Leave the fireworks for July 4th and keep them out of relationships

If I had a dollar for every time I heard a young person talk to me about the complexities of navigating the dating process or tell me that they aren’t ready to commit to a relationship because they are waiting for “that feeling,” I would have been able to retire years ago. While it’s true these conversations comprise a large part of my private practice, the fact of the matter is, that a growing number of young people who are in the throes (yes, that’s right, I used the word throes) of dating, are waiting for a feeling that simply won’t materialize. More accurately, they are waiting for a feeling of “euphoric sparks,” ecstasy, enchantment or fireworks that will most likely NOT come. This generally leads to what I believe are the four most negatively impactful outcomes of this way of thinking about relationships.

Prior to addressing these negative outcomes, let’s understand for a moment where this idea of ecstatic emotional expectations in relationships comes from and why it is thrown around erroneously the way it has been. Dr. John M. Gottman in his bestselling book “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” aptly explains that “Hollywood has distorted our notions of romance and what makes passion sizzle.”[i] As a culture we have been programed by social media in part and Hollywood on a larger scale, to ingest and digest fast food relationships on the big screen. What I mean by that is we are seeing a storyline of multiple different elements and cinematic sensitivities that increase interest, attention, and popularity all wrapped up into an hour and forty-five-minute feature film. These romcoms (romantic comedies) tug at our heart strings, make us fall in love with the characters and ultimately draw us into the vicissitudes of emotions throughout the story line. This usually ends with a twist of fate or turn of events that climaxes with two people embracing in the rain, snow, apocalypse (you choose the setting). Sometimes there are actually even fireworks in the background!!

The problem is that we don’t experience the ostensible months, weeks, days, hours and minutes of the ups and downs, the push and pull or the doubts; sometimes subtle and sometimes pretty overt. We have been trained and conditioned to see relationships through the lens of Hollywood because it feels good, and everyone wants a movie ending story. To be clear, relationships without compatibility will not thrive, neither will relationships without passion or attraction. However, what I am addressing here is the misnomer that so many people fall prey to. Namely, the fact that relationships need to have this magical element to them in order for one to know that it is the right relationship to invest in. With this line of thinking, people will end up waiting indefinitely, and many do.

Take for example my clients, Jon and Amy. Jon is a young professional and, like so many of my single clients, he is struggling with conflicting priorities. On the one hand he wants to make a go of his current relationship. On the other hand, he works crazy long hours. His ability to advance in his relationship with Amy directly correlates to his ability to invest emotionally in the relationship. Amy cries to me that she has nothing left in the tank, and if Jon can’t figure out a way to give her what she needs she will not be able to continue with him. When I engage in this difficult conversation with Jon, he shares with me that he is waiting for that feeling to come over him, and when he has it, he will know for sure that this is the right relationship to invest in. There are lots of ways that we might understand this behavior. Some may suggest that there are overt anxieties at play and thus he is struggling with commitment and hoping that buying time will solve his issue. While many who struggle with commitment think time is the answer, I assure you it isn’t. In any event, this is not what’s going on here, although at times anxiety does rear it heads. As we continue to delve into things it becomes more and more clear that Jon’s expectations of what he is meant to feel are not only unrealistic but self-defeating. He assumes that love looks like the 9 PM Magic Kingdom fireworks in Disney World. Unfortunately and fortunately, that’s not the way relationships work.

Relationships require time and investment, both emotional and other. Faith based love therapist J. Brennan Mullaney argues that there are four facets to love: theological, metaphysical, psychological and physical. There are a series of deposits and withdrawals which help to grow love.[ii] But it’s hard work and to assume that it naturally starts sparking like a Roman Candle leaves partners feeling lonely and unable to access emotional withdrawals or make those essential emotional deposits.

Making matters more complicated are those individuals that romanticize their courting and talk about it through a screen of rose-colored glasses. They fail to mention the anxieties and insecurities, nor do they mention the sleepless nights and the crying (it’s true not everyone experiences this, but many do and that’s totally normal!). When sharing their experiences, it will often be done in a way that neglects to evoke the difficult moments and only focuses on the wonderment of marriage and love. This is disingenuous and harmful. Young people lap up these personal reflections and create subconscious connections to these comments, the information and images they have assimilated after seeing scenes on social media and in the movies remain in the recesses of their minds. That’s the way memories work and this reality exacerbates young singles’ confusion with love, unrealistic expectations and what it’s supposed to look and feel like.

In short, love is complicated and embodies lots of different elements, some good and some quite difficult, all of which make up this wonderful experience that many are blessed to enjoy. Love is comprised of a deep sense of mutual understanding, mutual respect and connection in which one can be him or herself without judgment. It includes empathy, compassion, support and encouragement. These ingredients translate into genuine concern for the other person’s wellbeing and allow one’s partner to feel supported, encouraged and safe. There needs to be a strong sense of trust which brings about confidence in the stability of the relationship. Of course, no relationship can exist without sacrifice and commitment. This is to say that a prioritization of another person’s needs and wants is often the order of the day and is not a simple feat. Passion and desire with a longing to be with and connect to one’s partner is an element that continuously breathes new life into one’s relationship. But here’s the thing, these ingredients are by no means an entire list, rather they are just a few slices that create the whole pie we call love. Each person will struggle with some of these elements and that’s normal too. In fact, I would be worried if there was no struggle. Dr. John M. Gottman writes that, when he runs workshops with married couples, they are all relieved to know that “…everybody messes up during marital conflict. What matters is whether their repairs succeed.”[iii] I humbly suggest that this holds true for conflict during the dating stage as well. Implicit in this is the fact that conflict is part of relationships and to assume that it isn’t is disingenuous and misleading. Conflict means that work is required to fix something and conflict throughout a relationship means that at moments there is magic and at moments it’s hard emotional work.

The bottom line is, to think that the sign of a relationship ready to move to the next level is all peaches and cream, is fantasy. This is true during courtship, engagement and even marriage. Hard work and struggle make relationships resilient and powerful assuming both parties are interested in working for it. However, fireworks typically have no place in the conversation and certainly should not be used as a barometer of viability.

I have identified the four main and most negatively impactful, outcomes when young people who are dating focus on the unlikely chance of seeing fireworks or feel a sense of euphoria in the relationship, which they believe serves as their internal personal indicator as to the viability of the relationship.

1. Missed Opportunities: This occurs when people wait for an idealized and romanticized connection with a significant other. It can cause one to overlook meaningful relationships with compatible partners who may not initially evoke those strong, immediate feelings. The likely outcome in this situation is that one will end up feeling lonely and isolated. This in turn may impact his or her mental and emotional well-being.
2. Unrealistic Expectations: The belief in “fireworks” can set an unachievable standard, leading to chronic dissatisfaction with partners who are otherwise suitable and capable of providing a deep and lasting connection. The problem with unrealistic expectations is that they are literally unrealistic. One would expect for something that is unlikely to not be the actual catalyst that guides them throughout their relationship and yet it does. This creates friction, emotional distance and often times an inability to move the said relationship forward.
3. Inability to Build Intimacy: Deep, meaningful relationships often develop over time. Focusing solely on initial excitement and a sense of unlikely euphoria can prevent the gradual building of trust and intimacy that forms a strong bond creating emotional instability due to the constant searching and waiting for an intense emotional high. This in turn can create a cycle of brief, tumultuous relationships, which may be emotionally exhausting and destabilizing. The ostensible brevity of the relationships is an outgrowth of the tendency to move from person to person until they “have that feeling.” Since this is a dog chasing its tail scenario, the cycle continues indefinitely, and one of two things will happen. Either the individual will accept that the decision is a compilation of many different things and move forward based on objective standards and normative emotional expectations or it impacts the emotional and mental health of the individual because it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.
4. Accentuated Anxieties Dealing with Commitment: The expectation of “fireworks” may mask a deeper fear of commitment, making it difficult for the individual to settle down and invest in a relationship fully. This is to say that sometimes the fear of dealing with commitments is really an outgrowth of latent anxiety. Anxiety itself forces us to problem solve and ask questions. [iv] When there is no sense of clarity that triggers an increase in anxiety hormones and brings us back to trying to problem solve and ask questions. This happens until we go into panic. Often, in relationships panic is manifested as an immediate shutdown. Sometimes, people will feel the panic set in and will force themselves into an emotional shutdown of sorts in order to self-protect. Either way, once this sets in, it becomes very difficult to resuscitate the relationship and it oftentimes requires one to begrudgingly call time of death.

So, what can we do to mitigate these issues and help ensure that our next generation of daters navigate relationships in a healthy way? There isn’t one iron clad rule when it comes to dealing with this nuanced situation. However, I propose a radical change to the world of dating that can revolutionize the process, reduce anxiety and change the face of relationships going forward.

I truly believe that just like when going on an airplane, there are instruction videos prior to takeoff, the same thing needs to happen in dating. Rather than going into a relationship without understanding what to do when there is “turbulence” or a “water landing,” every person needs to begin their journey with solid information and normative expectations. No longer will young people feed off of stories of love at first sight or romanticized tales of a picture-perfect relationship. Rather, they will know to expect turbulence and that it’s perfectly safe. They will also learn that there are certain things to expect and certain things that simply aren’t realistic. This is done by destigmatizing couples going to legitimate dating and relationship coaches with proven track records of success. There is no shame in getting clarity on what healthy relationships look like. Most important is to understand that the things we see on social media and Hollywood feel good but are not good for you and are certainly not meant to translate into real life.

I often need to explain to people that the role of relationship coaches is not unlike that of math tutors. If one is not proficient in math and struggles with certain formulas or whatever it might be, someone is brought in who can assist in teaching those skills. Relationships function in very much the same way. There is a skill set that needs to be learned, ways to communicate and vulnerabilities to accept and give to others, not the least of which is knowing that you may never know. That deciding to move forward in a relationship is as much a leap of faith as it is a testament to true love. Not a love that is glitzy and all Hollywood-like, but one that is sometimes difficult, sometimes stressful and sometimes fraught with frustrations…but always beautiful if you can allow yourself to see it.

[i] Gottman, John M., & Silver, N. (2015). Principle 3: Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away. In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert (p. 88)., Harmony Books.

[ii] Mullaney, J. B. (2008). Authentic love: Theory and therapy (p.71). St Pauls/Alba House.

[iii] Gottman, John M., & Silver, N. (2015). What Does Make Marriage Work?. In The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert (p.27)., Harmony Books.

[iv] Brewer, J. (2021). Anxiety as a habit loop. In Unwinding Anxiety (p. 41)., Penguin Random House.