Land for goldfish

Famous experts like Thomas Friedman and Tom Segev agree: The failure of Palestinians to murder enough Israelis is killing the peace process. To back up this claim a recent survey demonstrated that 83% of Israelis believe pulling back to the 1948 lines will neither end the conflict nor bring peace with the Palestinians. If only more Israelis would die in Palestinian terror attacks surely this will change.

I don’t know about you and your opinion about experts but it seems to me their opinions are overrated. The ‘land for peace’ formula is dead. Well not exactly dead. The idea that giving up land will lead to peace has died so many times now, it has officially entered its zombie phase. It may be dead and rotten alright, yet it keeps on crawling out of its grave. You know what? When it calls out for brains let’s feed it an expert!

The situation may seem slightly disconcerting but there is still hope for all you peace lovers out there. According to Wikipedia “the goldfish (Carassius auratus auratus) is a freshwater fish in the family of Cyprinidae in the order of Cypriniformes“. This is good news because chances are that if the Jewish state will pull back to the pre-1967 lines it may not get peace, but indications are that the Palestinians are willing to grant the people of Israel a goldfish instead. The UN has already formed a commission headed by former President Carter to work out the details of the plan, who is reported to be very enthusiastic.

Israeli’s? Not so much.

Sure, a goldfish is not exactly the same as an end of conflict agreement. But one must be realistic here. Israelis should understand they cannot demand too much from the Palestinians. Ending the conflict will mean Palestinians will lose all hope for victory. This is why from their point of view it is always better to continue the fight. Though they are perfectly willing to discuss Israel’s terms of surrender through negotiations mistakenly called a ‘peace process’. What we call peace is for them an historic defeat. There is no way Palestinians, or Arabs in general, will agree to such a deal in their current state of mind.

But a goldfish is a much less problematic proposition. Here we can finally talk about something Palestinians can actually deliver. Plus you only need to feed it once a day, and fish are known to be perfectly happy in dark places such as bunkers. Pretty handy when Palestinians start shelling Israeli towns! And anyway, what is peace compared to a trusty companion inside a glass bowl?

Things would be a lot easier if only Israelis were willing to accept ‘land in exchange for relentless war’. Or ‘land in return for waves of missile attacks’. Then we could have a deal in no time. But Israel’s insistence on peace ruins all chances for an agreement. Forget about settlements. Peace is the true obstacle to peace.

So stop whining and accept the darn fish already. It’s not feasible to expect to trade land for peace. Sure it’s a nice idea, but so is eating a ton of chocolate without gaining weight. If you expect it to happen you are an idiot. Instead, learn to accept that the opposite is true: The more chocolate you eat, the more weight you will gain. Similarly, the more land Israel gives up, the less peace it will get.

But land can get the Jewish state an awesome goldfish. So, cheer up!


About the Author
Born in Switzerland in 1973. Raised in Holland. My parents were Holocaust survivors.