Jewish wisdom on reigniting love in a relationship

“We fell out of love. The spark is gone.”

I’ve heard this from several people who were ending a relationship. It begs the question: Why doesn’t love last and is it possible to reignite the spark?

I’ve heard the common suggestions such as: remember what first attracted you to each other, do activities together that you both enjoy and have date nights.

Is there Jewish wisdom on why love doesn’t last and how to keep feelings of love alive?

In his book Strive for Truth, Rabbi Eliyahu Eliezer Dessler wrote that love doesn’t last because people tend to be takers, not givers. To keep feelings of love alive, he advised couples to “Strive to keep the desire to give to each other fresh and strong.”

Rabbi Dessler explained that when two people are attracted to each other, they become givers and lovers. He wrote that one might think that loving leads to giving because we see people give to someone they love, but he said it’s the other way around. Giving to another person leads the giver to have feelings of love for the person they’re giving to.

Why doesn’t love last? Rabbi Dessler wrote that gradually the initial strong feelings between two people subsides. They return to being takers and start making demands on each other. He wrote, “When demands begin, love departs.”

Why does giving to another person increase the giver’s feelings of love? Rabbi Dessler explained that people love who they have nurtured. They see a part of themselves in who they give to.

He also wrote that we tend to love the people we give to more than the people we receive from. Parents feel this when they give to their children. The more they do for their children, the more they love them. Yet sometimes children who receive a lot from their parents seem to resent them.

Strive to keep giving

Men tell me they remember how they felt when they first fell in love with their partner. It was exciting to feel they had found someone who was right for them. They looked for ways to give to their partners, bought them gifts and thought about how they could make life easier for them.

I encourage them to follow Rabbi Dessler’s advice and make a conscious effort to give to the other person. Though at times it may be hard, they should keep pushing themselves to give.

Giving your partner opportunities to give to you

Some of the people I coach thought that when they gave and gave to the other person, they were showing their partner that they wanted a relationship where both people give to each other. But the other person didn’t respond by giving to them.

They didn’t realize that instead of teaching their partner to give, they may have been teaching them to take. A person learns to give by doing the action of giving. To help their partner’s feelings of love grow for them, they should also give their partner opportunities to give – and they should express appreciation when they do it.

Being a giver vs being a pleaser

Sometimes a man will tell me how he gave and always tried to please his partner, but it didn’t reignite the spark in their relationship.

It didn’t reignite the spark because although he was giving, he also didn’t ever take charge, make decisions or set boundaries on how he was treated. She saw him as weak and lacking self-respect and found it hard to respect a pleaser who gives but doesn’t respect themselves.

To reignite the spark, he needs to be a giver who is strong and shows he has self-respect.

Keep giving

And reignite the spark in your relationship.