What can I say about marriage?
Or more accurately what can I say about marriage that hasn’t already been said?
I sit here on the cusp of having been married for precisely a year, I think back on the time we’ve spent together and I can’t help but reflect on the ups and downs, the sheer range of emotions that come from two people trying their hardest to subjugate their own wants and needs for the other.
I won’t pretend the year has been all ice cream and wonders because it hasn’t. We have been through hard times together, we have felt the pressure. But in feeling that pressure I came to understand the strength of our love for one another. Because love isn’t about how many times you hug each other and it’s not about how many times you make love, or tell each other you love each other, it’s about the fact that I can’t be happy if she’s sad. It’s about the fact that if she has a problem I can’t rest until it is solved. It’s about the fact that our lives, our feelings, our hopes and our dreams have become inextricably intertwined over the course of our first year of marriage.
And I love it. And I’ll tell you something else. I used to worry about myself all the time. Now when I worry, I worry about her, whether she is okay, whether she is happy, whether she is too hot or too cold, whether she is comfortable. Because I can’t be comfortable unless she is, I can’t be happy if she’s sad, I can’t be calm if she’s upset.
And at the same time I now know something else about her that will never fail to amaze me. She feels exactly the same way about me. I had never experienced that before I was with her, the warmth, the beauty of basking in the knowledge that every part of what I feel for her is shining right back at me in those beautiful eyes of hers.
I was petrified before my marriage, exactly one year ago. I was petrified by the scale of the commitment I was making. To the extent that I lay there on that hotel bed on the morning of my wedding wondering whether I would be able to go through with it. That word “forever” buzzing and bouncing around my head like a fly unable to escape through a closed glass window.
Now I understand I wasn’t petrified about getting married, I was petrified I wouldn’t be a good husband. Today, I’m still petrified. A year in and I have learned that my biggest fear is that I might let down my wife. But along with the fear lies the excitement of the years we have together. We have been through so much together in just this one year. We have shared ups and downs, fights and make ups, good times and bad…so much has happened in one year that the amount that can happen over the course of the rest of our lives boggles the mind.
I can’t wait to find out what lies in store for us in our future together. Because I know that my future is hers and hers is mine. We have spent 12 months together, learning each other, understanding the meaning of the word intimacy, learning what makes the other mad in a second and how to make the other melt with just one smile.
It’s been a year of discovery, we’ve learned about each other and what it means to create a shared life together and I have relished every moment of it.
Now through the fog of all these emotions I stop thinking about the years that lie before us and I concentrate on a time a mere two months ahead. A time when it will no longer be just me and my girl, but it will be me and my girl…and another addition to our small family. And though I can’t wait for the two of us to become the three, a part of me will always look back on this special time when it was just me and her and a lifetime to look forward to.
It is with these words that I wish to say happy first anniversary my love. I can’t wait to celebrate many, many more with you in my arms.