It’s been an awful summer for us Israelis. Really. First of all Germany won the World cup. And we all know how much we Israelis like Germans. They beat the Argentinians. Another country known for its fondness for harboring fugitive Nazis. And then there was the whole war in Gaza and the sudden rise of anti-Semitism in Europe. Protests. Boycotts. Violence. And then there’s the fact that Big Brother is still on. And my wife and my mother in law sit and scream at the television while I sit in bed and fantasize. About legalization. Well, that and two Swedish MILFs with a funnel and a bucket of eels. Yeah, don’t judge me. But I’ve reached the conclusion that if marijuana were legalized here in Israel, our little slice of heaven on the Mediterranean might just be a little bit less majnun.
So here goes. 10 reasons why legalization could make all of our lives better.
1. Nobody in their right mind would boycott marijuana coming out of Israel. Granted the BDS movement has had some success getting locally grown lettuce and carrots off the shelves in the UK, but nobody gives a shit where their weed comes from. So long as it gets you stoned. Like if my obnoxious weed connection/former boss were to say to me, hey man, I got this great Afghani hash. It’ll get you super stoned. But the guy who grew it in Kabul, yeah, he’s not a big fan of Jews. I’d be like shut up and give me that hash dude. I don’t give a shit if he hates Jews. Or humps his sheep. Or camel. It’s good shit and I’m gonna smoke it. So if I can (and will – please send me c/o the fat dude in Or Yehuda with the moobs) smoke weed grown by anti-Semites, there’s no reason anti-Semites can’t smoke weed grown by Jews. And that’s what I call a step towards world peace.
2. Jews are good at innovation. We’re the fucking start-up nation right? We could come up with technology to grow stronger, more potent and more environmentally friendly weed than any country in the world. It’s what makes me proud of being Israeli. So let’s poach some of our great minds away from military and security and get them working on some Mossad style weed that will get you so fucked up you’ll forget that it’s three hundred degrees out and you can’t stop sweating.
3. The Gaza-envelope communities could make a huge recovery by growing weed instead of carrots and watermelons. Granted, I love carrots and watermelons, but I’m not going all the way to some special event supporting those communities to buy carrots. Sorry. I’m lazy. But if they were to sell weed, shit man I’d hop on one foot while singing Hatikvah just to get some good, freshly grown (local) weed.
4. We’d help cancer patients around the world. Because we’re good like that. And people would see that. The good we do in the world. Instead of images of hospitals and schools being blown up in Gaza they’d see us helping improve quality of life. Easing the suffering. And who could hate us then? Well, they’d still hate us but for different reasons.
5. Tax revenue from marijuana would help every young couple in this country afford a house. Think it’s crazy? Look at the numbers coming out of Colorado, where marijuana legalization was ratified last year. They’re swimming in money. Well, skiing in it, but you get the picture. We wouldn’t need stupid ideas like 0% VAT (you suck Lapid. I voted for you and you appoint that awful lady MK Yael German as Health Minister? Never again. Next time I’m voting my conscience. Shas.)
6. This headline. For those of you who have trouble opening links (because you’re stoned and paranoid) it basically says that highway fatalities are at an historic low in Colorado since legalization. And after driving in this country my whole life I’ve arrived at the conclusion that it’s a fucking jungle out there on the roads. Nobody bothers to pay any attention to yield or stop signs. And people drive like aggressive assholes. And what’s worse, I have to listen to those stupid commercials on Galgalatz about driving safely. Once I get stoned I don’t leave the house. I sit on the couch. Bust out the ice cream or cookies. Turn on the AC and scratch my balls until I pass out. Definitely no driving.
7. Crime rates would go way down. They’re down 14.6% in Colorado since legalization. And I’m not saying that there won’t be any crime. Of course there would be crime. You stuff a bunch of eighteen year olds in a nightclub and give them Vodka and Red Bull, shit is going to hit the fan. But your average guy, say me, would not be breaking the law by going to score some weed. And I wouldn’t have to lie to my wife about it all the time. Like when she asks me what I need the money for. And I say “for your anniversary gift.” Or “for our trip to Acapulco.” I mean, come on. Give me a break. I’ve gotta get her a fucking awesome gift now and take her to Acapulco pretty much for free. Which means I’ll have to rob a bank. And that’s why legalization would lower crime rates.
8. Nobody would bother with those awful anti-depressants any more. And feign sadness, depression and PTSD in a fluorescent-lit Kupat Holim (Israeli public healthcare) psychiatrist’s office just to get some medical marijuana. And you wouldn’t have to sit there while she asks you stupid questions like: Have you ever been so manic that you bought a car using cash? Or went out all night drinking and gambling? Or had sex with multiple partners in one night? I wish! For Christ’s sake my life wouldn’t be so god damn depressing if that were the case.
9. Nobody would be tempted to do anything stupid. Like vote for Moshe Feiglin (I love your views on marijuana legalization MK Feiglin, but your political views make me want to curl up in a ball and cry) or worse. Join a gym. I was out of weed for twenty four hours and I already made a resolution to get healthy. And become a vegetarian. And join a gym. Thankfully I got my hands on some weed and got my shit together. (I’m voting for you MK Tamar Zandberg, and P.S., my wife has given me a hall pass to be with you. So call me boo.)
10. Israel has had a major brain drain with young kids leaving for Berlin looking for a better future. Legalize weed here and nobody’s leaving. Nobody. They’d stay here. And help our economy. Especially once you tell them that you can’t download movies in Germany. Which sucks. Because what’s the point of getting stoned if you can’t watch transformers 4 for free on your computer? OK, maybe not Transformers 4. Jules and Jim? Or whatever. Movies are no fun sober is what I’m saying.
(The best stoner movie of all time)
So there you have it. The ten reasons why we should legalize marijuana in Israel today. I mean it. I’m all out of weed and have to take my wife to Acapulco. Please, somebody legalize it already. Summer is almost over and that’s about the only thing that will cheer us up.