Hillel the Elder: If I am not for Hamas, who will be? And if I am for Hamas alone, what am I?
Shammai: You are either an apologist for terror, a member of the American Studies Association, or a delusional Millennial – Pirkei Avot 1:14
This is the bread of occupation eaten by all Palestinians, POC, and indigenous peoples. Whoever is hungry, let him come and eat. Whoever is Jewish, check your privilege and go back to Poland.
They made us suffer. As it is stated: “They placed taskmasters over us to oppress us with hard labor. And they built Sabra Hummus and Soda Stream as supply centers for AIPAC.”
This year they are Zionist Islamophobic taskmasters, next year they will be free, albeit in the River and the Sea.
Arranging the Seder Plate
The Seder Plate remembers the oppression, expropriation, and genocide imposed by the stiff-necked Hebrew supremacists on the Palestinians today and on their indigenous ancestors, the Egyptians, the first victims of Zionist invasion and colonization.
We leave the plate empty in solidarity with Palestine and the Egyptians of Color who have vanished into history, drowning at sea because the Zionists control the weather.
The Missing Charoset – Represents the bricks and mortar used to build the West Bank Settlements through unfree Arab labor. No charoset until the settlements are dismantled.
The Missing Beitzah – Represents the harvesting of Palestinian organs by the IDF. No beitzah until every Palestinian kidney is accounted for, cataloged, and peer reviewed by Jasbir Puar and Haymarket Books.
The Missing Orange – it is told that progressive Zionists [sic] include an orange to symbolize the welcoming of gay and lesbian Jews. We reject it because it constitutes fruitwashing. No orange until Israel starts to treat its LGBT community as the Palestinians treat theirs.
Lighting of the Molotov Cocktails
At this point, the women of the household light the ceremonial Molotov cocktails and recite the following blessing:
Blessed art thou, our Lord and Savior, Dr. Judith Butler, who has sanctified Hamas and Hezbollah as progressive freedom fighters, even if they occasionally throw the gays from the roof.†
†If Pesach falls on Erev Shabbos you are commanded to throw the Molotov cocktails – but not the gays – over the Apartheid Fence.
The Four Children
Blessed be Muhammed, Blessed be He! Blessed be the progenitor of the PFLP.
It is told that Muhammed’s four wives asked to hear of the Exodus. We are proud to give these fierce women a voice at the Seder because Palestine is a feminist issue. One wife is wise, one is wicked, one is simple, and one does not know how to ask because she is nine years old.
The 10 Plagues
These are the 10 plagues that Students for Justice in Palestine unleashed upon the Greedy Zionists who stole our land, control the media, and train American police to profile People of Color.
- Molotov Cocktails
- Burning Tires
- Linda Sarsour
- Burning Tires
- Burning Tires
- Burning Tires
- Slaying of the firstborn Sabras (who are actually settler colonialists)
Kaddish for the Dead
At this point in the Seder we recite Kaddish for the indigenous Egyptians who drowned at sea while trying to secure their borders from white supremacist Zionists who stole their land through JNF settler colonialism.†
†As per JVP’s platform we only recite Kaddish for indigenous middle easterners.
Karpas – Rejecting the Leafy Vegetable
We do not eat the Karpas before us, because it is a Zionist crop planted and imposed by the JNF to erase Palestine through land theft, cultural appropriation, and veggiewashing. We are working with our Occupied brothers and sisters to restore the most bountiful indigenous Palestinian crop: the stone, which has been thrown at Zionists to the point of near extinction.
The Open Hillel Sandwich
The traditional Hillel sandwich, with its contents ensnared as it is between two emasculating pieces of matzoh, is a symbol of the intolerance of the Jewish Establishment™. We therefore offer the Open Hillel sandwich, with its contents fully exposed, to promote pluralism and open discourse even if it means BDS and the liquidation of Israel.
If Hamas would have only burned the tires and not the Jews – Dayenu
If Ilhan Omar and IfNotNow would have accused the Jewish Establishment™ of dual loyalty but not of greed – Dayenu
If the Muslim Brotherhood would have given us an indigenous sewage system but not Arafat – Dayenu
If the trees would have cried out “O Moslems, there is a Jew behind me, come and kill him,” but the rocks would have remained silent – Dayenu
If Israel Apartheid Week would only last for 5 days and not 7 – Dayenu
If the PLO would have given us stones to throw during the First Intifada, but not the Second Intifada – Dayenu
Hiding of the Afikomen
At this point the head of the household breaks the middle Matzoh and hides it in Palestine, somewhere “between the River and the Sea”
Eliyahu The Shahid
At this point in the Seder the head of the household clears away some rubble because Eliyahu The Shahid will be tunneling in from Gaza.
Conclusion of the Seder
לשנה הבאה בְּלִי ירושלים
*This is a work of satire. Any resemblance of its contents to the platform of IfNotNow or other progressive [sic] Jewish [sic] organizations is purely coincidental – albeit incredibly disturbing, but coincidental, nonetheless.