus ushering in World War II.  The Jews, who prefer to live alone, build concentration camps for themselves, freely abandoning their property in Europe, especially France, to their neighbors, who promise to watch it for them while the Jews vacation in such garden spots as Majdanek.  Because of the Jews’ faulty construction methods and some unfortunate weather, many Jews die.  No one seems to mind.

Even though, as they admit, the Jews were integrally involved in the genocidal activities of World War II, it regrettably ends with the final solution unfinalized, and a misguided world, under the misimpression that it is correcting a historic injustice and returning the Jews to their ancestral home, stands by while the Jews re-establish a Jewish nation, Israel, the single Jewish State in the entire world, on land they agree to share with their Arab neighbors, some of whom have . . . colonized . . . the land.

Talk about grubby, greedy, grasping, avaricious, rapacious . . . Jews.  A whole state.  On their own land.  Who could even imagine such nerve?  The Arabs demur and go to war.  Again.  And again.  And again.  Never in a vacuum and always in context.

Of course, the UN is there throughout, encouraging the Arabs to engage in the serial wars, supplying resources and support, undermining any possibility of peace by maintaining the Palestinians in refugee camps, while an equal number of Jewish refugees from Arab lands is absorbed into Israeli society.  That, as the book discloses, is the wonderful thing about Jewish history.  No one actually cares if the Jews do not receive equal treatment.  They are, after all, Jews.  The UN gets this.

It is worth noting, as the UN does, that all of these wars were caused by the Jews in Israel, who irresponsibly and viciously respond to attacks, conquering Sinai (and returning it), seizing the West Bank from Jordan (which was holding it for the Palestinians) and Gaza from Egypt (which was holding it for the Palestinians).  The Jewish treachery culminates, and the book ends, with the genocidal, unprovoked war that Israel began on October 8, 2023, in which, based on an unverified allegation (the standard of evidence used throughout the UNHRC report) between .01 million and 16.7 million Arab children under the age of nine have been killed and mutilated.

There will be those naysayers who question the bona fides of the UN and doubt its ability to be even-handed in its analysis.  The truly stomach-churning 47-page cavalcade of unverified horrors in the UNHRC Report might even cause some to believe that the UN has an anti-Israel agenda that transcends every single one of its other purposes and activities.  To those people, all I can say is–the Jews survived the Egyptians;  they survived the Babylonians, Greeks, and Romans; they survived the Inquisition, Chmelnitzki, Stalin, and Hitler.  May the UN share their fate, soon, speedily and in our time.  And may they choke on their lies.