Married to Sheldon

Fresh off the heels from my divorce with Rachel Maddow (though strong feelings remain, swinging me left and right), and inspired by Lady Gaga’s recent and widely publicized marriage to the night, I have taken up as my new symbolic spouse none other than Sheldon Adelson.

He may not be perfect, who is?, there’s a slight difference in age,  and, well, I heard he might already be married, but you know…this is how it rolls.

Also, there shall be no honeymoon in Vegas, imagined or otherwise, because Vegas is a terrible place, like New Jersey with fake palm trees.

Sheldon Adelson is from Boston. I am not. So that’s another thing we don’t have in common.

Oh and that Taglit Birthright thing, another problem there: that money could definitely be spent on better and more important things than nurturing young Americans’ false sense of entitlement.

So some differences, yes, but Sheldon’s a sort of a self-styled Jewish Rupert Murdoch and that’s refreshing. Rupert Murdoch is a pretty awful person to work for; I’ve done it as have colleagues of mine. Even if I weren’t rushing to marry myself off to S.A., I could almost guarantee that working for him would amount to a better proposition.

Adelson — yes, you can call someone you love by his last name and do it romantically — Adelson is unequivocal about his aversion to false friends of Israel, and this is hugely attractive. In a normal political climate, I would say that is admirable. But in the present one, where the Democratic Party can’t seem to find Jerusalem on the map, this aversion is downright sexy.

I like a woman, or a man, who isn’t afraid to buy things. Materialism is so underrated. Materialism properly exercised leads to beautification and enlightenment of the highest order — just look at the Dutch.

The exuberance of Dutch materialism as expressed in this painting from 1722.

But Sheldon has already bought so much that wedding gifts are irrelevant. He bought Israel Hayom. Despite its snark, it seems to be the only paper out there telling the truth about the sharp late-summer turns in this crazy twisted affair between America and Israel.

Maybe he should buy Haaretz too no, it wouldn’t look right and besides, maybe I do want a wedding gift after all. One with a bit of flash and pizzazz. Oh come on Sheldon honey, buy me MSNBC, pretty please? I promise not to watch.